Dasera diary

There's a lot to write and unpack about today. But I am typing on my phone and I have battled a hardening of heart and failing. So I don't really want to spend a lot of time and energy on this blog post. 

First, hope everyone reading this had a meaningful Dassera and Bijoy Dashmi. I encountered the strength of my own conditioning and mental patterns. This Dassera I found out just how much I had underestimated my resistance. The good thing was that I found a purpose to commit to for the rest of this year at least and see where it takes me.

Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He is not a 100% okay. Had a troubled tummy. But otherwise he is okay. Ate well. 

2. I sensed that I handled two situations better today than I would have done before. But two or three other times, I lapsed back into painful behaviours. Still. The heart will accept everything unconditionally and hold space for them. 

3. Now, this was a revelation for me today but it's not a terribly original idea. When interacting with some people, I noticed that some of my energy centers were paining. So, it's not as if I felt a lot of resistance regarding everything. Or my whole body clammed up. But I noticed that when I got a text message from someone, my chest hurt right smack in the center. Then when someone else called, my solar plexus started hurting. The second instance was a bit weird because that person would ordinarily be a safe, harmless person. And the solar plexus chakra stands for personal power. It starts hurting when you perceive attack. Or you have not protected your boundaries and things have broken down. So, I wondered why that was. I think it is because I feel judged by that person and not in a favourable way. Meaning that I come up lacking things in their eyes. Which of course means that they are nowhere in the picture or equation. It just means I have not chosen myself often enough. (In a way that matters.) Something to work on. 

I am grateful for this realisation. Not really sure whether it is correct or not. But it is special because I realized how powerful and instrument the body is. It indicates so much so subtly, yet clearly. This whole design of having emotions traversing the body and forming little pools or dams or calacites in your veins and organs and bloodstream is fascinating. 

4. I sketched something and shared with everyone. Felt good.

5. Really enjoyed khichdi today after so long. And nachni dosa. And Papa's cook who made a salad with raw onions, smoked red chillies and mustard oil.

October begins

 It has been a very tiring beginning to the first day of my sabbatical. I think if this is how things keep up then I will not get time to really figure out how I want to spend my time or the rest of my life. It sounds big and broad. But it's true.

Here are all the things that I am grateful for today:

1. Papa is well.

2. Had a really really long day today. Started my day around 7. Left for Vashi because I was watching Demon Slayer at Palm Beach Galleria with a friend. It was a long movie and I think the dubbing was not great. But the animations and illustrations were beautiful! The scenes of flowing water, the infinity castle, the snow fall... gorgeous. The background score was really good too. But it was too long.

3. Had a really nice lunch with a friend.

4. Went to Goregaon to meet a friend. Accompanied them to a doctor. It was really difficult getting an auto back but after walking in the rain for a bit, we managed. 

5. Trip home was long, long, long. But reached safe. Got a couple of interesting things from the Farmers Store.

6. Really enjoyed my kuttu paratha and jaggery for dinner.

7. I really want to be mindful of all the resources I have at my disposal at this very moment. Because I will not be working or earning anything for some time now. By design. I want to get through this fear and servile allegiance to certainty. I think I should journal more systematically and document my intent as to why I am doing what I am doing. I think I have a lot of huge resources at my disposal - the chief among them is now a rising and rousing desire to figure out a few things by myself. If there ever was a time and a deep reason to rouse the shakti, this is it. I really want to have the courage to at least try and figure out what is going on in me. 

There's a scene in Demon Slayer where a girl and a couple of people are painting the map of the Invisible Castle. The castle expands in all directions and levels keep getting added to it. There's a point at which this girl realized that no matter how much they work, they will not be able to match the speed and pace at which the castle was growing. She takes a second to notice the horrifying endlessness of the enterprise but then picks up her paintbrush and starts painting again. Because that's what the job at hand is. That's what she signed up for.

This is what I want for myself - to always be cognizant of what I signed up for. 

528

 My contract ends today. I had started a kind of a countdown to this day earlier, not because I was unhappy or anything. Maybe to remind myself that all things are impermanent. Including this. It was really quite a sweet, happy, tough, and am intellectually dazzling stint. But we are done and now I want to take some time to understand a few things about myself, really explore where the fears reside, where the hopes dance, where the freedom lays... Sometimes you have to set sail and explore yourself as a continent. 

I did not do as much heart chakra meditation as much as I wanted. But I got the feeling that my solar plexus chakra is blocked. In a bad way. Let's see. 

I had a raging headache today. It has subsided but I was just so sick of it. Then I slept with some alum under my pillow. I don't know why but it always helps me.

Am having a Diet Coke now. Having turned off the laptop feels sad. But I really am committed to at least understanding some deep fears that I hold. I think something about the psyche needs to know that it can trust me to give it time and attention. 

A friend called me earlier to tell me some news. It was a little disturbing. Actually no. I will not label anything. It was news. There were facts and details that I was not expecting to hear. But there they were. So that's okay. We will deal with the facts as and when things come our way. 

All the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. I finished all the tasks assigned to me. I am usually not known for finishing things well. But I did that.

3. Had an extended head massage with warm coconut oil.

4. Have a home, running water, and health. So so grateful that the headache subsided.

5. The kuttu aata ka dosa was awesome!

6. In September the blog crossed 1 lakh hits. That's interesting!