Tuesday, September 20, 2011

What can it mean?

I feel very low today. It's odd because I had a lovely time today. I don't really have any friends in Vashi. So, if the urge strikes me to get a cup of coffee or if I feel this restlessness of just hanging out somewhere close by, I do it by myself. Meeting other friends usually involves making plans a day in advance and traveling all across the city. But sometimes, there are these moods that start scrunching in the mind - like empty toffee-wrappers. Maybe they hid a sweet treat at one time. Now, it's gone.

Today I met a friend who had worked with me ages ago.  A couple of days earlier, we got in touch and she told me that she lives in Vashi. Not just Vashi but fairly close to my house. So, I visited. Her home is in a very charming, leafy lane. It's inside a gated community that has rows of smallish buildings. They are the kinds you find in Saket and Lajpat Nagar - two or three-storeyed buildings. From the terrace of her building, we had a clear view of the shimmering creek and stark little etchings of palm fronds around it. The sky was grey and pale, sea-blue in parts. At times, clouds would part to make way for a solid, thick beam of sunlight. It was around 5 o'clock that time, when we were there. The breeze was fresh and cool, a little moist, and carried with it the heart-stirring idea of going out for a walk.

We went to a park nearby - the same park I go to every evening for a run. This time it was earlier than my regular time and the sky had started getting darker. Slowly, like pain dripping from a heart seeped in sorrow, rain fell. In big, cold drops. It was odd, walking under this light, fleeting rain. It felt as if the clouds were getting lighter but my heart was getting heavier by the minute. We walked around the little portion of the pond, spotted a couple of lush bushes with white and yellow flowers. After an hour there, I went back to my friend's place, chatted some more and came back home.

I'm suddenly feeling very weary. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. It's like, at a cellular level, a tiredness has set in. My blood cells are tired, my gullet is tired, my eyelashes are tired. Somewhere I seem to be nursing a deep disappointment in I don't know what. It's like the good times are not all that different from the bad times. The times choc-o-bloc with interesting activities are pretty much the same as the dull moments where nothing happens. I wonder if this has been brought on by the fact that I haven't slept well in a long time now. I am up through the night and then drift off to sleep around five in the morning. Some personal and professional matters are pressing on me at this point. Nothing that can't be taken care of. But it would be nice if all of these got postponed for later. Maybe a lifetime later. Maybe after my soul has had some time shoveling beauty and quietitude for a couple of eternities. After I have spent at least 4 to 5 years sleeping for ten peaceful hours every night. After I have lived two or three lives breathing deeply every second. It would be nice to get that respite.

For now, I can't think of anything,  to claim that. SI'll just get a glass of something cool to drink and try to do some work.

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