I want to watch a movie. My cousin is staying with me now and I thought we’d go for a film this evening.
Now, the thing is, I want to watch a regular movie…you know, the ones with a story, actors, actresses, a s-t-o-r-y. It needn’t be an ambitious story. It needn’t be about the world being taken over by monsters or mutants being tampered with or evil being sucked into the stratosphere. Boy meeting girl, girl misunderstanding boy, both getting together at the end – that’s good enough.
I’ve had it with the Wolverines, Transformers, and Terminator Salvations of the world. (What a name – terminator SALVATIONS!) I suffered through Wolverine. And in office, I suffer through all these conversations about other films where people go… "Did you see how…!”, “I know…it just flew out of…!”, “And the way his car just turned, man!"...and “ I KNOW!!”
Well, I don’t know. In Wolverine, it’s not enough that the fellow is a mutant. He has to have metal injected in him. And then he has to be naked. And then he has to jump in a waterfall. And then he has to be in love with some other freak of nature who can persuade with touch. And they have to be working for the US government! I mean…come on!
Now, it’s come to a point where it’s a comedown if a film has actors that simply, oh I don’t know, act. Conversation in pantry:
Me: I want to see ‘The Proposal’.
Colleague: Who’s there in it?
Me: Sandra Bullock
Colleague: What does she do?
Me: Uh…she’s some sort a rigid corporate boss or something and she might get deported to Canada, so she…
Colleague: Yeah, yeah…but is she like from outer space? What does she do?
Me (confused): No…I mean, she’s from Canada…
Colleague: Arrey…but doesn’t she…you know, fly or anything?
Me: FLY?! Why would she fly?!
Colleague: Oh...nobody flies?
Me: Why should ANYBODY fly?
Colleague: So they’re all…like…on earth? (mulls over the crippling improbability of such a plot) And then what happens?
Me: Well, I think she falls in love with someone in her office.
Colleague: Who does she fall in love with?
Me: I haven’t seen the film…but I think it’s some guy in her office.
Colleague: Who’s he?
Me: Ryan Reynolds
Colleague: No…I mean, who is he? Like he’s a mutant?
Me: Nope. He’s just another guy.
Colleague (very disappointed): Oh…I want to see Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.
Now, see, since when is being a regular human inadequate? It’s not enough to look good and emote? It’s tacky to belong to a normal blood group?
Well, I’d like to see someone who’s not a Ninja, a mutant, a wolverine (who, by the way, is a very stupid character), a half-blood, a satan off-spring, an off-spring of the Gods, a swirling mass of energy, a machine, a robot (who, apparently, is different from machines), a demon, a hero, a hero in the making, a devil in the shadows…
Just bring on the regular mammals, I say!