Day 72 of 108

I have lived with the worst headache today. It was crazy. Head feels heavy and I feel nauseous and bloated! But...still managed to finish up one part of work and attended a call, etc. So, we did what we did. Done.

There was a water problem today and it was horrible. The panic and the sudden breakdown of my spirit. But no matter. We got through. 

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He and I got into a typical spurious altercation in the morning. But he is always so sweet and calm! But later tonight, we had a really lovely conversation.

2. Have not been getting time to work out. So grateful for the short walk to buy vegetables.

3. Managed to get through a call today.

4. Got through work today. It is feeling so hard nowadays.

5. Quite enjoyed the dosa today. 

Such is life. 

Day 71 of 108

Lord! The amount of work! Today I could feel it in my bones...the notion that I am an old soul! Goodness! The weariness, the jadedness... actually it is not grief. I think it is just fatigue. I could not carry some burden anymore so I bowed out of something. I feel a tad bad but there is a larger hefty elephant-proportioned task to take on. 

Here are a few things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He has eaten and is asleep now after taking his medicines. So cute he looks when he is resting.

2. Today a familiar trigger happened and I gave in to it. But after it had blown over, I realized that it is painful. But making eye contact with the pain actually brings peace.

3. Finally made some overnight oats today. Papa and I will try them tomorrow but I am just glad that I got the dates to make them.

4. Ordered for some things from Goila Butter Chicken today. Papa liked the dahi ke kabab. I did not. But so grateful for this. 

5. I got through the day. I am soothed.

Day 70 of 108

 I am really, really overwhelmed. I have no idea what is happening but some steadiness and some stability has to come my way soon. But I have to commend myself on just how much I am taking these last few days. It's amazing how much volatility a heart can cope with...must cope with. 

Here are a few things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He is with me now, a little reluctant to be in Bandra. But I am relieved.

2. Cook had made really tasty chhole.

3. Had a good chat with Papa. 

4. Have a comfortable home for my family.

5. There is water, electricity, food, and enough for a few treats. That really is sufficient for making a world. 

6. Bought roses today. Love them! 

Day 69 of 108

 I am at Vashi tonight and I am staying over. Some major shifts are afoot - and I don't mean physically. Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I cannot explain just how much relief and joy this bit fills me with. 

2. Got some money credited today and paid off the maintenance for the house. 

3. Ate a ton of rice. It makes me feel so good. This was a masala vegetable pulao with some yummy mango chutney.

4. Had a good rick ride to Vashi. Reached quick.

5. Had a tough discussion with the staff but sorted that out.

6. A friend is in Goa. I just felt so happy with the notion that someone is enjoying themselves there. 

Life is sweet. With the knot of anxiety and the strange grief that pervades off and on...life is sweet.

Day 68 of 108

Survived a day and survived a night. Survived a week.

I checked up on a friend today. I thought she was trying to convince herself of a whole lot of things. And I found myself making some tall claims too. Well, it is always good when you notice the prickly part in yourself.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Finished the main parts of my work today.

3. I enrolled in a short workshop.

4. Really wrestled with deep resistance. I don't think I won over it for good. But today, could overcome it.

5. Was really tempted to say something sharp against someone. But I did not.

Day 67 of 108

I am so tired and so exhilarated that I could cry. And I probably will. But the day endes so quickly after dragging on forever. I am exhausted. 

Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. One of my past dues got cleared today. So that is good. And a huge relief. 

3. Sudden plans happened and I went for a walk after work with a friend. He walks really briskly. So that was good. It felt good.

4. Had a good chat with a friend. Another friend from long ago called.

5. I had two small pudding cups from Pakeeza. That was yummy. 

Day 66 of 108

Tough day but survived it. There was a longish stretch of peace in here. But it vanished a little bit. I am so so tired. The exhaustion is crushing. 

Anyway here are a few good things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Today I was really worried about him. I needed him to come but he was busy. I was really worried but later I spoke with him, so felt good. Relieved.

2. The cleaning lady landed up today. So that was really good.

3. A client meeting happened so that was okay.

4. I did something a little interesting today.

5. Managed to get through without a meltdown. That is huge.

Day 65 of 108

Heaving a sigh. I am not having a good day, week, month, year. It is getting very very difficult and I think it will get stickier and tougher as the case may be. I really really miss Mummy. I wish she was here. Here with me. If I walked to the next room, she would be with me. My mummy. Who I would hig tight. I really really want my Mum.

Anyway, grief and boredom aside, here are a few things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Spoke to him today.

2. Went to Mount Mary tonight. Felt a little soothed.

3. Was feeling really low so took myself out for a burger. It was expensive considering payments haven't come in and I still got to do stuff. But...there was some extra for a tiny treat.

4. Cook made good poha today.

5. Prayed a little bit.

Day 64 of 108

So exhausted but I am in a goodish space. Mainly because it was so heavy and rough but stayed true and got through.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Cook turned up today.

3. Got through a rough day today. I am just notching up all the days I survived so that I remember that about myself if and when things get tougher 

4. Enjoyed my cup of caramel custard from Pakeeza.

5. Loved the quick walk up Pali Hill.

Day 63 of 108

 There was some quiet chaos and some deep knot of nervousness. I felt good after journaling a bit. Anyway, here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Both help came today. Tomorrow onwards one of them is on leave so I may as well enjoy the regular attendance when they do turn up.

3. Wanted to go for a walk. But just walked to the neighborhood Starbucks. Spotted a glorious, shiny moon - full and luscious! Met a neighbor on the way, waved hello - I don't know why...this strange human fleeting interactions seem oddly pleasant someday.

4. Got really tempted with cheese masala dosa. So I had one plate at Mani's. It was so, so good!

5. Chatted with a friend on phone. That was nice.

6. Journaling felt good. 

7. Had a good discussion at the Book Club meet. 

Sine qua non of Almost Reading

 We had to read 'Behave' by Robert Sapolsky for my Book Club. It has a tasty introduction but is a tome to get through. Of course, I have no real excuse other than sloth, intellectual lethargy and usual potion of procrastination and dispersed focus. But I still landed up at the book meet. 

And I noticed that there is a way readers don't read. In the sense, their non-reading is also a kind of reading. Like when a billionaire becomes a millionaire - sure, there is huge loss. But there is still enough money to get by. I reckon this is sounding like sugar-coating lapse but here's what I mean.

We discussed a little bit about what we thought of the book of whatever we had read. And that is where, even the non-reading of the material was described with some subtext. They weren't all bald, bland, and blatant 'No's'. There were some of those. But there were also some who catalogued their perusals carefully. Some connected what they had read with whatever else they had read at another time - like daisychaining a set of ideas. Then there were the recommendations. That is always the most precious part of any conversation about books, isn't it? What does this topic remind you of? If you liked this theme, you may enjoy that. What would you recommend I invest a few hours of my life in? 

Even the attempt of reading a book and then failing at it (my own performance was abysmal) is the least hopeless in a confederacy of (almost) readers.