Sunday, October 05, 2014

873

Of late, I have been complaining a lot about the hours I work. Also, after working those many hours, I just tick off something from a long list of to-dos and don't really feel a fullness from what I have done. The work itself, I think, has shaped out well enough but I still feel that what it took out of me was far too much. I am so grateful to have the kind of mum I have. She is such a partner...gamely putting up with my absences without making me feel bad about not making the time for her.

Overall, I think some amount of resentment has also started calcifying the heart. I don't feel like being in touch with my older friends anymore. Those days when I used to feel warm and cocooned in their goodwill - that feels very fake somehow. I think a year or so ago, there was a robbery in my house and my parents were harmed. None of my friends visited my folks. None of them even called to speak with them. Sure they called to find out how they were doing - the y I suppose one may ask about a trip to Shiridi. I feel particularly sad because my mother is genuinely fond of these pals of mine. She still asks about them and wants me to call them over. And I know the reason those calls or those visits didn't come is because Vashi was too far or a cal would have eaten into their time. It was inconvenient.

To be fair, though, the one guy who did go and visit my parents I lost touch with. So I suppose if one focuses only on what didn't happen instead of being grateful for what did - it's no one's fault.

Anyway, I did the nine-day fast this Navratri and t has really helped me. There was a time when I felt very, how shall I put it, emotionally bloated. Like I couldn't breathe and feel at the same time because some emotion was taking up space in the body. The fast seems to have cut through some blubber and has brought up some issues that I can actually articulate and get a handle on. Otherwise it was just going through the void clutching mist.

Anyway, I suppose I wasn't there for my friends when they were going through things either. No point in feeling bad. It is what it is. Do the coffees and the dinners or the travels and the conversations - but this time, do them with the eyes open.

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