Thursday, April 23, 2026

Day 36 of 108

I am feeling scared and scattered today. The case of the rape website - that has been on my NewsFeed. Feeling really nauseous. Overate today. Quite a bit. It was stress. 

I think I really need to take time off from work to examine my internal world more closely. More than what I am doing even now. With more detachment. Otherwise I will unravel. 

Still, we get on by getting on.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I didn't speak with him today. But no serious, urgent call from home. So I think that is okay. 

2. Went to the gym today. The AC in my building gym is not working so I worked out in the heat. Just as well. Felt like a workout proper.

3. Had a work meeting. It was quick and painless. 

4. Had a nice breakfast at Boojee today. 

5. Had an interesting walk up Pali Hill. I stopped to click some really pretty flowers. I didn't realise but a street dog was standing behind me. I knocked over him a little bit and yelped in fright. The doggy just moved away. His eyes were so calm and loving. So sweet he was. God bless him/ her. 

6. Really really grateful that I am safe. 










Wednesday, April 22, 2026

Day 35 of 108

It was a rather sweet and happy day today. Peaceful. 

Got through the day. Went to the gym. A friend took me for a drive and we went to Haji Ali juice center for fruit and cream. Oh, I love that place so much! I had mango cream and my friend had dry fruit and cream. 

A little bit about Haji Ali. Papa used to take us there when his office was in Maker Towers. Papa used to tell us to notice the service in that area. Cars would be lined up and waiters would remember large orders and get us our desserts correctly every single time. Also, despite the heat, the cream-based dishes would never be curdled. The sweetness of the cream was simple. The fruits were juicy. The balance was perfect. It was perfect 40 years ago. It is perfect now. 

The Haji Ali fruit and cream was my symbol for a perfect love. When I decided after college that I wanted to get into writing, I wanted my language to provide the Haji Ali Cream Centre experience - unfussy, direct, tasteful, simple, perfect...and overall supreme. (The effort continues.)

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Am safe.

3. Found my phone at home. Thought I had left it in the auto.

4. Went for a drive to Haji Ali and had fruit and cream. Yummy! I love that place so much! And Bombay at night! Wow!

5. Went to the gym.

6. Wrote about John Steinbeck's 'The Pearl'. Quite enjoyed writing it. 


Tuesday, April 21, 2026

First Impressions: The Pearl by John Steinbeck


I will begin this write-up with a story about my life that is not here nor there. When I was looking for a set of subjects to pick in St. Xavier’s, I did not choose literature. Because I loved reading too much. So the idea of getting so close to a story, figuring out its mechanics, scrutinising it, and dissecting meaning and symbols, instead of simply being awash in the glow of a journey undertaken through words – the idea did not appeal at all. When I had to decide a major, it was a toss-up between Sociology and Psychology. I chose ‘Sociology’ because it seemed expansive and interesting. One of our teachers had told us a couple of things about sociology that helped me make that decision:

(AA)  Sociology was the study of regularities in society. Psychology is the study of irregularities in an individual.

(BB)   The smallest unit to study in Sociology is a family. The smallest unit to study in Psychology is one person.

The poetic whim of this lens is how I decided Sociology. And incidentally, as a Sociology student, I read more literature than my own textbooks. And from that reading, I understood that true authentic literature is both and beyond – the mind of an individual, the mayhem of a world and the membrane that separates and holds them both.

That was a rather large prelude to Steinbeck’s ‘The Pearl’. First of all, I had not heard of this work by Steinbeck. The Pearl is a retelling of a Mexican Folk Tale. It is set around late 1940s in La Paz, Mexico. We follow the story of a small, contented family of fisherfolk. There’s Kino, the man of the house, his woman Juan, and their infant Coyotito whose gurgles, giggles, and burps fill up their lives. Kino wakes up and goes to fish in La Baja California every day. (Incidentally, La Baja was so pearl-rich that pearls from the region hand funded the Spanish Inquisition at one point.) He doesn’t have too much materially but has a stoic and supportive partner and a baby. In a very specific way and space, he is an emperor. And athers – of he has this ability – passed on by his forefathers of hearing appropriate music in his mind as events emerge. I am not sure whether this is literal but it is a beautiful way of conveying to us that Kino is very much in tune with his world and everything that is in it.

