All the king's horses and all the king's men...

 Moina steadied her feet as she tried to open the door to her apartment. It was difficult because she was drunk. It was also difficult because the door was open. And it was excruciatingly difficult because she was watching herself do that from across the corridor. 

Her lavender stilleto snapped at the heel, and it sparked a little. She stumbled inside and slammed the door -  her room was very neat. The books had been tidied up, the crooked paintings had been straightened, and the neon carpet looked vacuumed. She still looked stunned because that's not how she'd left it.

She walked to the center of the living room and stood there. It was scary but also peaceful. She guessed what she would see inside the bedroom when she opened the door - the paisley bedspread, a neon tealight, and a jewelry box decorated with Maowi symbols. She saw all that and also spotted her body. She lay on the right side by the window. She must have died sometime between moonrise and dawn the next day. Her eyes were closed and her face seemed peaceful. The dream of hers where she had splintered a kaleidoscope and burst into a million confetti pieces - that's the dream she seemed to be trapped in. Running from a life of one colorful piece onto another glint of life - always chasing to reach the spot where the kaleidoscope held the center of her whole life.

It'd be a tiring eternity, she thought. 

So Moina sat down on the floor and started to mend her shoe.

375, 376, 377, 378

Days have passed, and thoughts and feelings, heat and time, people and places, and ideas and irks have bled into each other. Friday we finished writing and creating a technical educational video, and it was really satisfying. I love working on technical videos. I like working on all videos, but the stretch that tech videos give me is lovely.

Today, a friend and I went to Chowpatty in town. Oh, it was glorious! We sat on the mats on the beach, had a bowl of gobhi manchurian (which is one of my absolute favorite kinds of Indian Chinese) and kulfi falooda. It was rich, cool malai kulfi with sabza seeds and a touch of rose syrup...so cool, creamy, treacly and gorgeous!

Then we went for a drive up Walkeshwar and Malabar Hill, and then we drove to Navy Nagar - quiet and dignified- it is so so lovely! Then we went for dinner to a Himalayan place called 'Across' in Kala Ghoda. Drove back to Dadar from where I headed home. I didn't realize how much I miss town. And today I was glad I could go and see it...before the world changes. With what happened in Pahalgam, you feel something in the pit of your stomach when you see little children and want to hug and protect all of them. And you feel something when you see the Tricolour. A safe sovereign is a precious, precious blessing.

 

373, 374

 I am feeling quite cornered. The water situation starts with the hiccups, I have to start with rectifying my personal computer, I have to figure out food because the new cook didn't turn up, I am not getting enough sleep. 

But still, there are a few good things in the world:

1. Papa is well.

2. I cooked something.

3. Had a kick-off call. It went well enough.

4. I managed to take my scripture test. Fared very badly but glad I could make it.

5. Have a home to live in.

371, 372

 It has been a nice couple of days. I have felt a burn in my system about some impending problems, and every cortisol check video I see on YouTube indicates that my cortisol is high, and I have been living with high cortisol for a long time. I suppose if I don't buy into the panic, then it is okay. It means that the body is alive and secreting hormones. 

Anyway, yesterday was a lovely finish to a day. A friend came over, we lit a candle, played music for me, chatted, and had tea - I got a really precious back rub and heard some stories. That was very soothing. It's amazing how much a backrub can calm you down. I wonder if that gym workout needs some revision. Maybe my form needs refining and I maybe need to spend some time in warm-up and cool-down. Where's the time for all that?

I have been really irritated with a couple of people but now that I know that my cortisol is high, I can peg it to that. Papa is well and it will still be a while before I speak to him again. Today is Easter and also my mummy's birthday. I will work on something interesting and maybe go for a nice breakfast or something somewhere.

Cook's off - so I made myself a spinach and cheese sandwich. 

I think I will get by.

368, 369, 370

 Truth be told, I am feeling weary right now. 

There have been lots of ups and downs.

I could not sleep properly last night and was up this morning and went for a walk. I was feeling full and did not work out yesterday either. Just lumbered around with heaviness. But Bandra is beautiful. It was surprisingly shaded all through, and even though the sun beat down, it felt good. Maybe I was just responding to that show of strength. May there be depth and joy and juice and happiness in life. At some point. Maybe in all this sunshine, there will be.

367

 A rough day and I am really nervous. I just sat down to do some work and my mind is in a million pieces. And a million places. But I intend to get through the night and finish off a freelance article.

Anyway here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Haranguing situation with water. I got through the day with some psychological impact, I am sure. But it hasn't killed me, so I am assuming it made me stronger.

3. I recommitted my resolve to living beyond the body. I can feel my body disintegrating but at the same time housing something precious. I feel that if that is at the center of things, then it's a good way to have a worthy priority.

