Sunday, December 13, 2015

515: The needy part of being human and on having taste of one's own medicine


So we know by now that, at times, people may not be ready for or want to be in a relationship. Sometimes those people feel pressurized - societal, parental, peer, and maybe even internal. That is not correct but I reckon that a person who may feel that way will find some degree of compassion somewhere.
What I find odd is the reverse. That if one is actually keen on being with a partner, then the guy who may want this is desperate and the girl who may want this is needy. If the person displayed the same focus in the pursuit of a sales target or topping a class or becoming really fit or whatever, that same focus and clarity is applauded. Or if it's a little excessive, then the person may be asked to rethink the strategy or tone down the zeal but the person sure as hell isn't dismissed for being 'needy' or 'desperate'. What makes it so crazy to be acutely focused on being ready to nurture a certain kind of human connection?
I have also been one of those who used to dismiss off the ones looking for a relationship as being...weak, you know? Or weird - like a member of Amway or something. I never called anyone needy or desperate but I am sure I told them that I was fed up of them or that they should be more independent or stronger or self-sufficient. Wonder why I did that? Because all of us are strong. If need be, we will all tackle the death of a parent or a loss of a job or a midlife crisis or a health concern without having someone to stroke our hair in bed. We'll all do that. But if one really really wants it, what makes that person needy?
My theory is that it reflects, perhaps, our own helplessness in the face of the uncertainty of fate. Our helplessness and our own trivialty. And no one likes feeling that way. I sure didn't like it. That's why I judged. And that's why I am sorry.
If I judged you and we are no longer in touch and you are reading this, know this - I did not judge you as weak because you were...I judged you as weak because of the fear that I might be.
And for the ones who judged me similarly, know that I forgive you. I was there where you are and I did what you did and hopefully, we'll know better in the future.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Lot of ambiguity there about what 'weak' and 'strong' means and the whole judgment thing.

But the difference between feeling that strong need to be in a relationship and being focused on a sales target or a career is that success in one situation is largely within your control but in the other it is largely contingent on situations or people you have no control over. So, with a relationship, you are essentially placing the responsibility of your happiness and contentment on an external entity and that is not exactly a great idea. And that key difference makes the two situations not just not identical, but opposites, actually. People who feel the need to gain more and more control over their lives, and people who feel the need to hand that to someone else. Don't want to get into the academic parlance of it (personality types etc.) but I am sure you get the hang...