Chiffonesque

 It has been a long time since I wrote. Life is feeling a bit squeezed out. I'm exhausted. Things have been going fine. There have been tough times at work. A lot of work, some people problems, and just overall bummer. But the sun came up, the sun came down - things went forward, things got done. It's Diwali today and I'm not feeling happy at all. In fact, I'm feeling a strange, familiar, age-old heavy sadness. I don't think it's a happy new year. In fact, I don't think it's a New Year at all. It's some inheritance of loss that I am carrying forward and this next year will be the same. And the year after that. And the year after that. I went to Pune the other day. It was a trip that reinforced a few things - that nothing really changes. Life really is a haze. You see shadows of people, things, memories that you think are concrete and sharp and here. But no - their outlines are illusions, their existences are illusions, and they all pass. No one stays...

 I have been feeling very tired and exhausted lately. Stomach is not okay. I get fever on and off. My sleep is so irregular that it's not funny. I really am exhausted and things are weirded out. I ate a large and very tasty breakfast today. But there's just a lot going on.

 I am really having a hard time focusing and also just health-wise. I felt so tired and wiped. I wish I have the energy to carry through the coming week because it's going to be a tough, busy one. Anyway, one step at a time and one breath at a time. Here are all the things that I am grateful for: 1. Papa is well. Spoke to him today. 2. The electricity went off today while I was getting a massage. But it came back on. And now it's there. (I am a little concerned about what I will do tomorrow but we will just have to wait and watch.) 3. The year is feeling really long and it is very exhausting. But I did allow myself a few hours of sleep today. 4. Went out for coffee with my neighbor to Sequel. It was a good, short coffee meet. Sequel is pretty even though the chef and wait staff are a little too hoity-toity. I am grateful that I have the resources for such little indulgences - a massage, a coffee treat, etc. 5. I had sufficient health to get out of the bed, walk down the road, e...

 Here are all the things that I am grateful for: 1. Papa is well. I didn't meet him for Dassera but he was going to the ashram and he seemed happy. 2. It was a tough day at work but got through it on Friday. The coming week promises to be challenging. But grateful that there IS work. 3. Painted my nails red for Dassera. They're looking pretty good. 4. The electricity had gone off today on Dassera but got restored at night. Thankful. 5. Had such a lovely time with a friend. We went to Bandra Born on Chapel Road. It was a happy night. My friend likes pork so she ordered that. I had a pasta with Burrata and tomatoes etc. Nice vibe and good fun!

 Today was a crazy day. Lost a lot of time to weakness and sleep. But still - went for a short walk and took a long, LONG auto ride to do Ma Durga's darshan at Lokhandwala. Let's see. Here are all the things that I am grateful for today: 1. Papa is well. Not heard from him but no untoward calls so that's good. 2. Was tempted to break the fast today and eat rice. But I did not.  3. Went for a quick spin to Lokhandwala and did the Ma Durga dasrshan. 4. Laptop was on the fritz but it started working again. 5. Resisted urge to eat chips. 

 I am grateful for a few things today. But I have to say that it was not an easy day. I am feeling very tired and sleepy and low on energy. Had not so nice feelings and conversations with a couple of people. A friend told me about her credit card fraud. That was scary. But still...will put down all the things that I can thank the pink clouds and velvety sunshine for: 1. Papa is well. 2. Resisted the urge for chips. 3. Managed to get in a workout. 4. Had a good conference call. 5. There was food, electricity, water and a roof over my head. 6. Liked myself in the white and blue cotton Nicobar kurta. 7. Saw a couple of episodes of House I enjoyed.

 Here are all the things I am grateful for:  1. Papa is well. 2. Resisted the urge to snack. 3. Had electricity and water supply and food. 4. Got pretty candleholders and watched teeny flickering flames. 5. Had two meetings. Got through the day.

 It's just past 5. I was wondering whether I should begin work or really take it easy until later. Maybe go to the market to get a papaya and paneer and chillies. But it's compulsive - this typing on a page without any agenda.  Embers. I find myself thinking of embers and fire. And deep sleep and deep rejuvenation. And nourishing darkness. And in that darkness, embers.

 I was really tired all through today but still. Got through it. Here are all the things that I am grateful for: 1. Papa is well. 2. I had time in the morning for some stretches and in the evening, went for a workout. 3. Controlled my urge to have chips. 4. Had a good enough day at work. No major blow outs. Actually no blowouts. 5. Got ride of an old table. That was good. I am making space.

