Monday, April 23, 2012

And that was the day today

There is someone with who there has been some misunderstanding. (I hesitate to use the word 'friend' here and 'acquaintance' seems trite.) I thought it was all under control, we had cleared the air, but then I got an email from him stating that I had made a demeaning comment about him. It was the most outrageous statement - that I had criticized him because of the way he looked. This issue is particularly horrible because looks is something I myself have come to terms with, over the years. I would never call someone ugly and or judge people based on their complexion. Initially, I was extremely upset about this. Mainly because I thought the person was a friend and it's horrifying how little someone can know you. Then, I got furious and concluded that people are usually very possessive about their hang-ups. One cannot compete with their rationalizations about them. And if they have low self-esteem, well, they have worked very hard to earn it. So, good luck to them.

Until that point, I was wondering why those comments were bothering me so much. Yes, they alluded to a shriveled, mean mindset - which I avoid having. Or they point to a completely wayward, sloppy upbringing - which again, I don't have. Then, since I am so fond of lathering myself in guilt, I wondered if I had actually said something that may have pointed to that. I tried putting myself in the person's shoes, going over conversations, and wondering what could have possibly been construed to mean, "You're bad because you're ugly and you're ugly because you're dark." Of course, I came up with a blank. But then I realized why I was so upset. Not because of what the person had accused me of. But because of the way he had behaved after the perceived insult.

If I were in his place, if I had to feel so badly about something a friend said, I'd have spoken with him or her. Fairly. And now, based on the stuff I have actually been through, I know that about myself. I speak fairly. I try and sort things out, and despite a few relationships that have fallen on the wayside, I do try and make things work. I would never just accuse someone and then arrogate myself to the position where I say, "Okay, now defend yourself." (Not anymore at least).

Now, I do realize that it isn't correct to expect people to be like oneself. After all, I am hardly as gracious as many others who have been part of my life. But the one thing I do insist on is a modicum of respect. And when you judge someone so harshly, we can safely assume that respect is in a state of complete atrophy.

Sometimes, I think I make such a big deal out of friendship and love. Maybe I should just cherish whoever I can have an open and honest communication with, and who can have an open and honest communication with me. Whether it's the chick on the bike who showed me her finger, whether it's the guy at Karol Bagh who said I had a nice smile, whether it's my mum, or my ex, or my boss, or my neighbor or my maid...I think I'll just have those people in my inner circle.

I reckon I must collect my own little humanity - no great qualities required. Just a group of people who will talk and listen to me. Even without involving love or friendship.    


Anonymous said...

If the first human was an ape like creature & hadn't changed much till today then the ape would have been Mr World and or Miss Universe:)

It is true that beauty lies in the eyes of a beholder.

Anonymous said...

I'll never be able to understand such visceral displays of deeply personal issues emoted so matter-of-factly on a public forum. Are blogs the psychiatric couch of today's digital age? Not only it feels like voyeurism, somehow it also offends and leaves a dour spoor in its trail. Yeah, yeah I know, no one's forcing one to read. Guess its O Henry's Rubberer syndrome that Ballard whipped it differently in Crash...

Mukta said...

You will never be able to understand this, Anonymous, because you have already been the judge and jury on this issue. That's fine, though. It's your call. And blogs are what blogs are. Among many other things, they are ALSO the psychiatric couch of today's digital age. As for voyeurism...I don't know. Reminds me of this anecdote. Someone told Samuel Johnson that his dictionary contained a lot of foul and vulgar words. And he replied that you find them when you are looking for them. :-)

Anonymous said...

You such a fake and you need a shrink babes :-D

Mukta said...

you would know. :-)

Janaiah Malikanti said...

Hey Mukta. I am sorry I am writing over the faceless web. But the thing is u said some thing which u do not even remember. That is very unfortunate. But the thing is I felt bad and I kind of kept a distance from u. Then, u felt that I accused u of something that u do not believe that u could have said. Well, that is pretty subjective.But the fact is I called u up after u came from the U.S. But u did not pick up. Moreover, u did not call back to find out y I called u up. Then I wrote to u what I felt bad abt what have u said. But u denied it out rightly and said let us keep everything to work. Ok.

Then u wrote over ur blog abt "low self-esteem and deserving stuff", which is pretty good enough to show what ur. U also said abt a democratic process of discussion of having chat to find other's point of view. But the point is I called u up two times to talk to u but u did not call back. Instead, u go to the blog and talk abt somebody's self-esteem, ur upbringing and ur approach towards people.
I did not say abt any of these things. Honestly, I feel I have no right to say abt ur upbringing and ur handling of people.

This whole thing from my side is u said something which is not acceptable to me. I also felt that I should clear these things with u over some week end and talk to u. But u felt u did not say. Well, I am not here to produce legal evidence.

Do not say anything abt somebody's low self-esteem. u do not have any right to say to an acquaintance.

Just forget abt every thing. There are bigger things to handle in life. Let us catch up at some time today and talk it out if it is ok to u!