I am a little tired of this. But here are all the things I am grateful for:
1. Papa is well.
2. I wrote about a book today.
3. I had a good chat with someone.
4. Had tasty food.
5. Survived
There's a quote by Chesterton that goes, "“The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.” The paradox of being burdened by the same thing that fueled you, or being pained by the same thing that protected you is not a new condition. In fact, one could postulate that this condition is as old as human existence itself. One of the common fallouts of living with such paradox is incessant labelling and an endless need to survive a volatile inner world - a feeling or a trait that felt good at one time feels bad and sickly at another.
It is usually in the middle of such churn that one finds a book. In my case, I'd come across this book ages ago but it was lying on my bookshelf for a long while. And then it was Gagandeep Singh Kapoor's gentle insistence that I read it. And it was a tough read - emotionally, mentally, and although I do not want to use that term in context of a book write-up - but spiritually as well. There is such a Vedantic-patina to the whole text that is hard to miss. But I am getting ahead of myself.
Richard C Schwartz is an American psychotherapist who developed the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model. This model serves as a systemic approach to traditional psychotherapy, the ultimate aim of which is dealing with and healing trauma - both at an individual and family level. The story of how he identified the gaps and limitations in psychotherapy and how this led to the emergence of IFS is a deeply humbling trajectory in itself. (The book has a small portion of that.) There comes a time when intellect just goes so far and no further - one does not understand why one feels or things the way one does, why patterns keep repeating - and even if you have figured those two parts - how do you get the story to change?
A central premise to IFS is a departure from the 'mono mind'. Basically, we do not have just one mind. Our mind itself is made up of many different parts. Our non-acceptance of this paradigm is what has us warring with our various sides. However, we do have a central Self that is peaceful and compassionate. The issue is when our various parts take over and edge out the Self. These parts that we are made up of are firefighters, managers, protectors - and a few others that I have forgotten. Although every part may be different, each part's entire agenda is to save and protect yourself from further hurt. The self-sabotage that you likely face is one part protecting you for the 'good stuff' for your 'own good'. Suppressing, denying, berating the part- etc. does not help. If anything, it makes those parts fight back stronger. So, the idea is to sit with yourself and try to talk to each of these parts and then mediate and come to some truce.
The book has some meditations and exercises that one can work through. They are tough because any of the feelings that are deep rooted and deep seated are painful as they get dislodged. And I did actually feel the dislodging - which is an oddly surreal feeling. You don't think of an old emotion holding physical space in your body but maybe it does. (Or maybe I am just that susceptible). But -- as with my introduction to Vedanta -- the first step was to try to stop labeling. Describe a situation, not judge it. Because with judgment comes a need to defend, deny, justify, explain, etc. etc. - everything besides acceptance. And acceptance (or as Tara Bracht called it...Radical Acceptance) is the answer. In fact more than the answer, it is the whole point of all this living.
I particularly liked the sweetness of the language. It is kind and tender. The description of how IFS is supposed to help one architect a strong personality, a compassionate human being...and maybe a loving world - that is the most winsome message of this book.
"“We need a new paradigm that convincingly shows that humanity is inherently good and thoroughly interconnected. With that understanding, we can finally move from being ego-, family-, and ethno-centric to species-, bio-, and planet-centric.”
And if we look around at the world we currently inhabit, that's the memory we need...and the resolve.
A hibiscus near a teacup,
An orchid by a glass of wine,
A park bench in twilight,
Our Mondays soaked in brine.
Been really really unwell. But my dad is with me. The pain killers worked. That is okay. As far as possible, this is what we get so far. That much is enough.
Well, I don't believe it today but here we are.
Here are all the things I am grateful for today:
1. Papa is well. We had a difficult episode today but it's okay. We passed through that. I pray that whatever tangled knot there is gets untangled now.
2. On the way to get the newspaper, I saw a tiny baby, Dhruv. He could barely keep his head up. Little puffy cheeks he had.
3. I made a cream cheese sauce that I had with bread late at night.
4. Managed to keep a fast.
5. Had electricity.
If my fatigue could get tired, I am there now. I just got a bit of respite when I prayed a little bit. But there is life. So there is hope. And one lives centered in that.
Here are all the things I am grateful for:
1. Papa is well. He ate well today. He also went to the gym to work out for 20 minutes. He looked quite cute in his red jumper and khaki shorts.
2. Got a call from a friend. We might be meeting on Saturday. Really looking forward to it.
Shucks. I was not able to paste this yesterday. Never mind. It's okay. I will still complete the other 3 things today.
3. Both cook and cleaning lady came.
4. The dhobi turned up. This may seem like a strange thing but thus dude keeps taking off whenever.
5. Had good food. Ordered boondi laddoo from Meetha.
Flight, fright, freeze...and now, I am in freeze mode. It is so hard to summon peace. There's really so much going on around us. When I go out in the morning, I feel the sense of war and some kind of tired wrath around. It is sick and painful. Still, one must plod on and I am grateful for the opportunity to just show up...if nothing ese other than to see how things continue.
Anyway, here are all the things I am grateful for:
1. Papa is well. His lower back is hurting and he is forgetting things. But we went to the building gym today where he happily cycled for 10 mins. I was still in my dress and flats but tried doing some weights. I will need to get back to it but am grateful that I got a chance to do that.
2. A friend called up. It was so nice and soothing to hear from him. Felt a little nourished. I have a feeling that something unsettling will happen towards the end of the month. So I just try to shore up on as much peace as I can.
3. The puranpolis I got from Manek superstore were awesome! I really liked their thepla too but Papa didn't like them. We are fond of their idlis though.
4. Managed to keep a fast.
5. Had water, food, and electricity.
There have been a few upheavals today. Could not keep my fast. But held ground. So, no harm done. Managed to keep track of the electrician's visit, father's medication, and put in an honest day's work. So, good so far.
Anyway here are a few things I am grateful for:
1. Papa is well. He wrote a little bit and went for a walk. That was nice. I was a tad worried but he came back safe. He doesn't like walking but it's important that he do it.
2. The electrician came on time and fixed the fan. It was a quick, easy process without the million follow-up calls, etc. That was good.
3. Was too hassled today to fast. So ate bur liked my mix of soy wheat soba noodles and white rice.
4. Had electricity today. And there was water, etc.
5. Got some money that was owed to me from before. Always a nice thing to happen as one approaches the end of the month.
It was such a precious day today. I had my own weary heavings of expectations and a lot of mindless scrolling but I felt a sense of nourishing rest that I had not felt for a long time.
Here are all the things I am grateful for:
1. Papa is well.
2. I made up my mind today to not get impatient about a lot of things. I managed to not erupt.
3. Finished reading Max Porter's Shy today. It was a rough read.
4. Papa and I went to Facing East in Juhu for dinner. He really enjoyed it. He is asleep now, like a peaceful child. That's nice.
5. Managed to keep the fast today.