One day, the baby is stung by a scorpion. Juan commands that they go to the doctor in town. That walk from their hut to the doctor is one of the most spectacular descriptions of social divide that I have ever read. Juan is resolute because she is focusing on the baby. But Kino is keenly aware of how backward his class is. He feels shame. He feels inadequate that he doesn’t have the stride of an educated person. He feels helpless that he doesn’t know the medicine books that the doctors or priests quote when they want to save his son’s health or soul.

He is a diver. And in the world outside the sea and his hut, he is out of his depth.

The doctor is a corrupt man who, expectedly asks his man-Friday to turn away the family from the gate. He does not even meet them. Kino is ashamed. Juan is still resolute and she suggests that they go farther, across the ocean. Coyotito is wrapped up in a scarf and is losing pulse.

One thing leads to another and Kino and family set sail. Understandably, going farther will cost. So Kino dives to get some more pearls to support his trip. And he finds…the pearl. In an oyster that seems to hum the song of the sirens, Kino finds a large exquisite pearl that shows the reflection of a peaceful world where his family is happy and his baby is healthy.

Once he gets the pearl, Juan has managed to suck out the scorpion sting from little Coyotito’s body. And now the pearl becomes their lens to a wider world. Kino dreams of getting a gun, getting married, getting his baby baptized in the church in fine clothes, getting an education for his son so that his child will know what the books contain. Then slowly, he hears the tenors of the music change. He sees and senses avarice – of his neighbors, of the market, of the priests, of the doctor (Who miraculously shows up at their door and tells Kino that he will give a medicine to the child so that the scorpion poison is eliminated for good – except that the child gets worse.) He prevents the pearl from getting stolen.

He does a lot. And the story does not end well.

It is a short story of a simple couple who for a brief period became the custodian of something gorgeous and dangerous. I found the pearl motif very stunning.

Yes, it is about the actual pearl, of course. But also what the pearl represents – the quiet sanctity of the world that Kino, Juan, and Coyotito live in. The simplicity of the neighbors. The dream of a distant town. And then when the oyster is opened up, the actual pearl and all these other gems of peace, quietude, and contentment also get poisoned.

Even as I type this out, I am feeling a pain in my gut. The language is so lyrical and alarming. So much peace must mask so much pain.

“It was a morning like other mornings and yet perfect among mornings.”

“When Kino had finished, Juana came back to the fire and ate her breakfast. They had spoken once, but there is not need for speech if it is only a habit anyway. Kino sighed with satisfaction - and that was conversation.”

Then, the rise of the fierce nature that men have to protect their family…and also grow.

“He had said, "I am a man," and that meant certain things to Juana. It meant that he was half insane and half god. It meant that Kino would drive his strength against a mountain and plunge his strength against the sea. Juana, in her woman's soul, knew that the mountain would stand while the man broke himself; that the sea would surge while the man drowned in it. And yet it was this thing that made him a man, half insane and half god…”

Steinbeck’s grip of how a larger social unit works different from a smaller social unit is so adroit.

“A town is a thing like a colonial animal. A town has a nervous system and a head and shoulders and feet. A town is a thing separate from all other towns alike. And a town has a whole emotion. How news travels through a town is a mystery not easily to be solved. News seems to move faster than small boys can scramble and dart to tell it, faster than women can call it over the fences.”

The Pearl is never listed as Steinbeck’s best works. But if ever there was a novella that meshed the knot of psychology with the weave of sociology and dyed it with some native myth and lore, this would be it.

 

 

Monday, April 20, 2026

Day 34 of 108

 My mummy would have been 74 years old today. Her birthday today. She is no more. In the same way the dream I had yesterday is no more. It is strange but I really wonder where she went. What happens after death? Mummy hated the heat. We used to have an AC in every room when I was growing up. At that time AC was a big luxury and not like the quotidien amenity of today. And that AC would be on full blast throughout the summers. Ma used to bathe twice a day at least. And my brother and I used to be responsible for bringing in ice cubes from the freezer to put in the buckets for her bath. 

I remember that morning when we went to the hospital. Papa had called and told me that she was losing health. I woke up my brother. He woke up with a start. I somehow knew what was coming so I started crying in the car, trying to hide my face. But my brother saw and got irritated because he did not want to accept what we were going to the hospital for. 

