Day 59 of 108

 I encountered several triggers today. It occurred to me that the only thing that I really need to work on is regulating my nervous system. That is the only way out of this quagmire. There is a lady on YouTube called The Workout Witch. She is into somatic workouts... little gentle stretches that get the body to release trauma. It is so nice. In fact it was quite a revelation how tight my jaws were. And just unclenching or loosening the jaws opened up a whole lot in me. 

I have my cuppa tea with me and can't find my novel. It's really long. But it reads well. I am just so scattered and horribly unfocused all the time that I can't do anything steadily for a long time. But it's okay. I will not berate myself. I have not done the best I can but I can't do anything about that now. 

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. 

2. The maintenance bill was slightly reduced this month. Wow! Huge, huge relief. 

3. Did 60 minutes on the cross trainer. Varying speed and difficulty but still. 

4. Swept the house today. Cleaning lady had not come today.

5. Have a home, water, electricity, wi-fi, a fridge full of food, great books, and a perspective that is developing nicely with its own set of challenges. 

Day 58 of 108

 

This is a black kite and it comes to the railing every day. I wonder what it wants. I get a little scared of leaving the window open because it is a predatory bird but let's see. I will try to summon up the courage to leave something by the window ledge or something. 

I saw it really close today. It is so gorgeous! Can you imagine that I saw it in Bandra? It is so surreal to imagine that we share this space with such different, beautiful creatures. Yes, it's easy to ignore these mundane miracles when you spot a dog, cat, cow, pigeon, crow, etc. But you hear a koyal, you see a kite - and just suddenly, the quiet sudden awe - that we share space with THIS!

I have been feeling very strange and scattered and distracted and really low on focus. I think something is up with my brain and I am not quite sure what to do. It's like the body and mind are slowly dismantling and dissolving. I feel it's a good thing because beyond this is something true maybe. 

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He sounded good when I spoke to him.

2. Updated my resume. That is always such a work of drudgery but I did it. 

3. Did not spend anything today.

4. Had a nice nap.

5. Saw the black kite. 

6. Have a safe, sweet home. 

Day 57 of 108

 It was a weird and horrible and nice day. It sort of ended with PF Chang dinner. But I learned a few things here. Life is strange. One hopes that it stops being a stranger and remains a strange friend.

I am feeling very overwhelmed and I am not sure how far things have gotten. 

I don't know what I am writing. 

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He sounded happy when I called.

2. Went to Boojee.

3. Got some answers from a neighbour.

4. Went to PF Chang with a friend.

5. Feeling very scattered and a little bit scared. Listing this as something I am grateful for because it is part of the human experience. 

Day 56 of 108

 My heels and knees are paining. But it's okay. Bearable. Still managed to work out today. I wonder if the pain in the body is an opportunity to actually go beyond the body and look at ways to transcend the body. Could it be that this knee pain is now a gateway for me to transcend this mortal framework and commune with the gods or aliens? Or maybe something else - like a vitamin deficiency and such (which is more probable). But it's okay. Here we are. Like the Stoics believed: "The Obstacle is the Way". 

Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I did not talk to him today but there was no call from home - nothing to panic about. So that is good. 

2. I think I managed to eat a lot more protein today than what I normally do. 

3. Read a bit.

4. Slept a bit.

5. I wasted a fair amount of time today. It is not really good but I am listing it here as one of the things that I am grateful for - because even wastage is life...and even this was a day.

Day 55 of 108

It was an interesting and educational day. I took an hour out to just lie on the bed, breathe, and notice my nervous system. It was/ is taut and tired. But the act of actually noticing every beat of the nervous system was like watching a constellation form in the skies. This method of becoming the observer is quite fascinating. At different points in my life, this particular activity has been easy or difficult. I would like to invest in this practice more diligently. At least that is the intention.

Anyway, here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Spoke to him today. He was sounding strong and happy.

2. I did not feel like working out today because I was in pain. But I did. 

3. Controlled my urge to order samosas.

4. Cook had made a tasty quinoa khichdi today.

5. Have enough resources to get by. 

Day 54 of 108

Today my blog crossed 1 million hits. I have written the blog for a long, long time. I have abandoned it several times, then resumed, then changed its focus, then just kept it around like an abandoned and dusty park bench, sometimes cleaned it up for a nice respite in the shade. Am I happy? I don't know. I was but I just had a difficult interaction with someone and had to get out of a car and get a cab home. So there was anger there. A lot of anger there. But I am immensely glad that I could do it. That I could keep a blog going for this long even though a lot of people said a lot of things. Or when a lot of people ignored it the way people ignore things that aren't lucrative. I have procrastinated so, so, so much in life...that THIS steadiness feels like the invincible summer in me that Camus wrote about. 

Well, I want to think about this and write more in detail. But back to regular programming. Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I didn't talk to him. But no frantic calls from home. So all good.

2. Tried out Cafe Nur in Horniman circle. The gud sherbet with sabza was very tasty. I had the paneer tikka and my friend had the biryani. 

3. Am safe. For a little while when I stomped off the car and walked away in Mahim around 11:30, I was a little scared. But then stood somewhere and got a cab. Big relief. 

