Friday, March 17, 2006

My man

A couple of months ago, I was going through a rough patch. Things fells apart and eroded every day. That’s when a friend of mine, who is a sturdy example of how meaningless intellect is, told me that I should work on my butt. He said, ‘You can’t control anything else, Mukta. You may as well get your butt in shape.’

That, of course, was rude advice. I had no idea that my behind was being scrutinized. And I was even more clueless about the fact that it was seen as something that needed considerable improvement. He was right, of course. But I could have done without that gem of insight.

I bring this up now because a few weeks ago, tablemannered tagged me. I have to write about eight traits I want my partner to have. The butt story is to help me remember that line in ‘Lady Windermere’s Fan’, ‘His virtues are only on the surface; and that’s where I like them.’ (The exact quote is much pithier.)

So, in an ode to superficiality, here are my eight traits:

ONE

He must be tall. T-A-L-L. Not 5-10, 5-11 tall but 6-3 minimum kind of tall. Chandigarh tall, not Delhi tall. I love to look at tall people. I am positively mesmerized when I watch tall people drive. The way they adjust the seat to slide back, the way their long fingers shift gears (I think tall people have awesome knuckles), the way they look left, the way they look right, the way their long legs step out confidently, the way they buy you baloons…He must also have a sharp jaw line. You could run your finger along the jaw and your finger would bleed. That sharp. That tall. All that.

TWO

He should please understand that the question, ‘What’s great about Star Wars?’ is a rhetorical question. The answer is implicit: Nothing. No, I don’t know why it got so popular. There are mysteries in this world that I can’t unravel. But when I ask, ‘What’s great about Star Wars?’, I really do mean ‘There’s nothing great about Star Wars.’ I do not want to hear about how brilliantly it was conceived, how Natalie Portman prepared for this role as a foetus, how each strand of dialog captures the vast wisdom of the ages, and how ‘No trying – Do or do not’ is my man’s own personal credo.

THREE

He should share similar values as me regarding non-vegetarianism, i.e.- it is important. I cannot live without meat. I can’t. I have tried. I shrivel in the most ugly fashion. He should realize that when I am asked to eat my salad and I dig into it with my fork, it is only to see what kind of meat lies under the foliage. I don’t eat lettuce. I eat the animal that eats it.

By the same virtue, he should cook mutton very very well. I love the way tall people marinate meat. How they don’t have to struggle to reach for the jeera powder on the top shelf, how there is such fine movement as they go from cooking range to fridge to sink back to cooking range.

FOUR

He should not smoke. Never. Ever. Ever. Not beedi, not cigarette, not cigar, not hookah, not chillum..nothing. And he shouldn’t even bother explaining that ‘ganja’ is ayurvedic.

FIVE

He should be able to speak Haryanvi. I cannot resist tall people who speak Haryanvi; especially when they say the following: ‘Do you have change?’, ‘Need any help?’, ‘Can you help me?’, ‘Are you hungry?’ (The last bit I love in any language, by the way), and ‘Happy New Year.’

SIX

He should have a flair for drama.

Like if I’m angry with him and I’m sulking, he should take me to the terrace, hug me from behind, and show me a firework lit sky. The sparklers must read, ‘I’m sorry, Mukta’.

Or he should get a horse-drawn carriage and wait for me outside office on a Tuesday evening. I’d love to see his tall silhouette romance the cautious shadows under the evening sky.

Or grow me the perfect, rare, black orchid.

Or play the flute while I watch a drizzle at dawn.

Or kiss my hand at breakfast (but not as a ploy to eat my share of sausages.)

SEVEN

He should understand something very, very clearly: I watch movies in theatres. Only when there’s a storm, a riot, or a decade has slipped by since the movie released, will I watch it on DVD. Whether it’s a cinematic blunder or a breathtaking classic, if it’s on the big screen, I will watch it there. Or not at all.

And a bit about the cinema protocol:

We get in BEFORE the movie begins. I want to be inside when the national anthem is going on.

We get out AFTER the movie is over. The movie is over only when the big screen is blank. To make things clearer, when the credits are rolling, the movie is not over because the screen is not blank. So sit.

EIGHT

He should never say the following, even in Haryanvi and even if he’s tall: ‘Anyways’, ‘bitch’, and ‘May the force be with you.’

IF ONLY

He should be all of that…or he should simply be Sanjay Dutt.

19 comments:

Sunshine said...

Boy! Thats's a tall order :) All the best and may the right man be reading this post!!

Anonymous said...

may the force be with you. :)

-J [teerathyatra]

Blythe Spyryt said...

Good list...if u find him, i want his twin brother! :P

N said...