When we reached the hospital, the doctor said thay she was no more. The day was just breaking outside. Beyond her bed in the ICU, I could see pigeons on a ledge. They were going about their morning business. 

But Ma was not there. 

The way things are, hospital logistics, funerals, etc. take on a lot of attention and all that. So for some reason I still couldn't believe that she was no more. But then at the funeral pyre, when she lay on the wood, etc., it was so hot and all. But she looked peaceful. She wasn't hot or anything. She was away somewhere very comfortable. I remember feeling very torn then - that as long as there is life there is pain. Once life is gone, pain is gone too. But my mother was gone. The person who understood me the most was gone too. 

There's no point in thinking that she is there in the songs of the birds or the rain clouds or the smell of incense, etc. etc. She is not here. Sometimes I feel that maybe I should do a seance and call her. But then no. I love her too much for that. She must be happy and cool wherever she is. 

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He was reading Oscar Wilde today and when I spoke to him, he seemed happy.

2. I remember my mom. I have very strong, visceral memories of her. I loved thinking about her today. 

3. Ordered some sweets today. Motichoor laddus from Bombay Sweet Shop. Gave one laddu to the delivery guy who had come to deliver groceries. He looked so happy. 

4. Got through the work day today.

5. Am safe. 

Day 33 of 108

 I am trying not to think about tomorrow. It is 4 am. Was trying to sleep but things are sick. Woke up to type this out.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Spoke to him today.

2. I went out today to Juhu with a friend. Juhu Shoppers Stop is so nice.

3. Tried Bayroute today. The Aush soup was really tasty.

4. Grateful for a home.

5. Grateful for the health. 






Sunday, April 19, 2026

Day 32 of 108

 Gosh! I am so tired! And it was an expensive day. Strange, out of the blue expenses. And a lot of nervous tension. Still, silver linings in all days and here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I met him today. And I got quite upset that he hadn't told me about the AC not working. That took forever to sort out because the Urban Company guy did not know what he was doing and our AC is very old. 

2. A friend came over to Vashi. It was so sweet of him and he drove me back to Bandra.

3. We got home safe even though we were illegally stopped.

4. Enjoyed vegetables.

5. Am alive.

Saturday, April 18, 2026

Day 31 of 108

I think the dhobi has run off with my clothes. 25 pieces of clothing and he is gone. Strangely, I still have more than enough clothes. There are a few sarees in their Amazon packets as well and I can't find the bodycon dress that I bought. Now that I am working out, I would look good in it too. I wonder if it is symbolic for the message that so many things that get accumulated over time are really not required. You get used to them. 

A close friend had called me for her anniversary party. I didn't go. I just told her that I won't be able to make it. I didn't even give a reason. The weird thing is that I don't even feel bad. It would have been nice to see the kids but I feel when one is feeling this tired and done with humanity, one should not contaminate a child's space. Or maybe I am just done with the equation. And I don't have the energy in me to carry this on.

Anyway, the earth continues to spin for both of us. I mean, it doesn't spin FOR us...but it's spinning, we are living...and that's all there is to it. 

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Spoke to him today. He was asleep when I called. He picked up and sounded groggy. A long time ago he had sounded this way when he was wounded. So my heart lurched. But thankfully he is well. 

2. I am grateful for this dhobhi experience because it is uncomfortable. I realise that I see this story playing on in my head over and over again. And this breaking of the loop is what I must work on. Based on a few things that I have read on trauma, the mind naturally holds on to thoughts of danger etc. because the nervous system has learned to cope that way. But it is important to disengage and disconnect.

3. Made it to the gym and did a little workout. Not as much as I need to. But it's okay. We made it.

4. A helpful reader of the blog reached out to me last night with a message. They were worried based on my last entry. (Nothing to worry about.) But I was touched by the tender humanity of strangers...of people.

5. I cooked a little today...plain ramen noodles from Urban Platter - just boiled in salt water and tossed in some ghee. Then I mixed in some tofu scramble made yesterday. That was yummy. I felt like a very self-sufficienct domestic person
..like a heroine of a novella who moves to an idyllic town and builds a life for herself.

