Commitment required

 Today I woke up with a bad-ish mood. It seems as if I had a lot of pent-up feelings that I wanted to tell someone. But it came out on the cleaning lady unfortunately. Actually I had to tell her a few things too. But it's okay. Everything was under control.

I locked myself out of the house before going to the gym. So I had to go all the way to Goregaon to get the extra set of keys. But that is always fun. She is so sweet and the highway etc. was fun and bright and whizzing and buzzing. I am dangerously low on cash. But I really do want to live with an open, expansive heart. So - cash is low but there are quite a few other things today that made me feel really, really rich!

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Had a sun conversation with him.

2. I myself am well. Have been felling tired but no other complaints. Can stand up, sit up, walk about, etc. 

3. Finished reading 'The Gentleman from Peru' by Amdre Aciman. It's tender and sweet - a little mystical and all that. A gossamer-type summer story. I finished the last few pages enjoying a butter croissant and a black coffee at the cafe below my house. This type of outing just fills me up.

4. Saw a really nice video on YouTube on wolves. I have become so fascinated with them suddenly! The documentary maker or videographer (not clear who he is) decides to set up ten cameras to check the movement of wolves around a dead elk. The footage is beautiful. This is set in the Yellowstone Park during winter - so we are looking at majestic white landscapes and a mighty elk with beautiful horns - and the money shot of a pack of wolves moving and gliding stealthily in the territory. We see one wold carry away one of the cameras and return to the scene one final time. It's a lovely video.

5. I made a list of the next 11 books that I will read over the next few months. That is such a delicious exercise! To know that you have all of these books lined up and this ensures that you don't feel lost looking for ways to occupy yourself.  I am so, so grateful for getting back to the reading habit!

An act of resistance

 Some time to get a coffee, a croissant, and read the last few pages of a book.

Much in life at the moment would require me to believe that existence is hostile. Much is stacked against me. But... sometimes ease is the way you get back at thoughts like this. 

Huffing and puffing

 I started reaching out to people tentatively for work today. Looks like it will be a long wait. Or there will be some wait. Future is uncertain but that's okay. That is what I had imagined the rest of this year will be like. A friend and I made plans to catch up this Friday night. So that seems good. It is Halloween after all. It would be good to chat up and see what kinds of worlds we can conjure up that day. If she is feeling up to it, maybe we can go out post dinner for a coffee to Magnolia. 

At this point in my life, I think it is quite appropriate for me to get a shipload of money - because now I am wise and I know that it money is important but not everything. I know that people are important but not everything. I know that a lot of what we experience - in fact, all of what we experience, is so subjective that it is strange and absurd that we talk to each other about things as if it is real. I know that pain, though fleeting, can be strong. And smiles, though transient, can outlast time. I feel I am wise and can handle tremendous wealth now.

Managed to go to the gym today. I didn't feel like it but still managed. Had a good, chatty time.

What else? Lapsed in a couple of resolutions a bit. I hate it. But it's over.  

I didn't post it last night. Woke up late today.  Afternoon already. 

Anyway, we will get on with it now. 

I spy

 A friend lost her dog this morning. Another friend had a birthday. A third friend and I painted together. A fourth friend came over for a chat. I was sad, resentful, briefly happy, angry, and during meditation, looked upon the cold stone slab of aged hurt and ire, and was frustrated. 

But we'll get through it yet.

Diwali

 Today was an interesting day. I got a little upset by a couple of things that two people said and did. But my goal now is to use triggers as treasures. So I am trying to investigate into why that behaviour bothered me so much. I had arranged for a small dinner at my dad's house with a couple of his friends. Had invited my friend too. Everyone was late. My friend made an innocent enough remark about the arrangements being sub-par and one guest left suddenly.  A lot of this is my old pattern of being upset when someone criticizes or makes disparaging comments about my houses. Especially Bandra. But turns out even Vashi. Of course, now that I am trying to study the extent and depth of my bondages, I see that it's because of my identification with those spaces. Or seeking some validation of my housekeeping skills or something. I am somehow getting the sense that this feeling of inadequacy related to housekeeping, hosting, etc. is not my own. It is coming from elsewhere. 

