Day 21 of 108

 I dawdled in bed a lot this morning. The sun was up and it was still early. So I got up, stuffed a few things in my trusted backpack and walked to the beach. Dusty lanes in a village. Litter of pups tumbling about. Swaying palm trees. Large kokum, mango, and jackfruit trees in backyards. And then the gorgeous sun, the empty beach, a roaring sea...and the song of peace in my ears and heart. I loved my morning so much! I just parked myself on a dupatta and let the world do its thing. The sun climbed in the sky but it didn't feel uncomfortable. I was lusciously relaxed! I had a few moments of uncomfortable clarity. All the beauty in the world did not take away the stale worry and narrative that I was carrying in me. I am today not strong enough to do anything about it. But I intend to be that way someday. Until then, we do the best we can. Listen to the sea. Surrender to the Lord. 

I went to the spa for a massage. That was expensive. And not worth it. But it was an experience. I was almost attacked by some strays in the evening. Thankfully I screamed and a sweet shopkeeper took them away. Gosh! That was close. 

And the definite highlight was a swim in the pool at night. Dear Universe, if ever I have felt loved...it was in that moment...when I was floating on my back and looked up to see pretty stars amidst a tapestry of leaves. There were sounds of bhajan and keertan coming from a neighborhood temple. The melody carried over the water. 

I was swimming. I was free. 

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Got really sweet autorickshaw people to and fro the city area. 

3. Got saved from dogs 

4. Really relished the ghavan and aaloo matar. And of course, loved the sol kadi. Love it so much!

5. Met a guy at the beach. He is a Math teacher from Pune. We talked about the places he has traveled to and he mentioned Jaisalmer in June. I have never been to Jaisalmer. May be worth checking out. 

Day 20 of 108

 I am so, so tired! In a little beach hamlet. Had a ferry ride from Bhaucha Dakka. Walked a lot. Really embraced the sun. And enjoyed my favorite drinks! Sol kadi and spiced kokum sharbat! Yummy!

Anyway, last night was a frantic and crazed search for some cupboard keys. I turned the house upside down. My brain really is going addled! I think after my job is done, I will focus on getting good sleep. 

Plan - 3 months will focus on sleep. 3 months on movement. 3 months on food. 3 months on writing. (Or at least this is the idea that comes to mind as I stay in a cute little homey place in a village.)

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Spoke to him today.

2. Safety in the part of the world I inhabit currently. Our ferry traversed the ocean smooth and without hiccups.

3. A sweet and no-nonsense auto-driver who did not speak for the full 1 hour drive from our jetty to the place I am staying at.

4. Health and ability to walk.

5. Sol kadi, spiced kokum sherbet, a super veg thali, a clean cool room for a nap. 

6. Finished reading "The Pearl" by John Steinbeck. What a beautiful, loving story!

7. Started reading Miranda July's "No one belongs here more than you." So grateful for books! And particularly my collection. 

Day 19 of 108

 I am running low on cash now. It's okay. We will sort this out over time. Anyway, it was Easter Sunday today and I reflected a lot on the story of Christ. I find the spirit of sacrifice very very beautiful. How can someone carry the Cross, knowingly get betrayed, get subjected to so much pain...and yet forgive? How can a heart be full of such love? It really moves me...the sight of Christ on a cross. 

Anyway, here are a few things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I did not call him today. But there were no frantic calls from home. So I guess it is okay. I think I love my father but I wouldn't be able to do for him what Christ did for God. It sounds like a weird thing to say or think about. But I do wonder...what is the extent of innate selfishness and demonic sickness that lurks in the heart. How can a human be expected to extend themselves beyond this short fuse and serious limitations and get better? That's a good question to occupy the mind.

2. I went to the Trilogy bookstore near Carter Road. It is in a wee little lane inside Chuim Village. I did not find the place initially. But a nice security guard helped me out. It's a nice enough place but too many rules...like with all things Bandra. If it is bright yellow and even just a little bit nice, it becomes too full of itself. But it is a library as well. So that is good. It's a good thing to know. Also, Carter Road was so gorgeous!

3. I got a Brazilian wax done today. (Urban Company). The young girl who did it was exceptional! She was also quite chatty and told me that she and her family tend to 14 cats! She also told me of a spooky experience she encountered near the Devi temple (yes! There is one!) near Bandra Fort. She told me about an agency called Yodha that takes care of the medical treatments of street dogs and cats for free. They apparently also treat other pets at a nominal costs. I like it when good storytellers tell me horror stories.

4. A resolve is formulating in my head and heart. I am not yet strong enough to solidify it. But the stirring of something important is equally a blessing to note.

5. Had a good trip to Juhu. Enjoyed a nice avocado toast and blueberry smoothie in one of my favourite places! Then headed back 

6. Summer brings out the colors of flowers so well! Gorgeous! Outside Jogger's Park, there was a Bougainville that was a cloud of pink!

Day 18 of 108

Returned home to Bandra today. Had a strange and beautiful epiphany in the auto. It wasn't a new epiphany. It was an old one. But it suddenly hit home. That every block is an internal one. I hope that I don't forget it. Sometimes I feel as if the muscles around my knees are getting weak. I am finding it difficult climbing up and down the stairs. Something to work on.