4. Finished reading the book 'The Greatest Salesman in the world ' by OG Mandino. It is on sales and I will probably write about it later but am glad I did some reading.

5. Did a run to the neighborhood Starbucks with a friend after a very long time. 

366

 I had a nice day today. Morning was upsetting with the water situation. I lost my cool today with several people, including Papa. I was feeling so hopeless and helpless. But went away to Nerul to meet my friend. It was a lovely gorgeous evening. We went to a beautiful trail to the mangroves where we saw a gorgeous, perfect tree. The sun set and a big, bright full moon emerged between buildings on the opposite side. It looked like a panel in a vibrant comic book - where the scene is set for a beautiful, glamorous city where happy things happen. She made me dinner - lovely, lovely aam ras and puri and an excellent chilli and peanut pickle. I had a swell time. The cab ride back was peaceful and the driver was polite.

Overall, I felt the love of the world, the universe, of a broken, fractured time around me. Life isn't perfect but it's still damn good. 

And of course, Papa is well. 

365

 It was a very tough day and it doesn't look like the water situation will be resolved at any point soon. Could not focus on work a whole lot and this wasted day will come to bite me in the ass next week. But I managed a tiny bit of luxury for myself. Shampooed  my hair with BBlunt's grape colored shampoo and has a bath in candle light. Water shortage notwithstanding, some candle glow and a commitment to staying sane went a long way today.

1. Papa is well.

2. Some money from past freelance work came my way. Money feels good. 

3. Had chhole today.

4. Both help turned up. 

5. Was furious with a couple of people but held my tongue.

6. Completed 365 posts with gratitude. This adds up to a year of doing this. Leadership has increased. Something tells me that even if people don't relate to the specifics of my life and my struggles or rewards, they do relate to this pursuit of finding gems in a heap or ordinary toils and troubles and coming up with something every single day. 

364

 Woke up to no water in the taps. No news of when we would get water. Called up the building proprietor and he said that there is a water tanker strike in all of Bombay. Psychologically, I got a little unhinged but was really calm, given the circumstances. That is an interesting thing I want to write about someday. I had worked on a lovely and luscious project in Delhi - I was covering the water conservation seminar sponsored by an international organization. Intellectuals from all of South Asia presented their papers. I was particularly impressed with someone from Dhaka University. 

One lady from Delhi University presented the paper last - it was informal and a conversation. There were no slides, no formal standing at the podium, etc. Until then, there were some heavy-duty and scary statistics on water impurities, water shortage, the crippling and mass extinction of humanity (it is not even a prospect anymore - it is happening.) There was talk on policy, governance, eco-credit, collective conscience, etc. But this lady asked us to imagine - close our imagine - flowing water. Then she asked us to imagine that there was no flowing water. There was water - but it was always contained - in bottles, glasses, reservoirs, large containers, ships - even. There was water. But it did not flow. 

And I felt it - the quiet suffocation. 

Today I worked feeling really tight. The fact about the water was plaguing my mind. I had saved some water in a drum and all that. There were some bottles, etc. But I opened the tap and there was nothing. No one knew when the water would come and my brain just stopped working. Still I breathed through it knowing that as a specie, this is what we had done to Nature and this is what she would do to us. I also realized that no matter what, it is easy to get immersed in some love - for life, for nature, for 'Being'.

Water came for a bit in the evening. And I went to the gym. Then went for a walk. Then went to Mount Mary. Then came home and had a shower and the water dried up again. Still...love.

Anyway, here are all the things I am grateful for today:

1. Papa is well. 

2. There was water enough for a bath after a hot workout. Really, really grateful for that. Even if it ran out, I could still manage a bath. That is luxury.

3. Cook came and made soya bean cutlets - my favorite.

4. Made myself some coffee. That was lovely.

5. Managed things calmly today. 

363

 Time continues to stride on. Here are a few things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Found my small bottle of Adil Qadri attar. Excellent!

3. There was water and electricity.

4. Had a good call with people.

5. Had work today.

6. Got through today with some measure of calmness.

361, 362

 It was a good enough Monday. I am still tired now - head is heavy and I will sleep off for a few hours in a bit. It is 5:20 a.m. I had some sliced pineapples now. And now I am having chips. Some heavy-duty reset is required. In time. Maybe this weekend. Or September. 

Anyway, here are a few things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Cook and cleaning lady came today. 

3. There's a cute, comfortable house, reasonable safety, and as of now potable water.

4. Came across some really interesting HBR articles. Have filed them away to read them later.

5. Worked out.

A consciousness cubed

Nonya was in a fugue. It was past midnight, and the night hung thick and dark. There was a gentle snowfall outside and her blue-black rose with turquoise thorns lay on the pillow next to her. It was withering now, and she’d have to throw it a few days later. But for today, it stayed. It kept her company as Nonya wafted in and out of the suburbs of memories. Then, maybe at some point, when the last snowflake touched the ground, Nonya slept.