LOL...especially love the bit on non-vegetarianism. And yes, the movie is over only when the screen is blank. Don't you hate it when the jumping jacks in front of you block the view of the credits?:D

Ameet said...

Damn. I always leave when the credits are rolling. I don't make the 6-3 cut either. But I do like your descriptions of tall men engaging in various everyday activities ;)

Oh - and I always thought ganja is ayurvedic. Sorry - but I live in Canada - where we have such a thing as second-hand pot-smoking. It's just something we try to believe as a consolation. Much like "drinking is good for the heart."

crab said...

Can almost picture ya tall haryanvi dude :-)

shub said...

oh absolutely...the 'anyways' bit...i'll realli kill him with my looks if he uses that kind of English...and 'howz you' types...bleeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

Because of B said...

chorri jawan ho ri! thaare tau ne bulaun ke?

(my best try at spking haryanvi. and im tall. jus that i happen to be a woman. heh heh)

Rabin said...

oh wait just a minute here while i adjust my halo...

wokay, here goes,

ONE: Tall Guy: Firstly you gotta strain yer head to look into his eyes and PLUS the dood can have an aeriel view of the population while he walks with ya, all the while you are thinking all his attention is on ya and he is scoping out babes for the next 2 kilometers. And well anyways, get ready for years and years of being looked down upon (quite literally)

Two: If the tall dude starts asking you 'whats great about star wars?', what if he really wanted to discuss the philosophy of Chewbacca's words with you? He claims he understood chewbacca too (maybe he thinks he is a 7 ft wookie!! oooohhh)

Three: Non-Vegitarianism, hmm ok..i give that to ya...that ain't a bad thing..

Four: If he has NEVER smoked, he is lying, c'mon grow up.

Five: Read the lines you wrote:

"Are you hungry"
"Do you have Change"
"Can you help me"

hmm..put em in order .....i dunno about you but i think yer gonna be footing the food bill tonight :P

Five: Considering that this would be a six stored building with a broken tubelight that you are with, what if instead of "i'm sorry mukta", what if he ends up with "i'm sorry mutka?"

You get into the theatre before the national anthem and he does a sing along & dance along with the anthem with all the words wrong...sigh...maybe he'd start a mexican wave too :PP

Oh if it's Sanju Baba...i'm sure visitors day at the prison would be funfilled :)

j/k btw :)

Mukta said...

Hi Sunshine,

Amen to that!

Hey J,

Thank you! Me is force! hee hee!


Hi blythe,

Surely. Surely!

Hi Anindita,

Yes...including those who want to get up and walk about every ten minutes.

Hi Ameet,

If you are interested, I know a few girls who think ganja is ayurvedic too.

Hey crab!

Really? Sniff!

Hi Shub,

Hmm....Also, who confuse 'lose' and 'loose'...such as 'Mukta, I don't want to loose you.' Sure, that gets me all tingly! hee hee!

Hi B,

Awesome! Very very good! Thanks for visiting my blog. Ahem! If you could forward my link to any other Haryanvi men friends of yours....
:-)

Hey Rabin,

Were you born a party pooper or did it take years of practice? Whatever the case, you are indeed one of the finest wet blankets I've come across. hee hee! And well, I AM grown up and I have NEVER smoked. :-) Not kidding.

Khakra said...

brains of tall people are in their kneecaps.. don't tell me i didn't warn you!

Mr X said...

Hmm..lets see, your ideal guy is a gigantic, non-vegeterian, , drama-queen Jat who does not smoke or swear ...

sounds reasonable enuff :)...

doubtinggaurav said...

Sanjay Dutt !

So you have a taste for criminal, Interesting !

By the way all that you want you can find in, well Haryana

chitra said...

Tee hee...loved the last line :) !

Mukta said...

Hi Khakra,
I have brains in my head...that's enough, I think for the two of us. What I don't have, however, is height. :-)

Hey Mr. X,

I am pretty reasonable, I tell ya!

Gaurav!

Really! I mean...sputter..sputter...

:-D

Hey chitra,

:-)

Warble said...

You forgot Nine:

He should make a living instructing porkers to become pilots. Yup, pigs WILL fly.

(But it's nice to hold onto a dream.)

Mukta said...

Dear Warble,

Tsk Tsk.

jaygee said...

You need the force with you if you want to find this list!!!
Also will line up some in June from Chandigarh pref for June. Wot say?

Krishan Singh said...

why he sud not say "‘May the force be with you." ?

'wtever' 'b**h*' I can understand is not appropriate.. but never to say ‘May the force be with you.
WHY!!!??
mannay to tera dimaag theek na lagda.. ? :P