Day 78 of 108

I deserve a medal for how much resistance I have pushed through today. It was a reasonably slow day workwise. I started reading Shy by Max Porter. Am finding it a tad hard to follow. But will continue.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I was upset with him because he went out without finishing his protein shake and taking his meds. But thankfully he came back at night and is now fed and fine.

2. Cook and help - both came today. I really can't take this for granted. So so grateful for being able to afford help.

3. Completed a draft of a storyboard. There is some sense of accomplishment.

4. Had electricity and running water.

5. Enjoyed the dosa etc. in the morning. I overate today. Lots. Stress eating. It's okay. Goes to show I have food. And really grateful for that. 

Day 77 of 108

Today, so many unexpected things happened. But thus far have managed to keep the Shivratri fast. Thank you Shivji! Grateful. Of course, nearly 8 more hours to go. But let's see. I have made it thus far.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Had a really nice chat with him this evening.

2. Our car lift stopped working so we couldn't take the car out. The driver I had called waited around for a couple of hours and left. I had to pay him still. So that was money spent for nothing. But at least we were not in the lift when that happened. So really grateful for that. 

3. I had to let go of a play I had booked tickets for nearly 2 months ago. And they were expensive tickets too. But couldn't leave Papa. I am just grateful that I was able to put this down to God's will instead of dwelling.

4. Really enjoyed Helene Turnsten's book, "An Elderly Lady is up to no good'. There is equal amounts of peace and drama here. 

5. Went to the close by temple with Papa. That was special...this making of new memories. 

6. Caught up with a friend and we hung out at Bandstand. Little pockets of peace and friendship should be collected. 

Day 76 of 108

I was exhausted beyond belief. Slept off. It was a mixed bag today. Slept a lot. But here go a bunch of things:

1. Papa is well. Got angry and upset but we sorted ourselves out a little. Papa is always vety calm but I sorted myself out a little.

2. Papa and I went to Kitchen Garden by Suzette in Juhu. It is not as good as the one in Bandra. The service was chaotic. The microwave was not working. But we had a good late breakfast and it was good. The vegan carrot cake was especially excellent! Even though they could not warm it up.

3. Papa and I had a good conversation in the evening. These are the things that nourish me at times.

4. I got a driver for a day. So after ages I went to Palladium and bought a lot of stuff from Muji and a couple of things from Uniqlo.

5. Really grateful that I had money to indulge myself a little bit now. 

6. Went to Prithvi theatre and bought some books from their bookstore. I love that bookstore so much!

Day 75 of 108

 Today again was a tough day and extremely emotionally charged. I am just not getting time to unwind. There is so much energy in me and I have not worked out in ages. My regular to-do list has 65 items. And that is not even before I get to work. No...it must be said...I am stretched thin. But let's see...I am being forged by things. 

I had enrolled in some chakra class that I could not attend regularly because of calls and stuff. But I need to listen to recordings and make notes. 

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Today was a day of difficult conversations between us. But I don't feel too badly about it. It's time for a churn. And these kinds of times are never easy.

2. A book that I had ordered got delivered today.

3. Managed to keep almost keep a fast.

4. Had a chat with a friend. Haven't heard from him in ages.

5. Got through the day. Am done.

Day 74 of 108

 Very very tired today. But to keep things unbroken, I will write my gratitude list today. Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Went to meet a colleague today. It was good fun!

3. Had an important call today.

4. Went for dinner to Alfredo's. It was nice.

5. Had a good chat with Papa.

6. Went for a walk on the beach.

Day 73 of 108

It was a very frustrating day. But if I keep my frustration aside for a little bit, I find it amazing how much of life's patterns repeat themselves. Same triggers. Same pain. Same reaction. The situation does not change. In fact, it will keep repeating again and again. They say awareness breaks the links. I have not displayed this level of awareness. But maybe in time, I will. 

