I am not sure whether I want to end the blogpost and all that. I am so exhausted. But the fatigue really feels existential.
But still here are the things I am grateful for:
1. Papa is well. He sounded good and happy today.
2. I am feeling a little lighter today. May have lost a little weight.
3. Got a pretty cotton saree delivered today. Black and white Warli print.
4. Ordered rajgira puri and aaloo sabzi from Lakshara Punjab Sweet House. It was awesome!
5. Got through the day.
Well, we complete one more day. I did not do too much except worry a lot. Had a lot of mindless eating. But for whatever it is worth, one more day is done. I am sensing some unease, discomfort, and inflammation in my body. But it's okay. One has lived.
1. Papa is well.
2. Cook made tasty arbi today.
3. Had food, water, and electricity.
4. Wrote about a book I read. (It's the previous post.) I really enjoy reading and writing. It soothes my soul completely.
5. Met a friend. He was telling me of a few parties in Goa he attended. It sounded like so much fun!
6. I came across an interesting video. It talked about how we tend to think of spirituality as a cosmic insurance against pain. But the stories of the avatars etc. teach us that the idea is to withstand the world without breaking. Because if the Gods could not or did not avoid anything, we can't either.
I wish that I get to that place where I don't feel so stung and pained by everything. Some day, maybe.
7. Wore a pink and white cotton saree that my aunt had gifted me. I really like cotton sarees. Especially light, airy ones!
There's a quote I had read a long time ago: "You are everything I never knew I always wanted." In early youth, this was a romantic notion. But with time, one sees it as life philosophy - one that Claire Keegan weaves into her novel, "In Small Things Like These" very deftly.
We follow Furlong, the manager of a coal dispensing operation (who has risen through the ranks from a miner), over a few days in December. He lives with his family, comprising a practical, loving wife and four girls. So, we follow an ordinary man living out an ordinary life in a small Irish town. And then it's Christmas.
Because of the cold and some other problems, Furlong is short of help, and he has to deliver coal himself. His usual crew is not available. So Furlong goes to the neighbors' homes - the same ones he used to visit as a child, and we get a glimpse of what life must have been for a young lad.
Furlong was born out of wedlock to a young mother. She was the maid at Mrs. Wilson's, an older widow's place. The widow was kind enough to take care of the mother and son. In fact, Furlong did not have a father growing up, but he got close to a bunch of other male help who worked in the same house as his mother. There is a really moving memory where Furlong, as a child, wants a train set for Christmas, but he gets a dictionary instead. He is broken-hearted. But when he reflects on it in hindsight, he realises that the dictionary actually improved his vocabulary and his spoken communication. This enabled him to rise in the ranks at the coal mine quicker.
So Furlong is a man with a full life and a grateful heart.
Then one day, just around Christmas time, he has to deliver coal to St. Margaret's Convent - a nunnery where he finds girls (considered to be "fallen" because they got pregnant outside of marriage or did drugs or smoked and drank) working on laundry and being kept in poor conditions. When he first enters the convent, it is dark, and he can't find anyone. Later, he trips over a very young woman who is pregnant and who begs him to help her escape.
Furlong is a kind man, a strong man...and a family man.
He helps her with some milk or something and then tells her he will try to help her out. He leaves.
When he discusses the issue with his wife, she warns him against going up against the Convent. It is known that the Convent is a front for forced labour. It has some powerful people backing it. And how many people could he help anyway?
Furlong tries to sort this out by meeting the Mother Superior. And this discussion is a quiet, eerie, and masterful piece of writing.
The Mother knows that Furlong is aware of what is going on. She offers him some Christmas treats and asks him about his family. She comments that while daughters are lovely, wouldn't it have been good to also have a son? Then she hints at how the Convent is a tool in keeping wanton women in check. Because righteousness must be the status quo.
In the course of the conversation, Furlong remembers that young, pregnant, frightened woman he had tripped on earlier. In that memory, he also remembers how his own mother may have been a young, pregnant, frightened woman at one time. How his mother (and he) had been saved by the kindness of a woman who had modest means but a generous heart. Maybe Mrs. Wilson did not have the presence of Christ the same way the Convent did, but the fact that Furlong was a working, contributing member of society pointed to some sort of hand of God. He then thinks of that young, frightened, pregnant girl again and thinks of his daughters. Suppose they slip up and make a mistake, would this eternal damnation be useful for them?
He thinks about the nun's comment on him not having a son. And then he realizes something odd - that he is a man and by virtue of the gender hierarchy in the nun's head, he is superior to her. So he leans back in the chair, squares his shoulder, and tells the nun a few things.
This section is so well written and composed that the tenor of the book changes completely. You see Furlong as someone who has the mettle to handle inconveniences in ways that he thinks is right.