6. Wrote about Foster. Writing is what I love. And whenever I do it, I feel it loves me too. 

Friday, April 17, 2026

First Impressions: Foster by Claire Keagan


This is my favorite couplet/ verse/ message from the Tao Te Ching - Even if a house has four walls, you live within the empty space. That even if a pot has beautiful curvature or is made of either humble materials or premium enamel, the water is stored in the empty space. The emptiness is what contains. In a way, the emptiness is the point. (I am rewording this. There are more elegant explanations elsewhere.)

Foster is the story of love that spreads and spools in exactly such a place. 

We follow the story of a young girl who is unnamed in the novel. I find that detail to be enormous because she goes through such momentous internal shifts that it makes the first marker of identity, like a name, feel like a footnote.

The young girl is left at her aunt's place for a bit because her own parents are not well off financially, and they are expecting their third or fourth child. The new foster parents, Kinsellas, are grappling with their own sorrow. They lost their young son to drowning in a nearby lake. 

With this girl, they are warm, welcoming, sometimes a little stern, and always fully loving. There's a part in the book where this girl has returned from church with a nosy neighbor who tells her about the Kinsella's dead child. Our protagonist does not know of it until then. Then later, after she is told of this, the child connects the dots - a strange look when she dresses up in boy's clothes that she finds in the cupboard, the bedroom decorated with cute wallpaper even though there's no child around, etc. 

That evening, the father takes this girl atop a hill, near the lake. And as they are standing there, looking around at a world going silent, he puts his arms around her and brings her in his fold. She belongs now.

The story doesn't end here. But this moment, the writing leading up to this moment - is so sad, complete, fulfilling, and wholesome that you don't mind if the book ended here. Anything after this is a beautiful continuum. (And it does have a slightly open end.) When the foster parents drop her off at her real parents and are about to drive off, she runs out and hugs this man and calls him "Daddy". We don't know if the foster parents adopted her or anything. But we know that a child finally understood what it means to be loved by a family - in a way she understands.

There are many ways the book breaks your heart. It's like the way a child breaks your heart. The unflinching gaze at the truth. You are weak, you are flawed, you try to put up something so that the child will not know - but the child knows. More than knows, understands. More than understands, accepts. And more than accepts, becomes.

The unbecoming is the triumph we see in Foster.

Day 30 of 108

 I am so fed up...of people, of life, of rigmarole of living. I just.want.out.

I want to really go to the mountains. Or a smooth space. I am in pain. No two ways about it. I don't know what is causing it though.

It is really really rough. Anyway here are a few things I am grateful for...and let tge records show that I actually wrestled with myself today to think of things to be grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I spoke to him and then later he messaged me too.

2. Got through the day.

3. A friend came over at night.

4. Tofu bhurji and sprouts chilla was good.

5. Managed going to the gym. 


Thursday, April 16, 2026

Day 29 of 108

 Things are crumply. I went for a 1 hour walk and I got exhausted. Would have been nice to do some weights but no. Didn't happen. Once my job is done, I will focus on strength training. 

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Spoke to him twice today. 

2. Got through the day.

3. At least went for a walk. 1 hour.

4. Am safe.

5. Cleaning lady came today.

6. Ate konjac rice with smoked tofu. Made it myself. Really nice.

Tuesday, April 14, 2026

Day 28 of 108

 Today was a hard day. Really low on energy. I don't know why I got so tired and just really listless. I woke up to a slight cramp. And I had my period. Just like that teara roll down my eyes. Honestly it was soothing and surreal to just watch myself. So much of emotions is just biology. The heart is not as involved as I might have thought. Hmm. You live and learn.

Here are a few things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Did not speak with him tonight and he didn't pick up the phone now. But mausi said he is sleeping. 

2. I got through the day. Really that can be the best thing to do said about it. It occurs to me that I wake up with so much confidence that I will live through the day. Even if I am sad and desolate, I still know that I will not die today. And I did not. I mean we still have 30 minutes before the day is over. But I still know that I will make it. Let's see about this tomorrow. 

3. Managed a workout today.

4. Am safe.

5. Had water and electricity. 

Day 36 of 108

I am feeling scared and scattered today. The case of the rape website - that has been on my NewsFeed. Feeling really nauseous. Overate today...