Here are a few things that I am grateful for today:

1. Papa is well. I brought him 'The Week' today and he was reading it so happily.

2. Had a really good chat with a friend.

3. Managed to make it for a client call today despite interruptions. 

4. Completed the last of a batch of documents. It was exhausting - just getting each one out. But I became aware of just how resistant I was. Awareness is difficult. It is tough. 

5. Managed to go to the church. Happened to encounter a sweet, grateful homeless person. How did he get to where he is? I often wonder about the homeless. What all has their nervous system gone through? I have a home. An address. If I stew in my shit, there is some space. What if that wasn't there? What would eye contact with me look like? It gave me a lot to think about. 

6. Enjoyed the bhel.

7. Water problem continues in Bandra. But building made some arrangement and we got water. 

Day 72 of 108

I have lived with the worst headache today. It was crazy. Head feels heavy and I feel nauseous and bloated! But...still managed to finish up one part of work and attended a call, etc. So, we did what we did. Done.

There was a water problem today and it was horrible. The panic and the sudden breakdown of my spirit. But no matter. We got through. 

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He and I got into a typical spurious altercation in the morning. But he is always so sweet and calm! But later tonight, we had a really lovely conversation.

2. Have not been getting time to work out. So grateful for the short walk to buy vegetables.

3. Managed to get through a call today.

4. Got through work today. It is feeling so hard nowadays.

5. Quite enjoyed the dosa today. 

Such is life. 

Day 71 of 108

Lord! The amount of work! Today I could feel it in my bones...the notion that I am an old soul! Goodness! The weariness, the jadedness... actually it is not grief. I think it is just fatigue. I could not carry some burden anymore so I bowed out of something. I feel a tad bad but there is a larger hefty elephant-proportioned task to take on. 

Here are a few things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He has eaten and is asleep now after taking his medicines. So cute he looks when he is resting.

2. Today a familiar trigger happened and I gave in to it. But after it had blown over, I realized that it is painful. But making eye contact with the pain actually brings peace.

3. Finally made some overnight oats today. Papa and I will try them tomorrow but I am just glad that I got the dates to make them.

4. Ordered for some things from Goila Butter Chicken today. Papa liked the dahi ke kabab. I did not. But so grateful for this. 

5. I got through the day. I am soothed.

Day 70 of 108

 I am really, really overwhelmed. I have no idea what is happening but some steadiness and some stability has to come my way soon. But I have to commend myself on just how much I am taking these last few days. It's amazing how much volatility a heart can cope with...must cope with. 

Here are a few things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He is with me now, a little reluctant to be in Bandra. But I am relieved.

2. Cook had made really tasty chhole.

3. Had a good chat with Papa. 

4. Have a comfortable home for my family.

5. There is water, electricity, food, and enough for a few treats. That really is sufficient for making a world. 

6. Bought roses today. Love them! 

Day 69 of 108

 I am at Vashi tonight and I am staying over. Some major shifts are afoot - and I don't mean physically. Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I cannot explain just how much relief and joy this bit fills me with. 

2. Got some money credited today and paid off the maintenance for the house. 

3. Ate a ton of rice. It makes me feel so good. This was a masala vegetable pulao with some yummy mango chutney.

4. Had a good rick ride to Vashi. Reached quick.

5. Had a tough discussion with the staff but sorted that out.

6. A friend is in Goa. I just felt so happy with the notion that someone is enjoying themselves there. 

Life is sweet. With the knot of anxiety and the strange grief that pervades off and on...life is sweet.

Day 68 of 108

Survived a day and survived a night. Survived a week.

I checked up on a friend today. I thought she was trying to convince herself of a whole lot of things. And I found myself making some tall claims too. Well, it is always good when you notice the prickly part in yourself.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Finished the main parts of my work today.

3. I enrolled in a short workshop.

4. Really wrestled with deep resistance. I don't think I won over it for good. But today, could overcome it.

5. Was really tempted to say something sharp against someone. But I did not.