I am feeling very weird now. Everything just feels topsy-turvy. Nothing’s making sense anymore, and I don’t think things will ever settle into neat little rows and columns in my head. They are more like little isolated pieces of dots but they are so far apart that they can’t be connected anymore.
It’s only November now, but I have already started thinking in terms of resolutions. The other day I was asking my friends what their resolutions were, and they were generally faffing through something. Because no-one can seriously have a resolution of wearing a banana peel. What’s the resolution in that? Will a generation that does not understand/ endorse the concept of commitment understand the need to resolve? Yes…that is what is irritating me – the need to resolve. Why must we take stock? Why must we commit to making tomorrow better? Why is there an innate, as well as an overt need, to consecrate your efforts and decide.
Earlier I used to believe that decisions set you free. I dislike uncertainty. But now I wonder what is wrong with not doing anything, not deciding anything. It is so much less tiring to let life just dribble whichever way it wants to and not actually make one’s mind up regarding anything at all. I am feeling sick and sleepy and I just want to curl up now and sleep and wake up in 2050.
2009 promises to be a year of some hard decisions. And I am getting a taste of that now already. I hope there was some way in which I could slink out of a whole lot of situations and let someone else do the deciding…maybe someone nice who bakes raisin bread for a living. They seem to be hearty and wholesome. That’s what I need. Moments and experiences that are soft, fuzzy, warm and wholesome. Not brittle, bright, jagged and sharp. Yes, those times have been fun, but now I feel like I have had enough.
I am tired.