Anyway here are some picture and a few things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. A friend had sent flowers yesterday. My help arranged them in glass jars. 

3. Ordered some Chinese food from Chinese Wok. Manchurian was nice. Garlic Rice lacked flavour.

4. Had puri at home today.

5. Managed to get my AC remote to work.

6. Wrote about a book I read long back. I love writing. Makes me feel so peaceful.

7. Am safe.

First Impressions: An Elderly Lady is Up to No Good by Helene Tursten (Translated by Marlane Delargy)

 

A write-up about a book should not begin with a description of its cover. But this one should. The cover is white with some kind of cross-stitch pattern on it. The needlework has skulls in black, large hearts in red, some curlicues and diamond specks in navy blue. The stitch theme of the cover is actually quite apt because this book is a set of linked short stories centering around a character, a woman in her eighties, called Maud. There is no real overarching plot. Each story, in a way, is ‘stitched’ onto the larger canvas of the narrative.

Maud is a single, old lady who has lucked out due to real estate laws in Gothenburg, Sweden. She lives in a pretty little apartment in a fancy area because her family got lucky with some deals and she doesn’t have to pay market price for rent. She is the only surviving member of her family. Her life is quiet and simple. She lives off her pension and travels a fair bit. Sometimes, she comes across people who try to take advantage of her. They try to get her off her apartment or try to marry her ex-fiancé deceptively – and Maud kills them.

There is such sweet viciousness in the way Maud’s character and this set of stories is set up that you can’t help but cheer her on. Well, if not encourage her, then certainly accept her. You know how much her new found independence means. She grew up in a family that was considered well off but her father died, leaving a trail of debtors. Her mother could not cope and withered away. Her sister turned into a paranoid hypochondriac. When Maud wanted to let out one of their rooms for rent, the sister wouldn’t allow it. As a result, they spent a really cold winter huddled in the one room of the house where they could afford to use heat in (and watch icicles form outside the windows).

So the descriptions of her getting her one block of cake for Christmas, her routine of laying out her tray of evening tea, her living room, her neat stacks of toiletries that she packs of travels – all of them point to hard-won pockets of peace that she waited for her whole life. When a young, popular, and rich neighbor eyes her flat and wants Maud to go to a smaller house because she is…let’s face it…not worth all that much…you can really feel the rage seething. On the surface, ‘An Elderly Lady…’ is everything one expects in a Scandinavian crime-writing work (calm on the surface, a chilling unexpected twist, a return to ordinary soon after.) However, the underlying observation on what is the life of a woman worth if she isn’t young, rich, or famous? How much “space” can she occupy?

You don’t often think of crime novels as “wholesome” but this one is. The setting of people waiting for a bus, local stores where people know your name and preference of ham, the parcel of salad with tasty dressing – everything is so nourishing. (On another note, even Graham Norton’s “The Holding” is a lovely idyllic little whodunit.)

These descriptions of the everyday make you see a number of things in a benevolent light.

For me, it was aging. It went from a biological determinant to a stage of unexpected alchemy.

When you’re up to no good, who knows what heights you reach?

Day 17 of 108

 It is my birthday today. Had come to meet Papa. He was not at home. I waited. Had Maggi. Then he came with flowers and had his dinner. He has gone off to sleep now. 

Every year my birthday, especially the years after Ma passed away, have always been laden with sadness. I don't think I can escape it. A long time ago, someone I knew had once told me that I have the destiny to always be sad. I think that might be true but now as years go by, I don't think it's a bad thing. Sorrow keeps you deep and on the path to investigating the Truth...the one path that will lead to liberation. 

I woke up and remembered that I needed to complete some pending work before I go on leave. I still don't know when my last day is. But maybe soon. In any case I didn't want to leave any loose ends. So I completed the set of tasks. That was a big relief. 

I also picked up John Steinbeck's short story, "The Pearl". Because it's my birthday read. My name is Mukta and Mukta means pearl. It also means freedom. Last year when I had gone to Rishikesh, by the Ganga, I fell in love with my name. I think it's a sweet, soft name...like a blessing. My personality doesn't currently suit the name. But I have faith. Maybe in time it will.

There are a few resolutions I am thinking of making. Let's see how it goes. I don't want to share them because I feel silence actually fuels journeys involving great depths and great heights. 

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. When I did not find him at home, I was a little worried. But I paced and controlled myself. He returned a few hour later, tired but well.

2. Am healthy.

3. Had money to come by auto.

4. Settled the bill with the dhobi today. He is quite an erratic and shifty character. I think he increased the cost of ironing bedsheets randomly. But given what is going on in the world who can blame him?

5. Started reading a new book on my birthday. Steinbeck no less. Feels like self-love.

6. Am safe. 

7. A few sweet people wished me Happy Birthday. 

8. I feel my mum's blessings and love as I lie on her bed. 

Day 16 of 108

 

The pictures don't look like much. But...it is testament to what can happen when you don't expect anything. I don't think I can ever not expect anything...no. That's not true. I intend to become the person who doesn't expect anything.

Anyway, here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Spoke to him.

