Tuesday, October 13, 2015

562

I am in such a tizzy today. I have been in a tizzy for the last few months, especially the last few days, but today feels especially hard.

If one is going through a sad period and something nice comes up, it is remarkable the amount of suspicion and self-doubt that arises. First of all, I wonder if self-doubt is part of the discovery and experience of depression. Like one doubts whether one is depressed, one wonders whether it is nothing more than an indulgence, one judges oneself for being weak and a cry-baby or drama queen, one feels guilty for nursing a sense of entitlement - of wanting the reality to be something other than what it is right now. If there is sliver of well-being, there is fear of losing it, there is distrust of getting it...and all this is in addition to being sad.

I remember a conversation I'd had with a school friend a long time ago. I had gotten in touch with her after ages. We spoke really late at night after her husband and three kids were asleep. Talk turned to dealing with life when nothing is going your way. And she told me that she generally followed the tenet that her faith laid out for her: sabar karo and shukar karo. (Be patient, be grateful.)

Patience is not my virtue. Gratitude comes easier.

On days like today, it does help to take a step back and allow oneself to feel warm about a clear parking spot, the use of a car, some gainful employment and a loving text message. Any or all of these may not be there tomorrow. But now, at this moment they are. So for now, this moment, it's all good.

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