Sunday, May 03, 2026

Day 46 of 108

I am really losing it now. Why are people so dismissive and unwilling to take any accountability for their actions? It is very easy to go carping on people who lose their temper. But the fact remains that nothing gets done until you blow your lid and sometimes not even then. I wish I could curse people into oblivion. 

So much dishonesty. I don't want to continue with this stupid blog. There is nothing to be grateful for. Got a call from a friend who just has to give a lot of advice. It is infuriating. 

There is no God. It's all a dumb hoax. 

But okay...I am still stubborn about not breaking this yet. So here are all the things I am grateful for today:

1. Papa is well. I am very very angry with him. But he is unaffected by it all and he is well. 

2. I went for a horror play called Ankahi. It is an adaptation of a story, "Woman in Black". I quite liked it. Had gone with a friend and he didn't like it so much. I hate going with people who don't share my interests. And he was exhaling loudly and all that to indicate his boredom. I am grateful that I didn't strangle him.

3. Had pani puri. Only joy in my life. 

4. Cook is on leave so the cleaning lady made some really yummy soya fry and khichdi.

5. Managed a short workout. 

Saturday, May 02, 2026

Reading Dhurandhar 2

Many years ago, there used to be a very popular club in Bandra, Poison. They used to serve a certain type of cocktail in dark, black flute glasses. Sometimes, they would have fashion shows or an assortment of celebrity mixers. It was more affordable than Olive Bar and Kitchen, another tony restaurant near Union Park. Anyway, sometimes a bunch of us would be invited to these parties because we knew the DJ or the decorator or the caterer’s second-cousin’s parakeet keeper.

And in one of such events, I once saw a trio of men – John Abraham, Milind Soman, and Arjun Rampal. In motion.

It was a sight to behold because they looked like a magazine cover. And while each of these gentlemen was good-looking, Arjun Rampal looked like the male equivalent of the Taj Mahal. There was something about his absolutely perfect symmetrical face and bearing that made him seem a little out of this world. Exactly like the Taj Mahal – all very beautiful to behold, but you can’t imagine a life there.

Around that time, the person who had sneaked us in told me that all 3 of them were now going to stop modelling and get into movies. Or at least two of them were. Who knew what Milind Soman would be up to? I remember Arjun Rampal’s unlined face, tranquil eyes, gazelle-type, delicate smile and thinking, “Him?”

Which is why the impact of Major Iqbal’s character in Dhurandhar was quite a surprise for me. I thought Dhurandhar 1 was too violent, and as a huge Sanjay Dutt fan, I was flummoxed about his absolute disconnect from the rest of the story. He didn’t seem to care too much about Kandahar or India or, for that matter, even Pakistan. But…the swag in Pathani was promised. And delivered.

But in the first part, there is an ultra-gruesome scene of Major Iqbal torturing an Indian spy. As he coldly and methodically executes the pain, he explains how pivotal the speech by Jinnah was. He was a child when he heard Jinnah espouse the military doctrine of “bleeding India with a thousand cuts.” There was something so quietly manic about the rendition of that dialog that made one curious about that man. What needed to happen to someone so drastically that he had to embrace this kind of cruelty without a chink in his armor? Unlike the other Liyari brethren, all swayed and drunk with power, passion, etc., something about him was so stealthy – because nothing seemed to matter to him other than the doctrine of a leader who was long gone.

And that is why, in the second part, I was not really very surprised when he killed his father. But I was quite taken in by the way the build-up to that part of the story. The major’s father, we are told, is a war veteran who tom-toms his conquests during the Bangladesh war. He berates his own son for not being able to sire a son. And all this while being in a wheelchair. Iqbal has a mentally challenged daughter, and you see the tiresome burden of perception he has to carry for wanting a strong nation when his own house is in shambles.

Anyway, there are a number of times we see the Major’s father insulting his son. His son calmly removed his daughter from the situation and then asked an attendant to take his father away. And then, one day, drowning his father in the bathtub because he allowed himself to see his father for who he really was – a coward. And then it adds up…the fixation with Jinnah, the embracing of the doctrine, the insistence on listening to the screams of the kafirs he wants to torture and kill because he has not been able to accept his own helplessness. He couldn’t protect his mother. He couldn’t save his daughter from his father's insults. The country he works for is fragmented beyond measure. There is no purpose in sight.

