Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Ready? (yes) Steady? (not at all) Go! (Already!)

I am older now, wiser and hence a tad more aware of the discontent that rumbles in the pit of my heart. It's the kind that won't go away. It won't get distracted with all the pretty things I show it. It won't balk and run away because of the myriad fearful scenarios I put up. It just stays there, filing away its nails, not forcing me to look at it, but compelling me all the same. With its faux nonchalance, it whispers: whenever you are ready.

It seems to me that now, for a long time, I am wrestling to do something with my life. Or, if not all of my life, then at least significant portions of my days. Now, I am usually not one for subtle negotiations, etc. So, I usually try to pummel restlessness into subservience or shove it aside. But it comes back, all cool and strong, arching an eyebrow, muttering: whenever you are ready.

I usually don’t have a hard time knowing my mind. Well, it’s fairly blank and straightforward, so what’s to get confused about. But there are so many things that I want to accomplish…yes, accomplish. Steadily, one by one, bit by bit. I think there has been enough meandering. I wanted my soul and my mind to roam unfettered, to pick up souvenirs from whichever lands they traveled. And boy, have they traveled! If my internal recesses were long corridors, they’d still have sands from the shoes of these wanderers.

It’s time to pick a spot, though, and build a home. I think it’s time to consecrate all my focus and efforts and just pour it into some kind of steady flame.

So, now that I am exasperated with holding back a feverish mind, I have decided to do this. I’ve decided to pick up the little postcards, ticket stubs, or gritty shingles of whatever experiences I might have had. I’ll put them all together in a heap. I’ll push them in the center of the room, sit on the floor, and wait until my consummate discontent deigns to look at me. I want it to make something of me. I want it to give it all some structure, some shape, some…something. It’s a lot of fragments. It’ll take it a whole lot of time and a mountain of effort to sift through it all to figure something out.

I’ll be patient, though. I do want to get it right this time. I’ll just sit quietly, watching it assess the amount of work. There’s no rush now. There’s no rush yet. If it looks at me expecting an admonishment, it won’t get it.

With reserve and understanding, I’ll simply say, “whenever you are ready.”

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