2. Got through a rough and tough meeting.

3. A friend had connected with me a few days earlier with a strange and magical request. It was so sudden and beautiful and bizarre that I allowed myself to think of something I had not thought about for a long time. Then we had talked. And then he disappeared. And today he appeared again. We went to August Cafe where I had cutlets and a Vietnamese coffee and he had a chicken and pesto wrap and orange juice. Then he wanted liquor so we stopped at this liquor store called Maison or something on SV Road. Gosh! It's grand! I got a Greygoose vodka and Sepoy tonic water. The rose and elderflower tonic water is just so pretty! I fixed him a drink and poured myself the tonic water in a goblet... that's as far as I will go with drinking. Then we talked...about childhood trips and all that. I don't know...I can see that some people genuinely do try to be good. They do try to make promises that they will keep. But I feel that I can innately know that that's not to be. It's an ageless part of me that seems to know it...the way the sky knows that a full moon's promise to remain whole will not last. It will wax and wane. And become full again. For what it's worth, we had a sharp, soft good time.

4. I had kept some money aside to buy myself this pair of Celine frames I had seen earlier. But I had to service my laptop and upgrade etc. It set me back a whole lot. So I can't get those glasses now. It's okay. I am grateful for that feeling. Of being okay with budgetary reallocation. 

5. I got Aflatoons today! Yummy! 

6. I am supremely grateful for one piece of clarity that I got today. I will not share it now. But will act on it from tomorrow. Yes. Clarity is a huge deal. Bigger than anything else. 

Day 15 of 108

I am so tired. I had a very strange and vivid dream last night. Actually I have been having strange dreams over the last few days. Many times I imagine a human (maybe me) in the center of some kind of nothing landscape. There's no ground and there's no sky. Around this figure (me?), there are large panels. They may or may not be mirrors but they seem to have some kind of a reflective surface. And this figure is kneeling in the center, head bowed down...not in prayer. Maybe defeat or resignation. 

I think the dream points to living in a multiverse. But I don't know.

Not been feeling well. Still had a meeting. Got through the day.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Spoke to him today. He sounded chirpy.

2. Managed to go to the gym today. Worked out more than yesterday.

3. Paid up my help's salary. I really like making the payments at the start of the month...on the first. In the middle, a month or so, I was not able to do that. My payments were coming in late. That had bothered me somewhat. This month, rectified it.

4. Resisted my temptation to eat meat.

5. Read a little bit.

A quick snack

 Here's what I whipped up: mashed avocado with chaat masala to which some kiwi slices were added and a cube of cheese was shredded into. Also a lot of pepper was folded in. 

A very interesting and yummy dish! 

Day 14 of 108

 Paid the electricity bill today. Alarmingly high, I thought. The rest of the bill payments begin tomorrow. It's 12 now and my birthday month has begun! Given that I have been having such a rough and tough time lately (and I have full faith that the grief and sadness will continue - being such resilient little beings), should I even celebrate my birthday? I mean...I suppose I will because all things aside, life has been good and kind. Even if a tad merciless at times.

Okay, I haven't worked out today. Maybe will do some stretches after I finish a little bit of my coffee. 

Okay, am back. I just did two surya namaskars. My God! My body has become so stiff! When I used to learn yoga, my instructor had once taufght us that the emotions and thoughts - when they get crusty, the body gets stiff. And lately with the way I have been feeling, my body showed up! Gosh! I am so lucky that I remember the Surya Namaskar steps! It is deeply, deeply life affirming.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He had called me today. He sounded happy and upbeat!

2. Cook came today. She will take leave tomorrow but landed up today. She made an Andhra rice cake dusted with chilli masala that was quite tasty!

3. Was listening to Kun Faaya Kun while doing yoga. I never really liked Rockstar the movie. But this song is sweet and haunting. I imagine an enchanted yet desolate forest. It seems eerie when you are standing at the outskirts and then when you enter it, some dappled shade makes you feel as if you are home.

4. I attended work today. Made some progress - very little...but still did that.

5. Today I slept off a little bit in the middle of the day. Sometimes that is the luxury of an otherwise ordinary life. 

Day 13 of 108

I think once my job is done by the end of the week, I will take two months off to write. Will keep my phone off. I realise I am spending way too much time here. 

I had a realisation today. I felt that we are already a storehouse of everything that we will ever feel in this life. And those feelings pass the same way the hours of a day pass on. So passage of time is simultaneously an existential concept as it is a bona fide temporal one. The passage of time lives inside our bodies. And they occupy the same space. Just as dawn and dusk of a Tuesday are inherent in the Tuesday when it begins. So the instances when I feel resentful or hopeful or happy or sodden with grief - it's the same source...a heart that beats. How can it be wrong?

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He sounded energetic in the morning.

2. Ordered a really large Margerita gourmet pizza today. To hell with anyone telling me that I should not be eating it! Hundo's. It was very nice.

3. Went to the gym for a really short while. To hell with anyone telling me that I should spend more time there. I know what it took to get there. So that's that.

4. Had a good cup of tea.

5. Have water and electricity. There's money in the bank. I have ordered lots of books. Also I already have a lot of books. Grateful for that.