Day 55 of 108

It was an interesting and educational day. I took an hour out to just lie on the bed, breathe, and notice my nervous system. It was/ is taut and tired. But the act of actually noticing every beat of the nervous system was like watching a constellation form in the skies. This method of becoming the observer is quite fascinating. At different points in my life, this particular activity has been easy or difficult. I would like to invest in this practice more diligently. At least that is the intention.

Anyway, here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Spoke to him today. He was sounding strong and happy.

2. I did not feel like working out today because I was in pain. But I did. 

3. Controlled my urge to order samosas.

4. Cook had made a tasty quinoa khichdi today.

5. Have enough resources to get by. 

Day 54 of 108

Today my blog crossed 1 million hits. I have written the blog for a long, long time. I have abandoned it several times, then resumed, then changed its focus, then just kept it around like an abandoned and dusty park bench, sometimes cleaned it up for a nice respite in the shade. Am I happy? I don't know. I was but I just had a difficult interaction with someone and had to get out of a car and get a cab home. So there was anger there. A lot of anger there. But I am immensely glad that I could do it. That I could keep a blog going for this long even though a lot of people said a lot of things. Or when a lot of people ignored it the way people ignore things that aren't lucrative. I have procrastinated so, so, so much in life...that THIS steadiness feels like the invincible summer in me that Camus wrote about. 

Well, I want to think about this and write more in detail. But back to regular programming. Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I didn't talk to him. But no frantic calls from home. So all good.

2. Tried out Cafe Nur in Horniman circle. The gud sherbet with sabza was very tasty. I had the paneer tikka and my friend had the biryani. 

3. Am safe. For a little while when I stomped off the car and walked away in Mahim around 11:30, I was a little scared. But then stood somewhere and got a cab. Big relief. 

4. I wrote about a book I read. Felt really good about that. 

5. Had money to treat myself and live independently and take care of my father. I can't emphasize just how deeply important that is to me. 

6. Visited Hasanabad Dargah in Mazgaon with my friend. Beautiful soothing place. 

First Impressions: No one belongs here more than you by Miranda July

This book costs the same amount as a plate of scrambled tofu and cortado at Boojee cafe. The experience was also pretty similar. Tepid, slightly wannabe, a little infuriating with so many different things trying to play together – and then just as you’ve wearily accepted that this is as good as it gets and your money may have been better spent elsewhere – it happens. A perfect forkful of creamy tofu, sauteed microgreens, some candied walnuts, and a sliver of the toast.

It’s like that with July’s work as well.

Of the 16 short stories, so many I found were clumsily stuffed with pointless sexual descriptions, clumsy surrealism, and exasperatingly clueless characters. And then – a story comes by that is a wholesome emotional postcard of a woman clinging to loneliness, not dealing with it. Or a twist in a plot that makes it clear how brutal friends and friendships can be. Or even this - a turn of phrase like ‘Inelegantly, and without my consent, time passed.’ or ‘Some people need a red carpet rolled out in front of them in order to walk forward into friendship. They can't see the tiny outstretched hands all around them, everywhere, like leaves on trees.” Or my favorite: ‘“I laughed and said, Life is easy. What I meant was, Life is easy with you here, and when you leave, it will be hard again.”

That’s when this compendium of tedium sparkles. The way kindness does.

The stories themselves are whimsical.

One of them features a woman who teaches swimming on her kitchen floor. Another has an ordinary woman with a fixation on Prince William. The first one has a woman sharing her patio with her neighbors. One day her neighbor has an epileptic fit but she dozes off in the middle of that. The last story (How to Tell Stories to Children) is my favorite. It is about a woman who unwittingly becomes a kind of a godmother to her ex-boyfriend’s child. Then the child grows up and, in the way, grown-up kids do, crushes her heart. It is tender and reminded me of a line in the show ‘Wonder Years’: “We don’t blame ourselves for getting older. We forgive ourselves for growing up.”

