It has been in my mind for some time now to live with an open heart. To live with a more loving heart. It doesn't matter with who or what - just have a more gentle, pink-tinted, soft and fuzzy heart towards everyone - strangers, people, friends, and enemies. The last time I had meditated on my heart chakra, I had seen something dark and hard - like granite. But that was necessary as well. Some idiotic men were calling me names, some people not paying me my dues after I had worked for them, etc. But now I don't want to gatekeep this spring of love. It's not just about loving the people who love you back or your 'special circle'. I now intend to develop a heart that is present and kind and true and honest and loving.
Now that I have been contemplating on it, I realize that the love never really goes anywhere. It is just blocked by expectations. (I make it sound like a new or original idea but it's not like that. It's as if something cracked and thunderbolted in me a while ago when I was in the gym looking out to an empty street getting pounded by rain.) I would like to now seriously make the effort to live without expectations. And also to live independent of what types of expectations people have of me. Those two things will be very hard, I understand. And considering how rigid and unforgiving I get about a few things, these two things will be really tough. But I feel it will be worth it.
Imagine having a heart that can do anything for a look...that can go any distance for a smile....that can give up all things precious for a hug - imagine if one becomes a person like that. It doesn't matter if you 'get' love or not if you have become capable of it. To have a heart that can love everything unconditionally - that's a good aim or goal to have.
Now, one of the things that I struggle with is forgiveness. And because writing helps me process my feelings and navigate my life or infuse meaning and method to my madness and mania, I will write about a man I was in a relationship with a long time ago and it was abusive and toxic. I have not been able to forgive him. I have not been able to forgive myself for putting up with what I did. I wasn't born or brought up to be some dude's plaything. But I became that. And I don't think I have forgiven myself for that now.
But today, when I went to Ma Kali's temple, I sensed something shift inside me. That I will write and unknot this hard, sharp pain I have carried for so long. I will let him and myself free.
So here are a few things that I learned from him:
1. The most important thing was that he had told me about the Kali temple in Vashi. It's a lovely, cozy small, teeny temple in Sector 6. And unlike Ma Lakshmi or any other goddess, Ma Kali's temple is usually empty and peaceful. I have always been fond of Ma Kali since I was a child. And I never found her scary or difficult. It could be because I too, had/ have a temper and a tempestuous mood but I always imagined her as a little girl. (I later learned that Ramakrishna Paramhansa also saw Ma like that.)
2. He was in Sales, and that is a group of people I generally could not relate to - what I perceived as bravado, unnecessary talk, the incessant flirting and small talk with potential clients. A lot of things that I found superficial, immoral, and disingenuous was what he would do on a routine basis. I also heard a lot of strange put-downs about writers and writing (what I did). That would make me defensive and angry. Not to mention sad. But it did, interestingly, help me with some important work later on.
I got an inside peek into how salespeople are prone to think. It is a department that is largely binary in terms of win or lose - either you meet a target or not. In India, at least, sales still seem to be a lot more about personality than process - so the way you look, your partner looks, your house looks, your car smells - is important. So if your partner sits there with chipped nail paint while your colleague's wife or girlfriend has the latest blush lacquer on - maybe you see it as a threat to your future promotion.
It is a role that is soaked in rejection. From morning to night, they may hear a ton of 'Nos' or 'Maybe's' that convert into 'Nos' or 'Yes-es but not now' the whole day. Unless there is some emotional resilience, the ego does become very fragile.
So, at the time, I had started working on a sales training course. It was supposed to be a routine course with a few sales tactics blended into a simulation. But because by that time, I knew what I knew, I developed a short module on authenticity and healthy self-preservation. That was a big hit. It was the most amount of money I have earned in the shortest amount of time developing the material I did.
3. When the toxicity started, that's when I started reading a lot more and trying to figure out what was keeping me tied to the man. I would walk up 18 floors in Noida just so I could delay going up and entering the house. To date, I don't know why I did it. I could have walked out at any point. I could have retaliated at any point. I was earning - more than him. I was self-sufficient. I had/ have a very supportive family. Still. I think I left the night something happened, and in my pain, I imagined that if my daughter were in the same position as me, would I expect her to stay? Absolutely not.
And I could not be the hypocritcal mother who would tell her daughter to be brave when I myself was a wuss. I think I am just really grateful for that experience when I encountered just how tight the chains of the mind can be. They actually are stronger and tighter than anything else. But you can slip past them and escape but if you don't really smash them, they can sneak up and close in on you again. (And I left for the well-being of a daughter I don't have. The imagination is a very strong thing.)
Well, there we have it. For today, the heart opened up just this much to allow myself to forgive the man for this. I don't know if a 100% forgiveness will be possible soon...but I am willing to release the pain and shame now. It's time.
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