It was a strange, lucid, vivid, sparkly kind of somnambulism. She was aware of her being Nonya and asleep next to a blue-black rose with a snowy, frosty world outside her window. Her own existence shimmered around her. It felt as if the inside of her eyelids were dusted with the golden eyeshadow she loved so much. Everything in her inner world seemed sparkly. Then she sensed it – something big, quiet, and stunning in her room.

She opened her eyes and sat up. At first there was nothing. Just the faded wallpaper of roses and lilies, some silk shirts strewn on the iron board, half-opened bottles of perfumes…and then she saw it.

Lining the periphery of the room was the long glistening body of a thick, powerful, muscled python – with a trapeze pattern in ebony and cobalt blue on its hide. It glistened like canals that carried moonbeams.

Nonya was surprised but not scared. The snake lined the wall such that it was all around the bed – like some ancestral boundary. And it continued outside the bedroom too. So she got up and followed it. It was all along the wall of the corridor and the kitchen and the guest bedroom and the library and the living room. And around the picture of a glacier she had spotted ten years ago, she saw its head – large and beautiful. Wise and knowing. Silent and symphonic.

It looked at her and raised itself – so high that it touched the ceiling. Nonya knew that a blue-black rose with turquoise thorns was ready to bloom somewhere. Again.

360

 This feels endless - the water problem with rusty, reddish water running through the taps, the heat, the unending piece of work that I am trying so hard to focus and finish, the spotting of roaches, the cluttered cupboard, the dripping and chipping away of energy, the ache in the back, the heavy periods, the emotional drain - it.is.a.LOT. A LOT, A LOT, A LOT.

Still, one has lived through a day and I am so tempted to just rant and not make a list of the things I am grateful for. 

1. Papa is well. He came over today - not the best of days given the water situation but I was prepared to have him over. It's good to see him.

2. Today, I realized that my cleaning lady makes really tasty tawa toast with butter. I savored it.

3. Really enjoyed a large bag of the Lays West Indies sweet chili chips.

4. I finished writing the last bit of a project that was just not getting over. Huge relief. There's another bit that I need to finish tomorrow - another piece of work. But something is off my list and I'm grateful for it.

5. I heard a really nice talk on the role of worldly sensoriness based on the Gita. I want to write more about these things in detail. Maybe later.

6. Water is muddy but at least there is water. The way things have been happening in Bandra, I do sense that things will soon be eerily dystopian soon. But I feel in Bandra, we are being mutated to become some kind of a superior species - the truly superior species where the ego is broken and a real granite-like strength emerges like a sphinx from inside of us.

7. To manage the water situation, I used alum in the tap water. It did not automatically make the water potable but the change was remarkable. Apparently the best way to use it is in the form of a slurry and mix it in water. Then you need to filter it or decant it and boil it up. Still, it is a bit of a leap of faith to drink it. But it's okay. We got through one day. We'll get through others.

8. Managed to clock in a workout. Huge plus for discipline.

357, 358, 359

 I am exhausted and really irritated but I controlled my temper yesterday. Now I don't know what will happen today. 

It's my birthday today and I am just heaving with a kind of sadness. My heart feels full and my solar plexus feels wounded. I think I should plan to take a break and be in hiding for some time. I feel that I am carrying some old pain and it just surfaces over and over.

Anyway, I really have lost my will to continue this list but I'm already here so I will plod on:

1. Papa is well.

2. Had nice poha and creamy tofu.

3. Had safe cab rides even though the cabbies were driving fast both ways - to and from Vashi.

4. Have a home to stay in.

5. Wore my Zara skirt with a smart black top. Looked good. 

356

 Okay, so we are done with one more day. It was soothing in a few ways but a lot of work remains undone. Chest hurts a little bit. There's a lot of pain and anger but anyway, we plod on.

1. Papa is well.

2. Went to visit a friend's mum today. Today we watched another channel of a woman making something in a Bengali village. Apparently, village cooking is quite a genre on the telly.

3. Found a really pretty ivory cotton kaftan-type salwar suit I had bought during my first Ganpati when I moved to Bandra. Wore it.

4. Had an interesting dish today - dahi cooked with haldi and soya chunks.

5. Am safe.

6. Enjoyed a couple of discourses on Raktabeeja. The interpretation I heard was about how Raktabeej is actually the reactionary capacity of the ego. If the ego is hurt once, multiple stronger variations of the ego emerge. So the only way to destroy it is to submit this to Nature or Prakruti (who Ma Kali represents.) That was a nice, fresh perspective.