Day 66 of 108

Tough day but survived it. There was a longish stretch of peace in here. But it vanished a little bit. I am so so tired. The exhaustion is crushing. 

Anyway here are a few good things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Today I was really worried about him. I needed him to come but he was busy. I was really worried but later I spoke with him, so felt good. Relieved.

2. The cleaning lady landed up today. So that was really good.

3. A client meeting happened so that was okay.

4. I did something a little interesting today.

5. Managed to get through without a meltdown. That is huge.

Day 65 of 108

Heaving a sigh. I am not having a good day, week, month, year. It is getting very very difficult and I think it will get stickier and tougher as the case may be. I really really miss Mummy. I wish she was here. Here with me. If I walked to the next room, she would be with me. My mummy. Who I would hig tight. I really really want my Mum.

Anyway, grief and boredom aside, here are a few things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Spoke to him today.

2. Went to Mount Mary tonight. Felt a little soothed.

3. Was feeling really low so took myself out for a burger. It was expensive considering payments haven't come in and I still got to do stuff. But...there was some extra for a tiny treat.

4. Cook made good poha today.

5. Prayed a little bit.

Day 64 of 108

So exhausted but I am in a goodish space. Mainly because it was so heavy and rough but stayed true and got through.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Cook turned up today.

3. Got through a rough day today. I am just notching up all the days I survived so that I remember that about myself if and when things get tougher 

4. Enjoyed my cup of caramel custard from Pakeeza.

5. Loved the quick walk up Pali Hill.

Day 63 of 108

 There was some quiet chaos and some deep knot of nervousness. I felt good after journaling a bit. Anyway, here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Both help came today. Tomorrow onwards one of them is on leave so I may as well enjoy the regular attendance when they do turn up.

3. Wanted to go for a walk. But just walked to the neighborhood Starbucks. Spotted a glorious, shiny moon - full and luscious! Met a neighbor on the way, waved hello - I don't know why...this strange human fleeting interactions seem oddly pleasant someday.

4. Got really tempted with cheese masala dosa. So I had one plate at Mani's. It was so, so good!

5. Chatted with a friend on phone. That was nice.

6. Journaling felt good. 

7. Had a good discussion at the Book Club meet. 

Sine qua non of Almost Reading

 We had to read 'Behave' by Robert Sapolsky for my Book Club. It has a tasty introduction but is a tome to get through. Of course, I have no real excuse other than sloth, intellectual lethargy and usual potion of procrastination and dispersed focus. But I still landed up at the book meet. 

And I noticed that there is a way readers don't read. In the sense, their non-reading is also a kind of reading. Like when a billionaire becomes a millionaire - sure, there is huge loss. But there is still enough money to get by. I reckon this is sounding like sugar-coating lapse but here's what I mean.

We discussed a little bit about what we thought of the book of whatever we had read. And that is where, even the non-reading of the material was described with some subtext. They weren't all bald, bland, and blatant 'No's'. There were some of those. But there were also some who catalogued their perusals carefully. Some connected what they had read with whatever else they had read at another time - like daisychaining a set of ideas. Then there were the recommendations. That is always the most precious part of any conversation about books, isn't it? What does this topic remind you of? If you liked this theme, you may enjoy that. What would you recommend I invest a few hours of my life in? 

Even the attempt of reading a book and then failing at it (my own performance was abysmal) is the least hopeless in a confederacy of (almost) readers. 

Day 62 of 108

Today was a huge rollercoaster ride and I am feeling overwhelmed. I am feeling tired. It just feels as if I have been walking an uphill battle off and on for a long time. It has been a long stretch of the desert and am still in the center of Thar. 

There is pain. No doubt about it. Yet, it feels as if it is sharing the sofa with some well-being. There is pain yes. But... something feels settled a little bit. 

Anyway, here are a few things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Did not get a chance to go meet him today. But no frantic calls. So he is okay.

2. Met a friend for dinner tonight. We went to 70 Beans near Palm Beach Galleria. Oh! It's excellent! We had a Korean pancake, a really yummy au gratin, some potato poppers, and a very tasty Kiwi margarita. Very good service. The best part as usual was my conversation with her. She told me about a concept called 'Decoupled' which is used in trauma therapy. It means isolating the strands of emotion from incident, etc. and being able to identify and see the trauma memory as memory. This was my understanding. I have to read more about it so I could have explained this wrong.

3. She also told me about a couple of concepts: Polyvagal theory and Bodynamics. Both associated with trauma therapy. Should explore both these concepts more.

4. Reached home safe.

5. Took the train to Vashi. Had a couple of difficult experiences. But felt good to be in motion in the rain, despite the crowd and all.

6. Oh. My friend also recommended another book by a Korean-born German philosopher. The book is called 'The Burnout Society'. 

7. I got a book called Hikikomori by a Japanese psychologist who came up with this concept to explain a certain phenomenon he observed in Japan...people in their twenties or older who lock themselves in a room and just decide to exile from life. They don't even talk to their parents. Their parents leave them food outside their bedroom door and later collect the empty dishes. That is the extent of contact. And this apparently goes on for years or some extended period of time.

All the pictures from today:

Day 61 of 108

My head is hurting badly. So I will make this quick 

1. Papa is well.

2. Went to the Library Bar at Carter Road with my neighbour. We had a really nice pasta and coffee.

3. Later went to Bandstand with a friend. We returned and I ordered some stuff from Al-Baik. Had heard a lot about it. 

4. Really tried to treat myself gentle.

5. Got through one day with so.much.uncertainty.

Day 60 of 108

 An unending day ended. Or actually not yet. I need to dump a few things and get things sorted. 

Maybe have some hot, sweet tea. But the pleasure will be to see it brewing. 

Anyway, here are a few things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Went for a nice morning walk.

3. Looked good in my navy blue dress today.

4. Made some headway at work.

5. Feeling very emotional today. First day of periods.

Day 59 of 108

Had a tiring day. It is exhausting.  Treated myself to some tasty apple juice. It is exhausting - the depth of work. I think a little by little, things will settle in. I have ordered a lovely cup of tea. It is fragrant. The hotel mentioned that they stock the best kind of saffron from around the world. So I am having the best kind of chai now. After I type up this post, I will take my tea and go to the settee, sit down, and sip the tea. They have started up the fountain today. There's some music in the background. Someone mentioned that it was saarangi. I heard the word 'saarangi' after so long.

I saw a beautiful, beautiful sunrise above the meadows. And then an hour later, a deep, gorgeous thunderstorm!

Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Made some headway in what I had set out to do.

3. There was some sticky stuff that I wanted to tackle - which I did.

4. Had a good conversation with someone.

5. Am safe.

Day 58 of 108

I am sitting by the window of my hotel suite. They gave me a plush, red one today. I had to move from the aubergine boudoir yesterday. It snowed a little today. A sweet little bird...a partridge maybe? dusted off the snow from its feathers.

I have shut down my laptop and am looking out at this place. Of all the things I would never have imagined...being in Keylong is one of them. A strange, sudden trip.

But next week, we head to the plains.

As they say, Delhi is not far. 

Day 57 of 108

 A day of quiet accomplishments today. Here are a few things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. The sunshine looked beautiful!

3. Had some really tasty meals today.

4. There's a certain beautific joy that fills me up when I finish something tough. And I had that feeling today. 

5. Got to read some interesting things online.