And people''s reactions and behaviours are not a reflection of me. Because I don't exist. All this arose in consciousness and has dissolved in that. Must ponder on that.

Still, here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He looked so nice in his Blue kurta.

2. Our Vashi home looked joyful with the rangoli and diyas, etc.

3. The food was tasty. Luchi, mango chutney, chhole, potol stuffed with potatoes, brinjal fritters and paneer pakodas. And home made gulab jamuns - soft as clouds.

3. I thought I looked pretty good in a Manish Malhotra black jacket top that my mom and uncle had bought from Ensemble 25 years ago. 

4. Had money to go and return by auto.

5. Had money to give some baksheesh to my cleaning lady.

6. Had a great discussion with one of the guests who recommended a podcast called Fall of the Civilizations. I looked it up and it seems great. Looking forward to exploring it. It's also a book.

7. Got a recommendation for another Vedanta book called Tattvabodh through a video. 

8. Spoke to a friend and a few relatives. Was good.

9. Walked up Pali Hill during the afternoon. So happy!

10. Have water, electricity, plenty of food, and money to buy books.

11. White returning, the auto guy was going really fast. I asked him to slow down. He was so sweet and courteous about it. Slowed down and was really careful after that. 

Day goes by

 I have returned from Haridwar a few days ago. Bombay has folded me into its tight crowded hug as expected. I want to write about the trip and I reckon that a number of things happened on this trip that have been seeded in my consciousness that will emerge in time. But I do want to pen down a few things in the course of time. 

Anyway, there are a lot of different goals and competing intentions swirling around in my head. I have not been able to distill all that into a neat set of to-do lists. But I was thinking of giving a 100 days dedicated to each goal. I generally flake off quite easy. But a duration of 100 days where I really commit to a certain process (to the exclusion of all else) would be a good idea. Let's see how that goes within the ambit of how much involvement I would need to factor into Papa's daily regime, etc.

Here are all the things that I am grateful for today:

1. Papa is well. We didn't speak today but no urgent calls or anything. So things are peaceful.

2. Got my laptop repaired. And good thing I did that now. My Microsoft license was expiring so I got that renewed. An adaptor was not working. So got that as well. Overall there was expense. But the laptop repair was my gold for Dhanteras.

3. A meeting with my friend worked out. We went around Bandra looking at Diwali lights. Oh, I love Pali Hill so much! I want to just hug the whole place and slow dance with it. Then we went to Starbucks and had a couple of their new drinks. That was fun. My friend clicked a picture of me bringing in the drinks and I look so happy as if I were demented. Coffee places make me joyous! 

4. Got my period. It's pretty painless today.

5. Hira made a really tasty sandwich for breakfast. She stuffed slices of toasted buttered bread with last night's salted potato fry. Yummy!

So far

 

They bloom

 

Today was a tough and tight day. I am in pain somewhat. Heart is heavy and there's a knot in my stomach. But I am slowly beginning to see these emotions are stubborn, loyal echoes of a deeply embedded narrative. 

So need to breathe through it.

Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Had a nice time at the Patanjali Ayurvedic Centre. I had not expected it to be so big. It is. Had an impromptu consultation with an acupressurist who really miraculously made my shoulder pain disappear but pressing down hard in a couple of points.

3. Watched Kantara in the theatre. (Spoilers f The beginning was boring. But after the interval...my God! The precepts from the Shiv Puran, the symbolism - especially the depiction of Maya (so I believe), the emergence of Shivohum...that is fantastic. The second half actually has several scholarly sequence, if you ask me. There is a lot of stuff that has Hindi sub-titles that were too small to read.

4. Had a good coffee at a Sky Terrace cafe.

5. Saw a few flowers blooming.

6. Great riding weather.

7. There was pain today. Won't lie. But putting it down as something I am grateful for because it led me to understand a few things that I might have taken for granted.