Which is why in the last confrontation scene, Hamza’s backstabbing seemed to pain him so much. By that time, a man of his stature and position must have seen enough greed and shifting loyalties to not really be surprised by what Hamza has done. In fact, one could argue that he may have even expected it. But I think, from whatever I saw of him in that scene, he lurched when he saw his father in his adversary, or rather that part of the father that he had despised all his life. He didn’t stand a chance against Hamza – not because he was Indian or a supreme warrior. He didn’t stand a chance against a man who had accepted death and distance from his family multiple times.

Peace does make you powerful. And before it does that, it destroys you in so many ways.

Now, I wonder if all this was intended by the director or the writer, or even the actor. Or did I see all that because I am now getting interested in generational and epigenetic trauma? So when something connects with you…what really connects and who does it connect with?

Anyway, Dhurandhar 2 reminded me of that evening long ago when an incredibly beautiful man caused me to ask myself: “Him?”

Yes. Him.

 

Day 45 of 108

I really lost my cool with the caretaker in Vashi. She is so stubborn. The precious pipe-gas was shut down unceremoniously and my father's meal still had to be cooked. I had told her long back about the induction cooker and things like that. But she had disregarded this. And today again she was resisting it. So I got really angry. Then taught her how to use a rice cooker. Which was brought down and cleaned after ages. 

I was really really upset. She has lost some precious cups that my mother had saved. The worst part is that she doesn't even feel bad about it. 

Did not meet my father because he had gone out. I am trying really hard to not let that bother me. I realize that so much of this botheration is a pattern. I have been irked by this a thousand times before and I am irked about this now as well. But I sense, through some flimsy detachment, that I am not really bothered. Being bothered is just a familiar situation. And I can overturn that situation. It is not easy though. 

I went by auto but returned by train. Really had to battle my lethargy to do this. And even walked home from Bandra station. Got some movement in but the real victory was the impulse to just call for an auto. 

I am part of a book club and now it is irritating me a little bit. Can't figure out why. Maybe it's the heat. 

I had a bad and unpleasant dream. In the dream I am looking down from my window onto a street brawl. There is a jeep and two groups of men. One is wearing a yellow t-shirt and specs with black frames. I see that there are cops who have been bribed and are not stopping the brawl. I am not sure how but I think I see a young child...little girl...maybe 8 or 10...she has been wrapped in tape and there is tape across her mouth and she is made to sit as a dummy in the jeep. And people are taking her around in the jeep. I know that those people (cops, yellow t-shirt guy) are involved but it's hard to know the sequence of events. It felt very real.

I can't shake it off.

Anyway here are a few things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Managed to teach the caretaker how to use the rice cookey.

3. The ticket dispensing machine at the station responded to MY touch. This never or very rarely happens! So I didn't have to wait in long queues.

4. Had food.

5. Had Pani Puri at Guru Kripa on SV Road. This was my treat for being good and saving a little money. 







Friday, May 01, 2026

Day 44 of 108

 It was an oatmeal sort of day. Not very productive or anything. And from tomorrow the bills will be coming in. So there will be that to plan. 

Here are a few things I am grateful for today:

1. Papa is well. Did not speak to him today but no frantic calls from home. Unlike last night. So things are okay.

2. I really wanted to go to Versova for coffee today. But I resisted my urge. Quite proud of myself. Actually not proud. Just aware. I am having a frustrating time with the book I am currently reading. I told myself that I will go to the coffee shop and read it. But actually that was a lie. I just wanted to procrastinate because I was not able to accept that I am not able to read quickly, as quickly as before. I accepted that my unwillingness to be okay with the current reality was an issue. So went to the gym and read a few pages on the treadmill. Book is still not done. But happy with the choices I made.

3. Cook had made a tasty jackfruit curry.

4. She made pesaruttu today as well with the batter from ID. Really yummy.

5. Am safe. 

Thursday, April 30, 2026

Day 43 of 108

 It was a hard day today. Roamed around a lot in the sun. Papa was away, and I was not able to contact him for a long time. Cook was upset as well. I was so tired but was getting ready to go to Vashi to go look for him. Took a few minutes to just pray for the strength to tackle the worst in case I should come across such a situation. But thankfully, he called me, and it was all okay.