In another part of the book, we get a sense of what Furlong is thinking as he ruminates about this girl in the Convent while walking with his family: "As they carried along and met more people Furlong did and did not know, he found himself asking was there any point in being alive without helping one another? Was it possible to carry on along through all the years, the decades, through an entire life, without once being brave enough to go against what was there and yet call yourself a Christian, and face yourself in the mirror?”
The book ends on a continuation of sorts.
But it does leave you thinking...that kindness is a distinct kind of valour.
Okay, my first instinct is to just quickly jot down a few points and be done with it. But I will try to not do that. Get through it quickly and be done with it is exactly the way I have been getting through my days so far. But let me slow down and really take my time through this.
Yes, the churn and chaos in my heart are difficult emotions to process. But it's okay. Even in the midst of this and with whatever is happening around, here are a few things that I am grateful for:
1. Papa is well. I saw him today and he looked so fresh and cute in his salmon pink shirt and black shorts. He has started to look like a child.
2. We had such a lovely talk. He told me stories of the times he would travel through the Strait of Hormuz when he was a marine engineer. He has lived through so much...even just from a geopolitical perspective. It was quite nice.
3. Cook had made sabudana khichdi. And I had that with potato fry, curd, and yummy nolen gur that she had gotten from Kolkata.
4. Had the resources to go and come by auto. That, honestly, in times like this is precious.
5. Am safe. Am alive. When I read about the bombings and all those escalations, I am just so grateful that even with a crashed out nervous system and all, I still have some more time to figure out a few things. Really truly grateful for that.
Today was a good day. Maybe because it was a Friday. But it was still exhausting. Here are a few things that I am grateful for:
1. Papa is well. He sounded peaceful and happy today.
2. Listened to this AP Dhillon and Tara Sutaria number a long time. It is quite awesome!
3. Both help came today.
4. Had a tough conversation with some people at work. That seems to be the only type of conversation I am having. Still counting it as good because am sure some great truth and good will come out of it.
5. Had home made sabudana wada today.
I am really getting tired with doing the same thing over and over.
Did some crazy amount of online shopping today. Sad.
Here are all the things I am grateful for:
1. Papa is well.
2. I am safe.
3. Both help came today.
4. Have food and water.
5. Had money for some mindless shopping.
I start the next cycle of my 108 records. Here are all the things that I am grateful for:
1. Papa is well. His is the sweetest voice on Earth for me. I can't explain the salve I feel when I talk to him.
2. I told a friend that I was finding our friendship too draining and maybe it is good to not be in touch. It was a long friendship and it feels sad. But it was time. I am trying to cultivate the mindset and heartset (if there is such a word) that a grateful soul must say thank you for everything.
3. I got some past pending money. That was good. Time to salt away something for the future.
4. Met a friend and we had coffee.
5. Took a break from work.
Well, well, well. We have completed one set of 108 days today. I also decided to end something today. I think it is okay.
Here are a few things I am grateful for:
1. Papa is well.
2. Am safe.
3. Have a home.
4. Had spicy ramen.
5. Had wi-fi.
I am so tired.
But I am really weirded out about this. But it's okay. The fatigue seems understandable.
I am not proud of that but I ignored my neighbor today. I am just a little bit put off with her. Anyway, here are a few things I am grateful for:
1. Papa is well. Did not talk to him today but there was no frantic call. So that was okay.
2. Had a tough and tumble day at work. Some encouraging feedback came our way. That was nice.
3. Remembered to order groceries today.
4. Am safe.
5. AC was working and I had water.
I am tired. Also down with a little fever. and sore throat.
Anyway a lot of crazy things to tackle. I am just tackling so much anxiety that I am really wondering what all my nervous system needs to undergo.
Here are a few things that I am grateful for:
1. Papa is well.
2. Met V for a short while today. It felt nice.
3. Got a massage from Urban Company. It was nice.
4. Had two tasty cheese dosas.
5. Wore my Ma's pink saree.
Here are all the things I am grateful for:
1. Papa is well. He is so content to be in Vashi. I did feel a little sad that he is not with me. But he was looking so sweet in his white t-shirt and shorts and chatting with the caretaker. So, there is that. He looked so cute sleeping on his bed with the mosquito net and all. Well... sometimes just seeing him at peace is worth whatever churn I am going through.
2. Had really tasty food at home today.
3. Am safe
4. Fit into my jeans after ages. 3.5 years.
5. Went on a bike ride with V. It was so, so lovely! Was meeting him after ages. And his bike is a little fancy for me to get on. But it was lovely! He treated me to veg cheese sandwich, lenon soda and watermelon juice! I love sudden impromptu plans like this! We sat at Cafe Seasude on Bandstand! I loved it! There was one part where we were coming through Pali Hill. The trees were gorgeous and filled with pink flowers...and beyond that the sky was blue. Some leaves of a badam tree (I think) had turned a ludh green! That moment was so perfect!
Life is really feeling so hard at times...with this knot of anxiety surfacing all the time...that moments like these...and seeing my father at peace...these just function as memories that someone up there was blessing you.