Health is troublesome today. Not feeling good. Need help but still, let's put our bit in the gratitude jar. Here are all the things I am grateful for: 1. Papa is well. I didn't speak to him today but no frantic calls. So I suppose that is good. 2. Had a really nice massage today. 3. Quite enjoyed the workout today. Something about being stretched out, oiled up, and then working out felt good. 4. Had tasty food (for fast). 5. Today some bouts of anger over some really painful past memories came up. I count that as a good thing because it shows me that a tough emotional knot needs to be loosened.

 I am feeling very scattered today. I want to work on something - rather I have to work on something. But I am all over the place. Not that anything has happened now. I just had a massage. It was heaven! But am really oily and I had strange bouts of sleep. But am up. Warmed up my afternoon coffee. Had some pear slices. And am just finishing up the storyboard. I have a few other things planned for the rest of the evening. Let me see if I can manage that.  But let's see how it goes. Maybe another post coming up later.

 Here are all the things that I am grateful for today (even though so much of today was spent in blissful sleep): 1. Papa is well. Spoke to him today. 2. Met a friend at Xero Degrees and had a good coffee. They were generous with hazelnut syrup. Then she and I went to Fables in Juhu. It is such an excellent place! I had a Navratra friendly 'mashed potatoes' and a Buddha bowl. There was so much that I bagged some of it home. Juhu really does have charming spots. 3. Had a good talk with my friend about career direction. 4. Was safe and healthy. 5. Had money to go for a meal, enjoy with a friend, and enough for a sense of well-being. That is precious. 

Today was a tough and tiring day but we got through. Here are all the things that I am grateful for: 1. Papa is well and he sounded happy today. 2. I finished a document on time this morning. I don't particularly like writing one type of thing. But I seem to be getting it all the time. So maybe it is life trying to teach me something. Today I decided to learn in fully. 3. Ate tasty vrat food today. 4. Wore my tangerine dress with a blue and white striped oversized shirt. It looked really chic. 5. I was healthy today. I could use my hands and legs, I could breathe easy, I could go to the bathroom independently. I don't know if it's an effect of only watching House. But I am really grateful for being healthy.

 I type this out just because... Not wearing spectacles and vision is blurry. Has a bath in candle light. Felt nice and special. Am wearing a tangerine dress and a blue and white striped shirt. There are books too read and there's stuff to do. Some kind of a resolve is building up inside me. Let's see how it goes.

 It has been a painful day and my heart feels heavy. I am feeling very tired and exhausted suddenly. But I think the point is a day got done and I got through. That based on how I feel is a big,big gift. Here are all the things I am grateful for today: 1. Papa is well. 2. Cook came today. 3. Managed to keep a fast today. 4. There was electricity, running water, and wi+fi. 5. A friend asked me about my day.

 Here are all the things that I am grateful for: 1. Papa is well. I didn't speak to him today but no frantic calls. So that's good. 2. Met a friend at 'The Bread Bar' at Govandi. It's such a lovely place! I had the cream cheese bagel with caramelized onions. That was so good! Also delish was their Kerala vanilla bean icecream and their rose oolong tea. 3. My contract got renewed today.  4. Wrote about Murakami's 'The Birthday Girl' on LinkedIn.  5. Enjoyed wearing my strappy cotton dress from Nicobar today. I think I looked good. 6. The rick guy I got from Govandi to home was really sweet. 7. The cab guy I got from Bandra to Govandi was really nice as well. 8. A friend returned from a trip to Leh and gifted me a Kaal Bhairav mask. I have put it outside the door. So grateful! 9. Did tarpan and prayers. 10. Had food, clothing, shelter, running water, electricity, and enough in the purse to meet a friend and enjoy a coffee.  11. The Bandra-Worli sea-link wa...

 I forgot to post yesterday and today's a holiday. Am just wandering around like a wastrel. So thought I should fill out my ledger of days gone by. Here are all the things that I was grateful for yesterday: 1. Papa is well. 2. There was a discussion of a work contract getting extended. That was good. I would have liked to take some leave but an extended contract is good. 3. I worked on writing a scope note yesterday. Not my strongest suit. But it was good to work on something that was out of my comfort zone. 4. There was electricity and light. And stable wi-fi. 5. Have a rook over my head and there was food on the table and money to pay off everyone's salaries.

 Today was an emotionally painful day. Came with some realisations. Still here are the few things I am grateful for: 1. Papa is well. 2. Managed a short but quick workout today. 3. Did not eat any packaged food. 4. Found the last copy of a couple of books I wanted. Ordered it. 5. Headache is better.