Only with the last story does Miranda July become a flesh and blood person for me – only someone deeply flawed can feel deeply as well.

Otherwise, it’s just not possible.

 

 

Day 53 of 108

I am very angry today regarding a few things. People's biases really show through in their language. 

I seem to have planters fasciatis (however you spell it).Mu heel is really paining and I can sense something strange happening in and to my body. I think I need to work and make peace with my body. The pain is a result of a lot of hard emotions that thus far have been unprocessed. 

Anyway that investigation itself will be good. But here are a few things we can grateful for...pain in body notwithstanding. 

1. Papa is well. I daresay he is better than I am. His general demeanor towards life has really helped him. (He was looking so cute today.)

2. Papa and I went to NMAC for a wedding reception. 

3. I walked a fair bit in really tight shoes. My feet have welts. I think real success is a barefoot life where you just walk on soft sand, cool grass, or lush velvet carpets. Anyway, as a follower of Marcus Aurelius, I do think that even this pain and the surviving of it are things I must be grateful for. 

4. I wore a white strappy dress with a shiny white top. I quite liked it. 

5. Can walk. 

6. Papa's caretaker had made really tasty curd rice. 

Day 52 of 108

 I am typing this out from the Starbucks in Juhu. I wanted to get to Versova but couldn't get a rick. So I walked from my house to SV Road wearing a pretty white dress and an old polyester cape from Zara. It looked pretty cool when I stepped out but it became sweltering pretty quickly. I walked right up to Khar and then took a rick to Juhu beach because that's the point to which the guy was coming. Then walked to the Starbucks on Juhu Tara Road. Which is cool, lovely and the oasis I needed to regain my sanity in white.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Enjoyed my morning coffee at the Farmer's Deli. (Pic. Courtesy of a free Friday morning by my fitness coach, Satish Lodh.  https://www.instagram.com/coach_satishlodh?igsh=MXcwN3NnOXc2eHEydg==)

3. Worked out. It was painful today but soldiered through it.

4. Quite enjoyed my Valenciaga orange drink.

5. Feeling a little emotional and the mood swings are coming in full swing. But that too is something to be grateful for...a sign of life and living. 

Day 51 of 108

 I had two meaningful conversations today. One ritual that I have started needs to be completed now. Phone is going out of charge. So will get to my list soon:

1. Papa is well.

2. Have a safe, sweet, peaceful home.

3. Saw the kite again today.

4. Had a bad dream. Listing it as something to be grateful for because the attempt is to go beyond labelling.

5. Worked out. 

Day 50 of 108

 I saw a beautiful kite sitting at the railing when I returned from the gym. Gosh! What a magical sight! I was reading up on the symbolism of sighting a kite. It apparently heralds protection and divine intervention and assistance. That is nice.

Here are all the things I am grateful for today:

1. Papa is well.

2. I had a good workout today. 

3. Decided to take a quick trip to Oberoi Mall today. I was supposed to meet a friend there, but then my phone went out of charge and I couldn't get in touch with him. We missed each other. No harm. I am just thankful for it because it is a good reminder that fate makes its way even through strange plans.

4. I ordered masala pav. That was tasty.

5. Completed a chore. 

Day 49 of 108

Not too much has happened today. I need to go for a shower but am dilly-dallying. Brain is feeling quite scattered. But there is one thing that I need to write before bed. I hope I get to that. 

I saw Devil Wears Prada 2 today. I liked it. Wasn't exceptional. But good. I think when you see Meryl Streep along with Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt, you realise just how good she is. The other two were okay. I preferred Blunt to Hathaway but they both seem to quite one note. But Streep has...depth. There's a part in here where she makes an observation about the Last Supper, and in another sequence, you see her observing something about Lucy Liu...and you know just how sublime her understanding of human nature is. You hark back to the speech on the Cerulean blue sweater in Part 1. 

Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I had deep painful discussion with him. But par for the course. He is well.

