Day 83 of 108

 I am beyond exhausted. There is a slight fever. Nowadays my days are a gamut of such emotional rides that it feels as if I am living 15 days in 1 day. Is that good? Or not? After reading No Bad Parts, I am really trying to stay away from labels. So, the days go by drip by drip. Still, a lot happened today.

1. Papa is well. I was really upset with him this morning. But as I reflect now, I don't know if I was upset with him or at my own helplessness. Even as I was losing my cool, I could not believe how calm he is. But the fact remains that he is losing his memory and like it or not, I am not able to do much about it. I am operating at my maximum capacity of nervous system equilibrium. But just when you think you can't manage more, life does expand your capacity. So, really grateful for that. Papa is well and now fed and happy.

2. We went for a movie today, "Goat" at my favourite cinema hall, PVR Lido opposite SNDT college. We reached early. There was a private screening of the same movie going on for a bunch of kids...maybe 5 or 6 year olds. So cute and noisy! Papa was quite intrigued with this whole new world where stylish event managers handled return gifts of children, arranged for drop-offs and such. The movie is quite well made but I thought the emotional core was a little lacking. But Papa was seeing a movie after 4 years or so. So he was quite pleased with the experience.

3. We went to Dosa Dosa on Juhu for an after-movie snack. Papa had a ragi ghee dosa. I was fasting so I did not eat anything. But it looked like a really nice place and I would love to try it out someday.

4. We went to Nariman Point to enjoy the sunset. And I really wanted Papa to take a walk. Papa was so happy with the Coastal Road! That's a joy...to see him happy and mesmerized with these things. He looks so cute! Nariman Point is such a rhapsody. It can make a crowd and cluster of random people look like a cinematic ensemble. The haze is really strong now. But still...when the lights come on after the sun goes down... it's like polished diamonds adorning a gracious empress, one at a time.

5. Ate kadhi-chaawal in the evening. I just love that. 

I know that I am trying to avoid facing up to a truth...my father may never remember this day. (I quizzed him about a few facts today. He remembered a few details and forgot a few others.) God forbid but there may even come a time when he does not remember me. So I am just grateful that I have the option to write and record these things. Granted...all this is like building castles in the sand. And tomorrow the waves of the ocean of Time will erase it all out. But...until then, the heart is grateful for Saturdays like this when it all came together for a father and a daughter in a large city. 

Day 82 of 108

 I am tired but a little relieved. I think I can take one day off in the coming week. Let's see how that goes. Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I was so upset with him this morning. He just doesn't listen sometime.

2. Had an interesting conversation with my boss. 

3. Got through two calls today.

4. Managed to keep a fast today.

5. Felt sick but Papa soothed me down.

Day 81 of 108

 Well, we are done. A whole day spent but not much got done. But a lot got discussed and we will notch that down to one type of existence. Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Managed to keep a fast today. 

3. Really enjoyed my cortado at Boojee.

4. Survived a work day.

5. Liked my star-splattered dress from nearly 10 years ago.

Day 80 of 108

It was an okay day. A lot on my plate but much got done. Of course, much remains. 

to be done as well. There is a lot of exhaustion and loose ends. A couple of spats exist. 

Here are a few things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Got through the day.

3. Got through a couple of calls. Did not like how they went. But calls began and they ended.

4. Tried to get an ex-colleague a job. It was not a good experience...to see the humungous amount of pain someone earnest has to go through. And now I really do wonder if getting older is the bane that it is. What do you do if you get older and don't have a livelihood? That is painful. And scary. So am grateful for having the resources I do - not just the work I have but the options to help out someone.

5. Today, the cook had made really tasty food! The karela fry was yummy! With rice and yellow daal, it was the perfect meal.

Day 79 of 108

I am so tired and weary but today, oddly, am not bereft of hope. The eclipse happened and I managed to keep a fast. So there is that. Now, I pray that whatever happens, I get some steadiness in my field.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. We went for an impromptu night ride to Mount Mary. He climbed up to the Basilica and looked so pleased with himself!

2. Both help came today.

3. I got Arabian pudding from Pakeeza, which Papa really liked.

4. Finished a video storyboard today.

5. Ordered for masala pav from Amrut Sagar. Gosh! So tasty! Broke my fast with that. Really happy!

Day 78 of 108

I deserve a medal for how much resistance I have pushed through today. It was a reasonably slow day workwise. I started reading Shy by Max Porter. Am finding it a tad hard to follow. But will continue.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I was upset with him because he went out without finishing his protein shake and taking his meds. But thankfully he came back at night and is now fed and fine.

