Day 88 of 108

I don't know how much longer I can take this. Even my fatigue is tired. It seems to be tough going for a while now. But these are the times one remembers one's yoga lessons for...it doesn't get easier, you get stronger.

Well, I don't believe it today but here we are.

Here are all the things I am grateful for today:

1. Papa is well. We had a difficult episode today but it's okay. We passed through that. I pray that whatever tangled knot there is gets untangled now.

2.  On the way to get the newspaper, I saw a tiny baby, Dhruv. He could barely keep his head up. Little puffy cheeks he had.

3. I made a cream cheese sauce that I had with bread late at night. 

4. Managed to keep a fast.

5. Had electricity. 

Day 87 of 108

If my fatigue could get tired, I am there now. I just got a bit of respite when I prayed a little bit. But there is life. So there is hope. And one lives centered in that. 

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He ate well today. He also went to the gym to work out for 20 minutes. He looked quite cute in his red jumper and khaki shorts.

2. Got a call from a friend. We might be meeting on Saturday. Really looking forward to it.

Shucks. I was not able to paste this yesterday. Never mind. It's okay. I will still complete the other 3 things today.

3. Both cook and cleaning lady came.

4. The dhobi turned up. This may seem like a strange thing but thus dude keeps taking off whenever.

5. Had good food. Ordered boondi laddoo from Meetha. 

Day 86 of 108

Flight, fright, freeze...and now, I am in freeze mode. It is so hard to summon peace. There's really so much going on around us. When I go out in the morning, I feel the sense of war and some kind of tired wrath around. It is sick and painful. Still, one must plod on and I am grateful for the opportunity to just show up...if nothing ese other than to see how things continue. 

Anyway, here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. His lower back is hurting and he is forgetting things. But we went to the building gym today where he happily cycled for 10 mins. I was still in my dress and flats but tried doing some weights. I will need to get back to it but am grateful that I got a chance to do that.

2. A friend called up. It was so nice and soothing to hear from him. Felt a little nourished. I have a feeling that something unsettling will happen towards the end of the month. So I just try to shore up on as much peace as I can.

3. The puranpolis I got from Manek superstore were awesome! I really liked their thepla too but Papa didn't like them. We are fond of their idlis though.

4. Managed to keep a fast.

5. Had water, food, and electricity. 

Day 85 of 108

 There have been a few upheavals today. Could not keep my fast. But held ground. So, no harm done. Managed to keep track of the electrician's visit, father's medication, and put in an honest day's work. So, good so far. 

Anyway here are a few things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He wrote a little bit and went for a walk. That was nice. I was a tad worried but he came back safe. He doesn't like walking but it's important that he do it.

2. The electrician came on time and fixed the fan. It was a quick, easy process without the million follow-up calls, etc. That was good.

3. Was too hassled today to fast. So ate bur liked my mix of soy wheat soba noodles and white rice.

4. Had electricity today. And there was water, etc.

5. Got some money that was owed to me from before. Always a nice thing to happen as one approaches the end of the month.

Day 84 of 108

 It was such a precious day today. I had my own weary heavings of expectations and a lot of mindless scrolling but I felt a sense of nourishing rest that I had not felt for a long time. 

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. 

2. I made up my mind today to not get impatient about a lot of things. I managed to not erupt.

3. Finished reading Max Porter's Shy today. It was a rough read. 

4. Papa and I went to Facing East in Juhu for dinner. He really enjoyed it. He is asleep now, like a peaceful child. That's nice.

5. Managed to keep the fast today. 

Day 83 of 108

 I am beyond exhausted. There is a slight fever. Nowadays my days are a gamut of such emotional rides that it feels as if I am living 15 days in 1 day. Is that good? Or not? After reading No Bad Parts, I am really trying to stay away from labels. So, the days go by drip by drip. Still, a lot happened today.

1. Papa is well. I was really upset with him this morning. But as I reflect now, I don't know if I was upset with him or at my own helplessness. Even as I was losing my cool, I could not believe how calm he is. But the fact remains that he is losing his memory and like it or not, I am not able to do much about it. I am operating at my maximum capacity of nervous system equilibrium. But just when you think you can't manage more, life does expand your capacity. So, really grateful for that. Papa is well and now fed and happy.