2. Worked out today. 

3. Had the resources to take in a movie at PVR Lido (my fave place) and also have popcorn and black coffee. 

4. Cook returned today. 

5. Have a home and am safe.

Day 48 of 108

 Life is just an endless parade of sunrises and setting moons. Anyway I really want to get done with this post. I didn't want to blog today. Really angry about something but I did take one step towards a goal. It's a small step. But that's all I am capable of today. 

Here are the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. I have a house. I can't say how much longer I will have this. In the novel I am reading now, the protagonist had to leave her house in the middle of the night because of some strange events. If something like this happens, I wonder where I would go. For a long time now, I have wondered what I would do if I were homeless. My father's side of the family had antecedents in Bangladesh and many of them had to leave behind a lot of stuff or their properties were taken over due to war and riots. I wonder if generational trauma, like a recessive gene, starts acting up at some point. I had to leave Delhi and Noida suddenly because of certain domestic issues too. So there is definitely something about 'refugee' trauma that I am carrying. But it's okay. As the stoics said...The obstacle is the way. This is perhaps going to lead me to some answers. 

3. Worked out today. Also went for a walk.

4. Really enjoyed a new packet of Korean instant ramens. I added a heap of soya to it too.

5. Really enjoying my book. 

Day 47 of 108

 Well, we got through the day. I missed a lot of things and stuff did not go as per plan. But I am allowing myself to be a tad lazy and all over the place. Expenses have been a touch too much but I have the resources at the moment. I really liked the outfit I wore today...a red and blue checked dhoti pants and a Kermit frog-green linen shirt with scalloped edges. Yay! 

I thought I would treat myself to a coffee and sandwich at Love and Latte in Versova. It is really not worth the money. I think I will stick to Barista on Yari Road now. But I love Versova! So bright and cheery and buzzing!

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I had a stern conversation with him. He is well. As usual he told me that I am over-reacting to things. But I held my ground. I recognise that at this moment I have a dysregulated nervous system and I seem to process certain situations as dangerous whereas it may not be the case. But if I have to change it, I have to acknowledge it. And I am grateful that I had the clarity and the spine to do that today. And I could do that because Papa is healthy. 

2. Rearranged my cupboard today and identified a few things to give off to my cleaning lady's daughter in law.

3. Got ricks to and from Versova.

4. Got into a wrong bus and went to the station. I thought it was the bus for Versova. The bus ride was so happy and nice. I am glad that I was not traveling with anyone. No guilt about making mistakes.

5. Cook made tasty khichdi. 

6. Enjoyed the book club discussion. 

7. Someone from the club sent me some music to listen to after I asked for recommendations. The ready generosity of people when you least expect it makes life a touch sweeter.

8. Pink flowers. I bought pink and light peach carnations. Love them! 

9. Enjoyed the cup of fresh mangoes with vanilla ice-cream at Sancha's. 

Day 46 of 108

I am really losing it now. Why are people so dismissive and unwilling to take any accountability for their actions? It is very easy to go carping on people who lose their temper. But the fact remains that nothing gets done until you blow your lid and sometimes not even then. I wish I could curse people into oblivion. 

So much dishonesty. I don't want to continue with this stupid blog. There is nothing to be grateful for. Got a call from a friend who just has to give a lot of advice. It is infuriating. 

There is no God. It's all a dumb hoax. 

But okay...I am still stubborn about not breaking this yet. So here are all the things I am grateful for today:

1. Papa is well. I am very very angry with him. But he is unaffected by it all and he is well. 

2. I went for a horror play called Ankahi. It is an adaptation of a story, "Woman in Black". I quite liked it. Had gone with a friend and he didn't like it so much. I hate going with people who don't share my interests. And he was exhaling loudly and all that to indicate his boredom. I am grateful that I didn't strangle him.

3. Had pani puri. Only joy in my life. 

4. Cook is on leave so the cleaning lady made some really yummy soya fry and khichdi.

5. Managed a short workout.