I feel I should suspend my blog for some time now. Today, maybe the emotional roller-coaster and just the heft of the day were so high - that I want to soothe myself and just give myself a break. 

As predicted yesterday, I lapsed into one of my old habits and did something that I would regret. Actually, I don't regret. It was a deep in-built pattern of me wanting to do something to please somebody, and I did that. I see the pattern now. And from this point on, I will make the effort to break it. It will happen.

Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa reached home and is safe. Thankfully.

2. I went to the gym in the morning and worked out well. A full 40 minutes. 

3. Met a friend and we went to courier my office laptop. It was sweet of him to wait around.

4. Was very very tired. I am counting this as something to be grateful for because it means that I have lived.

5. Posted a cute gif advertising my wares on LinkedIn. Happy with what I have done.

6. Went to Juhu beach.




Wednesday, April 29, 2026

Day 42 of 108

 Today, unsurprisingly, I came across my own sloth and greed. I ate, spent, consumed much more than I should have. I feel myself lapsing into the age-old habits from tomorrow. And I am somewhere feeling a little okay with letting myself slide. I do recognize that it speaks of some spiritual degradation on my part. But it is okay. I was seeking peace and solace from external sources. Part of the journey. I will work on making better decisions later. Not committing to anything now, though.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He called me today and sounded sweet and healthy and happy. 

2. Went out with a friend. I had a nice Nagori chai in Mahim. It was so tasty! Then we went to Jio Drive mall where I treated my friend to walnut bakhlava from Hurrem's. I loved my variant. He was okay with his. (The stuff at Mulmul and Ritu Kumar was so pretty.)

3. We took in a short drive into town. Life is so so uncertain for the two of us that this tiny slip away from Bandra to get to Nariman Point, the end of Bombay, and back feels like that edge in meditation when you skirt around that zone of nothingness. It is brief and surreal and you come back to the real life quickly. But...for the time that you got away...you were stardust and soul. 

4. I made a couple of adverts on LinkedIn. Am quite happy with them. 

5. Did not go to the gym today. Thankful for the lapse because it helps to remind me that I need to be quicker to forgive myself and sharper with routines. 




Tuesday, April 28, 2026

Day 41 of 108

I think I made a few mistakes today. I need to replace the sheets. Maybe I will get to it later. Or wait...will do it now. 

Did it. I am feeling bad today. I saw a really large cockroach in my house. So scary. Sometimes I wish there was someone with me to deal with these kinds of things. But never mind. Mustered courage to kill it and flush it down the toilet. 

It's a good thing I turned vegetarian. I have a cruel streak in me. Maybe there is a more humane way of ridding off roaches. I had tried to get it to leave the house after leaving the door open. But it didn't go. So I killed it. I am feeling bad about it. But I will get over it. And if I have to do it again, I will.

I wonder where my compassion has dried up. Anyway, I hope the cockroach's soul rests in peace. Sorry I could not be braver to be kinder. And sorry that I won't even try.

I wonder what my appeal to married men is. I have no idea what about their own wives and marriages they are so suffocated with that they come after me. It is very irritating. They are the real roaches. Sometimes I know their wives. And I can understand what these men want to get away from. If I were a man, I would do the same. It is the same reason I stopped being in touch with some of my women friends that I had known for decades. They were just draining me with boredom. I was drained, yes. But I have been drained before. I was drained and bored. That can feel suffocating. If you are exhausted with a difficult situation, maybe you look forward to actually resolving it or getting out of it. But some people - just get boring. The tedium of the same problem, same hassle, same tirade against patriarchy, same 'look at me, like me, need me, validate me - I am strong, I am wise, I don't need anyone but look at me so not needing anyone and won't you please applaud me now' anthem - it is very boring. And boredom is a deeply dangerous pathological situation to be in, I find. Maybe if they mixed it up a little. 

I mean, these men are rich. They are reasonably good-looking. They can obviously get other women, younger women. I wonder why they come after me. It certainly isn't because of looks or age. Their wives spend a lot of time and money in salons and several have plastic surgeons on speed dial. So it definitely cannot be appearance. The only reason I feel is that I am self-sufficient only in the sense that I can say no to a holiday if I cannot afford to pay for it myself. That must be the only appeal. Because otherwise, I just don't see it. 

