Couldn't go shopping today. Couldn't meet my friend or do my reading or my writing.
I had to revisit some writing today after ages. It is a daunting process for a writer like me who is pretty much a first draft or second draft writer. Then all these gentle edits etc.just feel like you are dressing a corpse. So I just opened a fresh page and started. And that was okay-ish.
And then I did one more and I am finally fatigued in a kind of energising way. But...I don't know. I feel bled out now. Happy with what I put out.
(That's what I had typed yesterday but couldn't post.)
Today was rough. It was rougher than what I signed up for and really, at this point I don't think I deserve to be treated this way. Anyway I think it was also a reminder of my early lesson when I started working as a freelancer. Don't take it personally. And I did.
I don't know... maybe things were building up for while. Maybe it was the text from a person who I had cut off all ties with and he messaged. Maybe it is the arrogance of a few people who feel that they are better than me so they get to pass comments on my work.
It got to the point where I was talking to this man who wanted to see samples of my writing. And he just assumed that I will be sending it to him right away. I told him that I will take time. Then he said, "Why? I thought you were a freelancer..." I burst a blood vessel and I asked him who did he think he was to review my writing? Could he take me through some of the documents that he has reviewed? Any dunce can give an opinion. Feedback is different. It's feedback when you have the spine to support the person you delivered feedback to, to see it through. He said sorry and hung up.
And then it was a downward spiral from there. There are a few things that irk me to dangerous levels...
one is disloyalty. You don't collaborate to abandon. You don't gossip about a teammate behind their back. Even if it kills you to do this, give them the benefit of doubt until the very end.
Two is inauthenticity. It's easier, I find, to be around the jerks who know they are jerks. And they tell you that they are and you still sign on for the ride. It's irritating. But I have always left with some affection for these persons.
And three...a huge, HUGE one is when I feel taken for granted. And this happened so much today for all the projects that I felt were close to my heart...that something just died inside of me.
When I returned from Bangalore, I had just decided to not work with Indian men anymore...or teams that were peopled by men with no female representation. Heterosexual Indian men. (I like the LHBTQ community.)
That level of selfishness...me, my idea,my company, my vision, my sacrifice, my plan, my silence, my speech, my budget, my comfort, my need, ME.ME.ME. First. Last. Alsays. And this is one man. Now imagine a team of 4-5 such people and no one's listening to the other. I was sick of that.
So I stopped working with such groups and it was good. It was better than good. I was creating so much wealth. Health was good, I was happy. I was getting strong emotionally and my rhythm was so nice. I really respond to a culture of nourishment. And I find that kind of a certain warmth in women's teams. I am a girl's girl and unlike that cliche that two women can't be friends...I can. I have. If I have sustained this long after losing my mom, working 18 hour days, it's because the women I worked with...they weren't friends or anything...they didn't even know I was grieving. But they were there. They showed up for me...for the writer who was helping them in their work.
And this all macho guy gangs...they will not get on your side, nor will they get out of the way. And if ever an opportunity arose to let you know that you were being an inconvenience and difficult, they didn't let that opportunity pass.
So why did I choose to work with them? Because I got it in my head to oversee my bias. I know that some people have strong reservations against me. And for the longest time I wondered why didn't they just get over it. But as one knows, everyone is pretty much a mirror for all the gunk you carry. If I saw pathological stubbornness there, I absolutely have it in me.
But even in that Caviar Club of Narcicissm, I thought three of them weren't like that. And today I sensed that I may have been wrong.
It was really gutting. Of course, I am old enough to know that people don't hurt you. Your expectations of people do. And just as they have their behaviour, I have my biases. There's no point in hating the haters or getting so sick that I can't get out of bed.
And then, one guy who is working on a different project called me. He is a really nice graphic artist. I don't know...I have never met him or never will. He hasn't met me. And we know each other only for two weeks now. He may have sensed something in my voice. So with a lot of gentleness he asked me if he should call later. And he waited for an answer. I felt so overwhelmed. I think in the whole month or so, he was the only person who was talking to me about my work unrushed. He waited. I said sure and we finished work. I thanked him a little too earnestly I think. I might have scared him a bit. I had to finish something for him 6 hours earlier but I didn't because I was busy trying to get replies to my emails from those other groups who are curiously never out of time to tell me how busy they are. Too busy to help me out for projects they have recruited me for. I felt so guilty for delaying this other guy's work that I asked him generally about his other projects...just to see if there was something else I could assist with. And if my storyboard was okay for him. He was so sweet.
In his broken Hindi and English he asked me to explain something if I didn't mind.
He asked me about my email signature. I sign off with this phrase, "Amor Fati". He asked me what it means. I was so surprised. In all these years, maybe 3 people have asked me that. And one of them was Ma.
I told him that it was Latin for Love your fate or destiny. Tried to explain the Stoic philosophy as best as I could.
Then he hung up.
I realised why I had taken on the projects I had. Because I lived in a world so fractured by people who are convinced that they are entitled to their pain. And this kind of pain only comes from prejudice. One day I had told my father that I will never talk to a section of people again. My father quoted Gerald Durell who had gone to concentration camp. When they asked him if he had wanted the Germans dead or whether he despised them, he said that he didn't hate in plurals.
I was getting prejudiced. That's just living with an albatross round your neck. And no matter how I live, I definitely intend to die free. And I can't do that believing that I have all the reason in the world to write off people. I was ready to just walk off from all of them today. But this one call and this one question made me smile. This guy was so simple. And that's what made him a kind, observant teammate.
So, I think I just have to dial back a lot. Take things really slow. One lives in hope.
Still, dear God. I really have had enough. It shouldn't have to be THID painful. I just can't carry on like this anymore.
I will have coffee now with chocolate.
†***"**
Had coffee. Thought about all the people as a mirror. Every single thing I am complaining about, I have had someone say that about me. Hmm. There's work to be done.
I will call that sample guy tomorrow. Maybe I will share the link to this article. 😀 mm
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