Day 75 of 108

 Today again was a tough day and extremely emotionally charged. I am just not getting time to unwind. There is so much energy in me and I have not worked out in ages. My regular to-do list has 65 items. And that is not even before I get to work. No...it must be said...I am stretched thin. But let's see...I am being forged by things. 

I had enrolled in some chakra class that I could not attend regularly because of calls and stuff. But I need to listen to recordings and make notes. 

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Today was a day of difficult conversations between us. But I don't feel too badly about it. It's time for a churn. And these kinds of times are never easy.

2. A book that I had ordered got delivered today.

3. Managed to keep almost keep a fast.

4. Had a chat with a friend. Haven't heard from him in ages.

5. Got through the day. Am done.

Day 74 of 108

 Very very tired today. But to keep things unbroken, I will write my gratitude list today. Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Went to meet a colleague today. It was good fun!

3. Had an important call today.

4. Went for dinner to Alfredo's. It was nice.

5. Had a good chat with Papa.

6. Went for a walk on the beach.

Day 73 of 108

It was a very frustrating day. But if I keep my frustration aside for a little bit, I find it amazing how much of life's patterns repeat themselves. Same triggers. Same pain. Same reaction. The situation does not change. In fact, it will keep repeating again and again. They say awareness breaks the links. I have not displayed this level of awareness. But maybe in time, I will. 

Here are a few things that I am grateful for today:

1. Papa is well. I brought him 'The Week' today and he was reading it so happily.

2. Had a really good chat with a friend.

3. Managed to make it for a client call today despite interruptions. 

4. Completed the last of a batch of documents. It was exhausting - just getting each one out. But I became aware of just how resistant I was. Awareness is difficult. It is tough. 

5. Managed to go to the church. Happened to encounter a sweet, grateful homeless person. How did he get to where he is? I often wonder about the homeless. What all has their nervous system gone through? I have a home. An address. If I stew in my shit, there is some space. What if that wasn't there? What would eye contact with me look like? It gave me a lot to think about. 

6. Enjoyed the bhel.

7. Water problem continues in Bandra. But building made some arrangement and we got water. 

Day 72 of 108

I have lived with the worst headache today. It was crazy. Head feels heavy and I feel nauseous and bloated! But...still managed to finish up one part of work and attended a call, etc. So, we did what we did. Done.

There was a water problem today and it was horrible. The panic and the sudden breakdown of my spirit. But no matter. We got through. 

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He and I got into a typical spurious altercation in the morning. But he is always so sweet and calm! But later tonight, we had a really lovely conversation.

2. Have not been getting time to work out. So grateful for the short walk to buy vegetables.

3. Managed to get through a call today.

4. Got through work today. It is feeling so hard nowadays.

5. Quite enjoyed the dosa today. 

Such is life. 

Day 71 of 108

Lord! The amount of work! Today I could feel it in my bones...the notion that I am an old soul! Goodness! The weariness, the jadedness... actually it is not grief. I think it is just fatigue. I could not carry some burden anymore so I bowed out of something. I feel a tad bad but there is a larger hefty elephant-proportioned task to take on. 

Here are a few things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He has eaten and is asleep now after taking his medicines. So cute he looks when he is resting.

2. Today a familiar trigger happened and I gave in to it. But after it had blown over, I realized that it is painful. But making eye contact with the pain actually brings peace.

3. Finally made some overnight oats today. Papa and I will try them tomorrow but I am just glad that I got the dates to make them.

4. Ordered for some things from Goila Butter Chicken today. Papa liked the dahi ke kabab. I did not. But so grateful for this. 

5. I got through the day. I am soothed.

Day 70 of 108

 I am really, really overwhelmed. I have no idea what is happening but some steadiness and some stability has to come my way soon. But I have to commend myself on just how much I am taking these last few days. It's amazing how much volatility a heart can cope with...must cope with. 

Here are a few things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He is with me now, a little reluctant to be in Bandra. But I am relieved.

2. Cook had made really tasty chhole.

3. Had a good chat with Papa. 

4. Have a comfortable home for my family.

5. There is water, electricity, food, and enough for a few treats. That really is sufficient for making a world. 

6. Bought roses today. Love them! 

Day 69 of 108

 I am at Vashi tonight and I am staying over. Some major shifts are afoot - and I don't mean physically. Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I cannot explain just how much relief and joy this bit fills me with. 

2. Got some money credited today and paid off the maintenance for the house. 

3. Ate a ton of rice. It makes me feel so good. This was a masala vegetable pulao with some yummy mango chutney.

4. Had a good rick ride to Vashi. Reached quick.

5. Had a tough discussion with the staff but sorted that out.

6. A friend is in Goa. I just felt so happy with the notion that someone is enjoying themselves there. 

Life is sweet. With the knot of anxiety and the strange grief that pervades off and on...life is sweet.

Day 68 of 108

Survived a day and survived a night. Survived a week.

I checked up on a friend today. I thought she was trying to convince herself of a whole lot of things. And I found myself making some tall claims too. Well, it is always good when you notice the prickly part in yourself.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Finished the main parts of my work today.

3. I enrolled in a short workshop.

4. Really wrestled with deep resistance. I don't think I won over it for good. But today, could overcome it.

5. Was really tempted to say something sharp against someone. But I did not.

Day 67 of 108

I am so tired and so exhilarated that I could cry. And I probably will. But the day endes so quickly after dragging on forever. I am exhausted. 

Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. One of my past dues got cleared today. So that is good. And a huge relief. 

3. Sudden plans happened and I went for a walk after work with a friend. He walks really briskly. So that was good. It felt good.

4. Had a good chat with a friend. Another friend from long ago called.

5. I had two small pudding cups from Pakeeza. That was yummy. 

Day 66 of 108

Tough day but survived it. There was a longish stretch of peace in here. But it vanished a little bit. I am so so tired. The exhaustion is crushing. 

Anyway here are a few good things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Today I was really worried about him. I needed him to come but he was busy. I was really worried but later I spoke with him, so felt good. Relieved.

2. The cleaning lady landed up today. So that was really good.

3. A client meeting happened so that was okay.

4. I did something a little interesting today.

5. Managed to get through without a meltdown. That is huge.

Day 65 of 108

Heaving a sigh. I am not having a good day, week, month, year. It is getting very very difficult and I think it will get stickier and tougher as the case may be. I really really miss Mummy. I wish she was here. Here with me. If I walked to the next room, she would be with me. My mummy. Who I would hig tight. I really really want my Mum.

Anyway, grief and boredom aside, here are a few things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Spoke to him today.

2. Went to Mount Mary tonight. Felt a little soothed.

3. Was feeling really low so took myself out for a burger. It was expensive considering payments haven't come in and I still got to do stuff. But...there was some extra for a tiny treat.

4. Cook made good poha today.

5. Prayed a little bit.