2. Cook and help - both came today. I really can't take this for granted. So so grateful for being able to afford help.

3. Completed a draft of a storyboard. There is some sense of accomplishment.

4. Had electricity and running water.

5. Enjoyed the dosa etc. in the morning. I overate today. Lots. Stress eating. It's okay. Goes to show I have food. And really grateful for that. 

Day 77 of 108

Today, so many unexpected things happened. But thus far have managed to keep the Shivratri fast. Thank you Shivji! Grateful. Of course, nearly 8 more hours to go. But let's see. I have made it thus far.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Had a really nice chat with him this evening.

2. Our car lift stopped working so we couldn't take the car out. The driver I had called waited around for a couple of hours and left. I had to pay him still. So that was money spent for nothing. But at least we were not in the lift when that happened. So really grateful for that. 

3. I had to let go of a play I had booked tickets for nearly 2 months ago. And they were expensive tickets too. But couldn't leave Papa. I am just grateful that I was able to put this down to God's will instead of dwelling.

4. Really enjoyed Helene Turnsten's book, "An Elderly Lady is up to no good'. There is equal amounts of peace and drama here. 

5. Went to the close by temple with Papa. That was special...this making of new memories. 

6. Caught up with a friend and we hung out at Bandstand. Little pockets of peace and friendship should be collected. 

Day 76 of 108

I was exhausted beyond belief. Slept off. It was a mixed bag today. Slept a lot. But here go a bunch of things:

1. Papa is well. Got angry and upset but we sorted ourselves out a little. Papa is always vety calm but I sorted myself out a little.

2. Papa and I went to Kitchen Garden by Suzette in Juhu. It is not as good as the one in Bandra. The service was chaotic. The microwave was not working. But we had a good late breakfast and it was good. The vegan carrot cake was especially excellent! Even though they could not warm it up.

3. Papa and I had a good conversation in the evening. These are the things that nourish me at times.

4. I got a driver for a day. So after ages I went to Palladium and bought a lot of stuff from Muji and a couple of things from Uniqlo.

5. Really grateful that I had money to indulge myself a little bit now. 

6. Went to Prithvi theatre and bought some books from their bookstore. I love that bookstore so much!

Day 75 of 108

 Today again was a tough day and extremely emotionally charged. I am just not getting time to unwind. There is so much energy in me and I have not worked out in ages. My regular to-do list has 65 items. And that is not even before I get to work. No...it must be said...I am stretched thin. But let's see...I am being forged by things. 

I had enrolled in some chakra class that I could not attend regularly because of calls and stuff. But I need to listen to recordings and make notes. 

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Today was a day of difficult conversations between us. But I don't feel too badly about it. It's time for a churn. And these kinds of times are never easy.

2. A book that I had ordered got delivered today.

3. Managed to keep almost keep a fast.

4. Had a chat with a friend. Haven't heard from him in ages.

5. Got through the day. Am done.

Day 74 of 108

 Very very tired today. But to keep things unbroken, I will write my gratitude list today. Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Went to meet a colleague today. It was good fun!

3. Had an important call today.

4. Went for dinner to Alfredo's. It was nice.

5. Had a good chat with Papa.

6. Went for a walk on the beach.

Day 73 of 108

It was a very frustrating day. But if I keep my frustration aside for a little bit, I find it amazing how much of life's patterns repeat themselves. Same triggers. Same pain. Same reaction. The situation does not change. In fact, it will keep repeating again and again. They say awareness breaks the links. I have not displayed this level of awareness. But maybe in time, I will. 

Here are a few things that I am grateful for today:

1. Papa is well. I brought him 'The Week' today and he was reading it so happily.

2. Had a really good chat with a friend.

3. Managed to make it for a client call today despite interruptions. 

4. Completed the last of a batch of documents. It was exhausting - just getting each one out. But I became aware of just how resistant I was. Awareness is difficult. It is tough. 

5. Managed to go to the church. Happened to encounter a sweet, grateful homeless person. How did he get to where he is? I often wonder about the homeless. What all has their nervous system gone through? I have a home. An address. If I stew in my shit, there is some space. What if that wasn't there? What would eye contact with me look like? It gave me a lot to think about. 

6. Enjoyed the bhel.

7. Water problem continues in Bandra. But building made some arrangement and we got water.