Day 31 of 108

I think the dhobi has run off with my clothes. 25 pieces of clothing and he is gone. Strangely, I still have more than enough clothes. There are a few sarees in their Amazon packets as well and I can't find the bodycon dress that I bought. Now that I am working out, I would look good in it too. I wonder if it is symbolic for the message that so many things that get accumulated over time are really not required. You get used to them. 

A close friend had called me for her anniversary party. I didn't go. I just told her that I won't be able to make it. I didn't even give a reason. The weird thing is that I don't even feel bad. It would have been nice to see the kids but I feel when one is feeling this tired and done with humanity, one should not contaminate a child's space. Or maybe I am just done with the equation. And I don't have the energy in me to carry this on.

Anyway, the earth continues to spin for both of us. I mean, it doesn't spin FOR us...but it's spinning, we are living...and that's all there is to it. 

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Spoke to him today. He was asleep when I called. He picked up and sounded groggy. A long time ago he had sounded this way when he was wounded. So my heart lurched. But thankfully he is well. 

2. I am grateful for this dhobhi experience because it is uncomfortable. I realise that I see this story playing on in my head over and over again. And this breaking of the loop is what I must work on. Based on a few things that I have read on trauma, the mind naturally holds on to thoughts of danger etc. because the nervous system has learned to cope that way. But it is important to disengage and disconnect.

3. Made it to the gym and did a little workout. Not as much as I need to. But it's okay. We made it.

4. A helpful reader of the blog reached out to me last night with a message. They were worried based on my last entry. (Nothing to worry about.) But I was touched by the tender humanity of strangers...of people.

5. I cooked a little today...plain ramen noodles from Urban Platter - just boiled in salt water and tossed in some ghee. Then I mixed in some tofu scramble made yesterday. That was yummy. I felt like a very self-sufficienct domestic person

..like a heroine of a novella who moves to an idyllic town and builds a life for herself.

6. Wrote about Foster. Writing is what I love. And whenever I do it, I feel it loves me too. 

First Impressions: Foster by Claire Keagan

This is my favorite couplet/ verse/ message from the Tao Te Ching - Even if a house has four walls, you live within the empty space. That even if a pot has beautiful curvature or is made of either humble materials or premium enamel, the water is stored in the empty space. The emptiness is what contains. In a way, the emptiness is the point. (I am rewording this. There are more elegant explanations elsewhere.)

Foster is the story of love that spreads and spools in exactly such a place. 

We follow the story of a young girl who is unnamed in the novel. I find that detail to be enormous because she goes through such momentous internal shifts that it makes the first marker of identity, like a name, feel like a footnote.

The young girl is left at her aunt's place for a bit because her own parents are not well off financially, and they are expecting their third or fourth child. The new foster parents, Kinsellas, are grappling with their own sorrow. They lost their young sun to drowning in a nearby lake. 

With this girl, they are warm, welcoming, sometimes a little stern, and always fully loving. There's a part in the book where this girl has returned from church with a nosy neighbor who tells her about the Kinsella's dead child. Our protagonist does not know of it until then. Then later, after she is told of this, the child connects the dots - a strange look when she dresses up in boy's clothes that she finds in the cupboard, the bedroom decorated with cute wallpaper even though there's no child around, etc. 

That evening, the father takes this girl atop a hill, near the lake. And as they are standing there, looking around at a world going silent, he puts his arms around her and brings her in his fold. She belongs now.

The story doesn't end here. But this moment, the writing of this moment - is so sad, complete, fulfilling, and wholesome that you don't mind if the book ended here. Anything after this is a beautiful continuum. (And it does have a slightly open end.) When the foster parents drop her off at her real parents and are about to drive off, she runs out and hugs this man and calls him "Daddy". We don't know if the foster parents adopted her or anything. But we know that a child finally understood what it means to be loved by a family - in a way she understands.

There are many ways the book breaks your heart. It's like the way a child breaks your heart. The unflinching gaze at the truth. You are weak, you are flawed, you try to put up something so that the child will not know - but the child knows. More than knows, understands. More than understands, accepts. And more than accepts, becomes.

The unbecoming is the triumph we see in Foster.

Day 30 of 108

 I am so fed up...of people, of life, of rigmarole of living. I just.want.out.

I want to really go to the mountains. Or a smooth space. I am in pain. No two ways about it. I don't know what is causing it though.

It is really really rough. Anyway here are a few things I am grateful for...and let tge records show that I actually wrestled with myself today to think of things to be grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I spoke to him and then later he messaged me too.

2. Got through the day.

3. A friend came over at night.

4. Tofu bhurji and sprouts chilla was good.

5. Managed going to the gym. 

Day 29 of 108

 Things are crumply. I went for a 1 hour walk and I got exhausted. Would have been nice to do some weights but no. Didn't happen. Once my job is done, I will focus on strength training. 

