Lizzy

I have a lizard…in my house. (It sounds rather cute when you sing it to the tune ‘We have the whole world….in our hands.’)

This is how I found out.

I came home one night, inebriated with the joy of a job well done. I chirped merrily outside the door and entered my dark apartment. The willowy frayed white curtain was swaying like a little spectre – the bai had left the window open for…Phantom, I think. Reached and switched on the light and in a voice that sounded like Batman and Cher, went ‘Yeeowiao.’

I had seen the lizard.

It was on the wall behind the rocking chair. It ambled about in the dim light like a little reptilian Lara Croft. Zwap-zwap-zwap went her padded feet and then she looked up. Scaly but supremely confident.

I, despite the yelp, stood frozen there like a dork – neither like Cher nor Batman. But someone had to make the first move…and Liz did that. Now, a lizard is despicable enough but one that’s given to sudden movements makes you scream cold murder! Which is rather apt because a lizard is a cold blooded reptile..but more on that later.

I ran and shut the door. This proved to be a good idea because I could not see the lizard anymore; but it was a bad idea because I was out of the house…and that was a rather unlivable situation.

So I went back in. I could see Liz in the corner of a room looking at me askance. Her main object of attention was a fly that buzzed around cluelessly – there clearly is room for only one kind of creature in a Mumbai flat.

I kind of dived onto my bed because I didn’t want to walk the same floor that had been ‘zwapped’ on. Eeew! and all that!

Once there, I wondered who to call for solace and advice. Who, after all, could know how to get a lizard out of a house? My pal,
VK.

VK and I worked for a legal portal a couple of years back. She is a sweetheart and helpful, a true-blue friend, and a practicing lawyer. The last bit is important because this means she knows how to handle reptiles.

Tring Tring (or rather that infernal ‘Wo Lamhe’ ring tone)

VK (husky): Yes..

Me: Hi, this is Muk..

VK (not so husky now on identifying a female caller): Hey Muks! How are you?

Me: I came home to see this lizard in my flat ya! How do I get it out!

VK (is that panic I sense?): Where are you? I’m coming!

Me: I’m on the bed and the …

VK (shrieks): What the hell! Get out of the house!

Me (was there more to Liz than met the eye?): Why? It’s in the corner!

VK(somewhere around her glasses must be shattering): Goddamnit woman, it’s breaking and entering..that man is …what the hell..why are you..

Me( getting a cramp from suppressed guffaw): Idiot! It’s a lizard – a house lizard..

VK (slumps down on a mosaic floor): A WHAT! Oh, I thought you meant it as a metaphor or some such…

Me: V, I’ll find a man in my house, and you think I’ll call you up and talk in metaphors. Is there something you want to talk to me about, sweety? Is there a lot of stress?

VK(spent now): Oh shut up!

Me: So how do I get the lizard out? It’s dirty and creepy! I feel filthy just looking at its slimy skin.

VK(intelligently): Lizards don’t have slimy skins.

Me: Eww! But its yucky, V. It’s sick!

VK (soothing): Okay, okay – don’t lapse into a coma and all. Just go and open the door. That lizard will just get out.

Me: What if another one gets in?

VK: No it won’t idiot!

Me: Why not? An open door is open – things can get out, things can come in. What’s so improbable about that!

There were several moments of silence. Vk was perhaps thinking of a constitutional implication in my argument.

VK (with sudden vengeance): You know why that doesn’t happen Mukta?! Its because people are selfish! They have no heart! They just walk out. You leave a door open and they goddamn leave! Who the hell stays? Who the hell walks through an open door, Mukta? Who? Doors are just open so that they can walk out.

I looked at Lizzy in the corner. She seemed to be still and lifeless and a lot easier to handle than my pal.

So I hung up and called Ma.

Ma : What happened now? (This was my first call to her in the whole day.)

Me: There’s a lizard in the house.

Ma: Is it dead? Just throw it out.

Me: It’s not dead.

Ma: Then kill it and throw it out. (Don Corleone, anyone?)

Me: K..gnight.

Ma: Make sure you wash your hands later (Ma Baker, perhaps?)

Me: Okay..

And that is why I live with Lizzy.