2. We went for a movie today, "Goat" at my favourite cinema hall, PVR Lido opposite SNDT college. We reached early. There was a private screening of the same movie going on for a bunch of kids...maybe 5 or 6 year olds. So cute and noisy! Papa was quite intrigued with this whole new world where stylish event managers handled return gifts of children, arranged for drop-offs and such. The movie is quite well made but I thought the emotional core was a little lacking. But Papa was seeing a movie after 4 years or so. So he was quite pleased with the experience.

3. We went to Dosa Dosa on Juhu for an after-movie snack. Papa had a ragi ghee dosa. I was fasting so I did not eat anything. But it looked like a really nice place and I would love to try it out someday.

4. We went to Nariman Point to enjoy the sunset. And I really wanted Papa to take a walk. Papa was so happy with the Coastal Road! That's a joy...to see him happy and mesmerized with these things. He looks so cute! Nariman Point is such a rhapsody. It can make a crowd and cluster of random people look like a cinematic ensemble. The haze is really strong now. But still...when the lights come on after the sun goes down... it's like polished diamonds adorning a gracious empress, one at a time.

5. Ate kadhi-chaawal in the evening. I just love that. 

I know that I am trying to avoid facing up to a truth...my father may never remember this day. (I quizzed him about a few facts today. He remembered a few details and forgot a few others.) God forbid but there may even come a time when he does not remember me. So I am just grateful that I have the option to write and record these things. Granted...all this is like building castles in the sand. And tomorrow the waves of the ocean of Time will erase it all out. But...until then, the heart is grateful for Saturdays like this when it all came together for a father and a daughter in a large city. 

Day 82 of 108

 I am tired but a little relieved. I think I can take one day off in the coming week. Let's see how that goes. Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I was so upset with him this morning. He just doesn't listen sometime.

2. Had an interesting conversation with my boss. 

3. Got through two calls today.

4. Managed to keep a fast today.

5. Felt sick but Papa soothed me down.

Day 81 of 108

 Well, we are done. A whole day spent but not much got done. But a lot got discussed and we will notch that down to one type of existence. Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Managed to keep a fast today. 

3. Really enjoyed my cortado at Boojee.

4. Survived a work day.

5. Liked my star-splattered dress from nearly 10 years ago.

Day 80 of 108

It was an okay day. A lot on my plate but much got done. Of course, much remains. 

to be done as well. There is a lot of exhaustion and loose ends. A couple of spats exist. 

Here are a few things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Got through the day.

3. Got through a couple of calls. Did not like how they went. But calls began and they ended.

4. Tried to get an ex-colleague a job. It was not a good experience...to see the humungous amount of pain someone earnest has to go through. And now I really do wonder if getting older is the bane that it is. What do you do if you get older and don't have a livelihood? That is painful. And scary. So am grateful for having the resources I do - not just the work I have but the options to help out someone.

5. Today, the cook had made really tasty food! The karela fry was yummy! With rice and yellow daal, it was the perfect meal.

Day 79 of 108

I am so tired and weary but today, oddly, am not bereft of hope. The eclipse happened and I managed to keep a fast. So there is that. Now, I pray that whatever happens, I get some steadiness in my field.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. We went for an impromptu night ride to Mount Mary. He climbed up to the Basilica and looked so pleased with himself!

2. Both help came today.

3. I got Arabian pudding from Pakeeza, which Papa really liked.

4. Finished a video storyboard today.

5. Ordered for masala pav from Amrut Sagar. Gosh! So tasty! Broke my fast with that. Really happy!

Day 78 of 108

I deserve a medal for how much resistance I have pushed through today. It was a reasonably slow day workwise. I started reading Shy by Max Porter. Am finding it a tad hard to follow. But will continue.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I was upset with him because he went out without finishing his protein shake and taking his meds. But thankfully he came back at night and is now fed and fine.

2. Cook and help - both came today. I really can't take this for granted. So so grateful for being able to afford help.

3. Completed a draft of a storyboard. There is some sense of accomplishment.

4. Had electricity and running water.

5. Enjoyed the dosa etc. in the morning. I overate today. Lots. Stress eating. It's okay. Goes to show I have food. And really grateful for that.