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Spoke to him twice today. 

2. Got through the day.

3. At least went for a walk. 1 hour.

4. Am safe.

5. Cleaning lady came today.

6. Ate konjac rice with smoked tofu. Made it myself. Really nice.

Day 28 of 108

 Today was a hard day. Really low on energy. I don't know why I got so tired and just really listless. I woke up to a slight cramp. And I had my period. Just like that teara roll down my eyes. Honestly it was soothing and surreal to just watch myself. So much of emotions is just biology. The heart is not as involved as I might have thought. Hmm. You live and learn.

Here are a few things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Did not speak with him tonight and he didn't pick up the phone now. But mausi said he is sleeping. 

2. I got through the day. Really that can be the best thing to do said about it. It occurs to me that I wake up with so much confidence that I will live through the day. Even if I am sad and desolate, I still know that I will not die today. And I did not. I mean we still have 30 minutes before the day is over. But I still know that I will make it. Let's see about this tomorrow. 

3. Managed a workout today.

4. Am safe.

5. Had water and electricity. 

Tidied up - Microfiction

Bijoy Das looked at that little booklet in the drawer. He had heard it referred to as a "passbook" before. He had assumed it was some kind of a report card. On closer perusal, he noticed that it had something to do with banking. When he flipped through it, he noticed a steady stream of transactions that painted the story of bankruptcy of the table's owner...all teak and enamel and gold-leafed detailings, until the withdrawals couldn't sustain. But the last page of the "passbook" had a torn, weathered photo...of a child playing by a well. The table's owner had skirted with bankruptcy many times. But when he lost his child is when he really went broke. Bijoy usually scouted around for good deals. But it didn't seem right to bargain with a father looking to score some cash for his only child's funeral. 

#micro fiction #story

Day 27 of 108

 I am so surprised and happy thar I got through the day. There is some procession going on the road now and it is so loud.  The emptier we have become as people, the louder we have become as people. I made myself some coffee and am having it now. Knees are feeling slightly better today. Managed to work out and also go out for a short walk up Pali Hill. 

Here are a few things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He was sounding happy. 

2. Cook had made some tasty soya, veggies, and silken tofu mixed vegetables.

3. Had really yummy tofu bhurji sandwich.

4. Spent a full hour at the gym.

5. Am safe. 

Day 26 of 108

 My holiday is coming to an end and tomorrow I have to resume work. If I am completely honest, I am not looking forward to it. At all. But it's just a few more days and then I will be done. Maybe 2-3 days more. On my last day, I will treat myself to a very very nice dinner.  Even if it's a mighty fancy place, I don't care. Food should be very tasty but. 

Anyway heart is loaded with a lot of feelings now. I just want a bunch of things to get removed from my mindspace, my emotional landscape, my heart, my life right now. But they won't. So we will go this way one way or another into tomorrow as well. 

Here are a few things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I did not speak with him today but no bad calls. So he is okay.

2. Boiled methi seeds with water today.

3. Went for an event to Mathuradas Mills. It was not a great experience. It was okay. Strictly okay 

4. Got a kaali-peeli cab to Bandra back from the mills. That's always precious. 

5. Had a tasty breakfast. 

Day 25 of 108

 Friend came over and we spent the whole day together. We went for a movie, Dhurandhar 2. It is quite violent but I liked the film. Found Arjun Rampal remarkably good! My friend did not like it as much. 

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. There was enough resources for a few interesting treats. 

3. Got a chance to go to PVR Lido again. I love that spot.

4. Cook came today. 

5. Went to the gym today. 

Day 24 of 108

 I have decided that the way today progressed is how I would want the rest of my life to progress. There was a call from a friend, a surprising visit, a lovely meal, a visit with Papa, money in the bank - enough to get by, lots of books, a clean and safe home, and a happy, safe city. 

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He did look a little tired today but was quite vociferous in his speech.

2. I had an outstanding dinner in Vashi today. The kolam rice was cooked so well that it tasted a little like jasmine rice.

3. Quite enjoyed my protein drink today. 

4. Had a safe auto ride back home.

5. Friend came over. 

Day 23 of 108

Today brought with it its own set of strange happenings. My ear and throat is paining. I went for a late night drive along the Coastal Road with a friend. Gosh! That was a strange little emergence and I am so glad it happened! 

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. I am well. There is pain in the body. But I am well.

2. I took a care package for one of my neighbours who was unwell. I had wanted to go a week ago when I found out that she had been discharged due to malaria. But I couldn't go. Today I went though. She seemed pleased. I am glad that I could do this.

3. Really enjoyed this film, "The Drama". Robert Pattisson is a really good actor and he pairs very well with Zendaya. I took some time to warm up to her but the final scene? She was excellent!

4. Am safe. My friend was driving too fast but am grateful.

5. Walked from PVR Lido to my house.