Anyway, this is neither here nor there. There was a time when my scowl and sharp tongue would keep these kind of men away. Now, not so much. They are developing the resilience of the roaches. 

I am having this orange cola from Farmer's Store. It is okay. Cool, sweet - so it suffices. But nothing really excellent.

Anyway, all this writing is actually getting me down. I need to now really focus on the good things that happened today:

1. Papa is well. He called me today, and he sounded happy. He was happy about the quality of the saag the cook had got from the market. So, that was nice. 

2. My cook had made curd rice. That was so awesome!

3. I got the fan fixed in my room. And now, because of soiled sheets, I have to sleep in the other room.

4. I made a little bit of progress regarding my creative endeavour. Not too much. But it is something.

5. Have a house.

6. Oh! I got two bottles of colas from Farmer's Store. I just had the orange cola. I have another Ginger Ale one. So yummy! That is nice! Mood's lifted!


Monday, April 27, 2026

Day 40 of 108

 A nice, peaceful day overall. I got the chance to introspect a little bit about my inner motivations about a few things and saw the stronghold of so much deep conditioning. I also used a few role and context-based prompts in ChatGPT and it was remarkably perceptive in helping me understand a few trauma/ trigger response trajectories. Very good. One must do one's due diligence of course but I have had horrible experiences with human counsellors. I much prefer the LLM variants. 

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I didn't speak to him today. But there was no call from home. So am assuming it is okay. 

2. Met an ex-colleague at Love and Latte, Versova. We had a pretty neat two hours. 

3. Went for a manicure and pedicure at the Vanilla salon in Versova. Oh, I love the salons in Versova. I may be a Bandra chic but I would take the salon service in Versova and Lokhandwala any day. The staff is always sweeter, more attentive. They don't rush you after they have painted your nails. They are cheaper. They are usually bigger. I love Versova for this reason. I got my nails painted in different colours and I love them. Quirky, eclectic and quite in keeping with my mood at the moment. 

4. Had a small incident at home involving the house keys and the cook. It got resolved. 

5. Managed to go to the gym. 

6. Friend picked me up for a drive. We went to Haji Ali and I had their veg grilled cheese sandwich (which I love, love, LOVE) and my friend had the dry fruit and cream. He quite likes that. I am liking our late night drives now. He doesn't like listening to my music. And I get tired of his playlist. But a drive on the Coastal Road and a stop at Haji Ali and coexistence is easy. 




Sunday, April 26, 2026

Day 39 of 108






 Today I wrestled a lot with myself. My stint at work has ended and now, actually, I have a lot of time. I did not sleep too well though. I was feeling stuffy and the fan's regulator is broken or something. So it was hot. I was too tired to reach for the AC remote and in my mind, I had started calculating the million expenses that are now piling up related to the house's upkeep. 

These are all familiar patterns after giving up a contract to work on my own creative endeavor. But today, after I had glutted on reels and sanctimonious podcasts, I ruminated about something strange. That now I am feeling fired up to go and meet friends, roam around, etc. And this is exactly what I need to guard against. As a freelance and independent contributor, I have had two instances where I have felt so much pain, ruin, erosion, and suffocation that I would not wish that on my enemy. I need to give myself at least 3 months to work on my own creative project now. Otherwise I have just paid a very very heavy price for nothing. So, although, I was tempted to go out, chat up with friends, etc. I restrained myself. I also had to go to Vashi today. My plan was to leave early in the morning and travel by train. It costs close to Rs.500 (maybe around Rs.450) one way by auto. And now without income, thousand bucks a week for just a couple of hours in Vashi was feeling like a lot. So I thought I would travel by train. But I dawdled in the morning and then took a rick. In the rick though, I thought of so many of my expenses are because of my procrastination. I am really so heavy with ennui and laziness that it is actually costing me. I mean, I can put a price on it. 

Anyway, at home, in chat with father I arrived at a fresh set of expenses. Then I felt a little bad for depriving myself of coconut water because it is 150 rupees. At that price, it should come with its own sapling. But no matter. I will still give myself 7 to 15 days of planning and unwinding time and work on something juicy for myself. Even if that's the last thing I do before I die. 

After some mental calculations had happened, I realized that it was time now to take the train or bus. If I opted for comfort, I would be getting closer to compromising my goal. It was tempting. But I had given in to it in the morning. So night time was the time for public transport. 

