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 The heart opening, heart clearing, and heart healing is a shit-storm. It really and truly is a shit storm. The ache and pain that emerged is immense. And then I got really pissed off at a friend. Of course he was not the reason. The real reason was something crusty and painful that rose up is why this tired old memory and experience is in a loop. Still, there were a few moments when I did feel something disappearing, diffusing, dissolving. It's like...how you crack through some candy squares in Candy Crush. 

It was Kaalratri and I will do some deep meditation after I finish the blog. But I loved preparing this thaal of light and place it in front of a little light. It felt symbolic of all the multitudes of selves worshipping the elevated part of their own Self.

Now, in the spirit of honesty...and am assuming that being honest is core to opening the heart chakra, I will now talk about the people I was violent with. I too have abused and hit people (several actually.) Some of them were not in positions to strike back. (I am not counting the people who transgressed and tried to harm me. Then I acted out of self-defence.) But the other times when I could have chosen to leave the room, stick to shouting, see the other person's point of view, etc., I hit. I do feel deep remorse about it. And it hasn't happened again. But it did. And I think the exercise in opening the heart would maybe include accepting this bit also. 

Another reason I think it is important to write about this (for me) is that maybe that's why I myself out up with crap as well. Because I know how painful and ghoulish that kind of anger it can be. One is demonic. One reason I really liked Animal (and why I had liked Arjun Reddy) is how this emotion was understood. Understood. Not maybe portrayed. I think Sandeep Reddy Vanga understands how fierce one may want to avoid feeling helpless. So much so that you will destroy what you have just for a sense of agency. And anger in one sense has a spiritual dimension because when you are that angry, you are beyond gender. When you are in that kind of pain, you are beyond any attribute. 

Still. Violence is not okay.

Here are all the things I am grateful for (things that remind me that Life deemed me worthy of such precious things):

1. Papa is well. He sounded happy when I spoke with him.

2. Enjoyed my rajgira roti with potato bhaaji.

3. Enjoyed coffee at Starbucks with a friend.

4. Cleaned One shelf of my cupboard. Found a few treasures I had forgotten about.

5. A surreal incident happened at home. Won't write about it just yet. But I have the feeling that I am protected.