4. I wrote about a book I read. Felt really good about that. 

5. Had money to treat myself and live independently and take care of my father. I can't emphasize just how deeply important that is to me. 

6. Visited Hasanabad Dargah in Mazgaon with my friend. Beautiful soothing place. 

First Impressions: No one belongs here more than you by Miranda July

This book costs the same amount as a plate of scrambled tofu and cortado at Boojee cafe. The experience was also pretty similar. Tepid, slightly wannabe, a little infuriating with so many different things trying to play together – and then just as you’ve wearily accepted that this is as good as it gets and your money may have been better spent elsewhere – it happens. A perfect forkful of creamy tofu, sauteed microgreens, some candied walnuts, and a sliver of the toast.

It’s like that with July’s work as well.

Of the 16 short stories, so many I found were clumsily stuffed with pointless sexual descriptions, clumsy surrealism, and exasperatingly clueless characters. And then – a story comes by that is a wholesome emotional postcard of a woman clinging to loneliness, not dealing with it. Or a twist in a plot that makes it clear how brutal friends and friendships can be. Or even this - a turn of phrase like ‘Inelegantly, and without my consent, time passed.’ or ‘Some people need a red carpet rolled out in front of them in order to walk forward into friendship. They can't see the tiny outstretched hands all around them, everywhere, like leaves on trees.” Or my favorite: ‘“I laughed and said, Life is easy. What I meant was, Life is easy with you here, and when you leave, it will be hard again.”

That’s when this compendium of tedium sparkles. The way kindness does.

The stories themselves are whimsical.

One of them features a woman who teaches swimming on her kitchen floor. Another has an ordinary woman with a fixation on Prince William. The first one has a woman sharing her patio with her neighbors. One day her neighbor has an epileptic fit but she dozes off in the middle of that. The last story (How to Tell Stories to Children) is my favorite. It is about a woman who unwittingly becomes a kind of a godmother to her ex-boyfriend’s child. Then the child grows up and, in the way, grown-up kids do, crushes her heart. It is tender and reminded me of a line in the show ‘Wonder Years’: “We don’t blame ourselves for getting older. We forgive ourselves for growing up.”

Only with the last story does Miranda July become a flesh and blood person for me – only someone deeply flawed can feel deeply as well.

Otherwise, it’s just not possible.

 

 

Day 53 of 108

I am very angry today regarding a few things. People's biases really show through in their language. 

I seem to have planters fasciatis (however you spell it).Mu heel is really paining and I can sense something strange happening in and to my body. I think I need to work and make peace with my body. The pain is a result of a lot of hard emotions that thus far have been unprocessed. 

Anyway that investigation itself will be good. But here are a few things we can grateful for...pain in body notwithstanding. 

1. Papa is well. I daresay he is better than I am. His general demeanor towards life has really helped him. (He was looking so cute today.)

2. Papa and I went to NMAC for a wedding reception. 

3. I walked a fair bit in really tight shoes. My feet have welts. I think real success is a barefoot life where you just walk on soft sand, cool grass, or lush velvet carpets. Anyway, as a follower of Marcus Aurelius, I do think that even this pain and the surviving of it are things I must be grateful for. 

4. I wore a white strappy dress with a shiny white top. I quite liked it. 

5. Can walk. 

6. Papa's caretaker had made really tasty curd rice. 

Day 52 of 108

 I am typing this out from the Starbucks in Juhu. I wanted to get to Versova but couldn't get a rick. So I walked from my house to SV Road wearing a pretty white dress and an old polyester cape from Zara. It looked pretty cool when I stepped out but it became sweltering pretty quickly. I walked right up to Khar and then took a rick to Juhu beach because that's the point to which the guy was coming. Then walked to the Starbucks on Juhu Tara Road. Which is cool, lovely and the oasis I needed to regain my sanity in white.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Enjoyed my morning coffee at the Farmer's Deli. (Pic. Courtesy of a free Friday morning by my fitness coach, Satish Lodh.  https://www.instagram.com/coach_satishlodh?igsh=MXcwN3NnOXc2eHEydg==)

3. Worked out. It was painful today but soldiered through it.

4. Quite enjoyed my Valenciaga orange drink.

5. Feeling a little emotional and the mood swings are coming in full swing. But that too is something to be grateful for...a sign of life and living. 

Day 51 of 108

 I had two meaningful conversations today. One ritual that I have started needs to be completed now. Phone is going out of charge. So will get to my list soon:

1. Papa is well.

2. Have a safe, sweet, peaceful home.

3. Saw the kite again today.

4. Had a bad dream. Listing it as something to be grateful for because the attempt is to go beyond labelling.

5. Worked out. 

Day 50 of 108

 I saw a beautiful kite sitting at the railing when I returned from the gym. Gosh! What a magical sight! I was reading up on the symbolism of sighting a kite. It apparently heralds protection and divine intervention and assistance. That is nice.

Here are all the things I am grateful for today:

1. Papa is well.

2. I had a good workout today. 

3. Decided to take a quick trip to Oberoi Mall today. I was supposed to meet a friend there, but then my phone went out of charge and I couldn't get in touch with him. We missed each other. No harm. I am just thankful for it because it is a good reminder that fate makes its way even through strange plans.

4. I ordered masala pav. That was tasty.

5. Completed a chore.