I must say that I had the distinct advantage of traveling on Saturday night, around 8 pm. The ticket counters (or sweetly called 'Ticket Ghar') at Vashi were relatively empty. Trains were empty. I could stretch out my legs in the seat opposite. 

A very sweet, lovely young girl sold such sweet smelling flowers. She had a beautiful, beautiful face and a gorgeous smile. Her brow and forehead looked like the face structure you generally see in Devi paintings. A eunuch smiled and blessed me. 
At Vadala station, I have to change the train for Bandra. But for a while, all the trains were marked for Panvel or CST. On the bridge, I was waiting for indicators to point me to the platform for an Andheri or Goregaon train. (Bandra comes on the way.) But...I got a dedicated train to Bandra! That was so awesome! (On the bridge I struck up a casual conversation with another lady. A guy with a shiny laptop bag gave me and my dishevelled hair a side eye.) Reached Bandra station. And can I just say that from the bridge, Bandra East - especially BKC - looks far better than Bandra West. And Bandra West...they have just made the auto stand situation too chaotic. 

Reached home and boiled some noodles in daal. Too good!

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. But honestly not as active as I would like him to be. He told me that because I am not in his skin, I don't understand what he is going through. I suppose I should go easy on the advice. He looked sweet though. 

2. The train ride was me overcoming my inner sloth. Really grateful for that.

3. Had food at home.

4. Have water at home. 

5. Have electricity and could get some flowers to endy day with. Grateful for the beauty. 

6. The train ticket from Vashi to Bandra is 15 rupees. The best part about these local train tickets is that they give you a couple of stops beyond what you have asked for if it's the same fare. But I got the ticket up to Borivali! That's nearly 8 stations beyond Bandra. I could go up to Andheri or Versova or wherever if I wanted to! What a gift! Stuff like that makes me feel I am taken good care of. 

Saturday, April 25, 2026

Day 38 of 108

Last day of my contract today. Formalities done. Just like that something ended. 

It feels like a dream. The way the work started, the pain points, the difficulties, my abject anger and helplessness, some resolution, my break, my decision to leave, and then the exit. 

I don't know why...this feels very very dream like. Like I imagined the whole experience. 

Be that as it may. May there be peace for both sides.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. 

2. Left my key at home today when I went for a walk. Thankfully it was morning and the cleaning lady was coming shortly so it got sorted. But just yesterday I was thinking of how lucky my days were that I had not locked myself out of the house in a while. Let's see. I have to pay more attention. Thankfully this got sorted out smoothly today.

3. Treated myself to a Cortardo in Boojee today. Oh! How I love that place!

4. Had a nice walk. Saw a fight almost break out on Pali Hill but no harm done.

5. The flowers on Pali Hill are so pretty.

6. Got a short, quick farewell when I left. That was sweet. All things considered. 







Friday, April 24, 2026

A Carter Road vignette

 It's a hot summer night on Carter Road. There are some couples who're getting to know each other as they stroll past a tepid, shimmering ocean dotted with construction equipment. (At this point, construction equipment in Mumbai, or at least Bandra West, can pass for installation art.) There are girls in track pants and tee-shirts so faded that they are one wash away from being dust cloths. They occupy the two far ends of Carter's and play badminton. Some young boys are listening to something on their phones. Families with little children try to find a spot to sit where their kids will not start scooting after large rats running around. I walk on the promenade just to immerse myself in the quiet communion of the joy of the ordinary people. A little girl with curly hair runs towards me. She almost trips. I help her up and look around to check for a panicked parent. A sweaty lady is tying her shoelaces. She signs to me to keep her kid in check for a few minutes. I tell this girl that her name is Rayna. Because she looks like a Rayna. She is a little surprised at being told her name and not asked it. But she shrugs. It's not important to her what she's called. I asked her why she was running so fast. She points to the moon and tells me she wanted to catch it. I asked her if she knew what that was. She thinks and tries to remember what it is. She gives up and says, "Tired sun." By this time, her mother has reached us and smiles and retrieves her daughter from my custody. I looked up at the sky and thought that we truly are living in a beautifully bizarre world...where kids can spot the burnout in nature. And with such poetry.


Day 46 of 108

I am really losing it now. Why are people so dismissive and unwilling to take any accountability for their actions? It is very easy to go ca...