Sketch snacks

 

All images from Pinterest. 

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I am feeling so sick. Something about that gym is not okay with me now. I just feel some dark energies on my head. My head and shoulders are so heavy. I don't know. I feel I get nazar some evenings when I go there. Anyway, day was good. Here are a few things that I sketched today. All references from Pinterest. And this is what I am grateful for - also that Papa is well.

 

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 The heart opening, heart clearing, and heart healing is a shit-storm. It really and truly is a shit storm. The ache and pain that emerged is immense. And then I got really pissed off at a friend. Of course he was not the reason. The real reason was something crusty and painful that rose up is why this tired old memory and experience is in a loop. Still, there were a few moments when I did feel something disappearing, diffusing, dissolving. It's like...how you crack through some candy squares in Candy Crush. 

It was Kaalratri and I will do some deep meditation after I finish the blog. But I loved preparing this thaal of light and place it in front of a little light. It felt symbolic of all the multitudes of selves worshipping the elevated part of their own Self.

Now, in the spirit of honesty...and am assuming that being honest is core to opening the heart chakra, I will now talk about the people I was violent with. I too have abused and hit people (several actually.) Some of them were not in positions to strike back. (I am not counting the people who transgressed and tried to harm me. Then I acted out of self-defence.) But the other times when I could have chosen to leave the room, stick to shouting, see the other person's point of view, etc., I hit. I do feel deep remorse about it. And it hasn't happened again. But it did. And I think the exercise in opening the heart would maybe include accepting this bit also. 

Another reason I think it is important to write about this (for me) is that maybe that's why I myself out up with crap as well. Because I know how painful and ghoulish that kind of anger it can be. One is demonic. One reason I really liked Animal (and why I had liked Arjun Reddy) is how this emotion was understood. Understood. Not maybe portrayed. I think Sandeep Reddy Vanga understands how fierce one may want to avoid feeling helpless. So much so that you will destroy what you have just for a sense of agency. And anger in one sense has a spiritual dimension because when you are that angry, you are beyond gender. When you are in that kind of pain, you are beyond any attribute. 

Still. Violence is not okay.

Here are all the things I am grateful for (things that remind me that Life deemed me worthy of such precious things):

1. Papa is well. He sounded happy when I spoke with him.

2. Enjoyed my rajgira roti with potato bhaaji.

3. Enjoyed coffee at Starbucks with a friend.

4. Cleaned One shelf of my cupboard. Found a few treasures I had forgotten about.

5. A surreal incident happened at home. Won't write about it just yet. But I have the feeling that I am protected. 

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                                                        Pic.ref.: Photo by Pixabay: https://www.pexels.com/photo/lamp-with-smoke-248032/

 It has been in my mind for some time now to live with an open heart. To live with a more loving heart. It doesn't matter with who or what - just have a more gentle, pink-tinted, soft and fuzzy heart towards everyone - strangers, people, friends, and enemies. The last time I had meditated on my heart chakra, I had seen something dark and hard - like granite. But that was necessary as well. Some idiotic men were calling me names, some people not paying me my dues after I had worked for them, etc. But now I don't want to gatekeep this spring of love. It's not just about loving the people who love you back or your 'special circle'. I now intend to develop a heart that is present and kind and true and honest and loving. 

Now that I have been contemplating on it, I realize that the love never really goes anywhere. It is just blocked by expectations. (I make it sound like a new or original idea but it's not like that. It's as if something cracked and thunderbolted in me a while ago when I was in the gym looking out to an empty street getting pounded by rain.) I would like to now seriously make the effort to live without expectations. And also to live independent of what types of expectations people have of me. Those two things will be very hard, I understand. And considering how rigid and unforgiving I get about a few things, these two things will be really tough. But I feel it will be worth it. 

Imagine having a heart that can do anything for a look...that can go any distance for a smile....that can give up all things precious for a hug - imagine if one becomes a person like that. It doesn't matter if you 'get' love or not if you have become capable of it. To have a heart that can love everything unconditionally - that's a good aim or goal to have.

Now, one of the things that I struggle with is forgiveness. And because writing helps me process my feelings and navigate my life or infuse meaning and method to my madness and mania, I will write about a man I was in a relationship with a long time ago and it was abusive and toxic. I have not been able to forgive him. I have not been able to forgive myself for putting up with what I did. I wasn't born or brought up to be some dude's plaything. But I became that. And I don't think I have forgiven myself for that now.

But today, when I went to Ma Kali's temple, I sensed something shift inside me. That I will write and unknot this hard, sharp pain I have carried for so long. I will let him and myself free.

So here are a few things that I learned from him:

1. The most important thing was that he had told me about the Kali temple in Vashi. It's a lovely, cozy small, teeny temple in Sector 6. And unlike Ma Lakshmi or any other goddess, Ma Kali's temple is usually empty and peaceful. I have always been fond of Ma Kali since I was a child. And I never found her scary or difficult. It could be because I too, had/ have a temper and a tempestuous mood but I always imagined her as a little girl. (I later learned that Ramakrishna Paramhansa also saw Ma like that.) 

2. He was in Sales, and that is a group of people I generally could not relate to - what I perceived as bravado, unnecessary talk, the incessant flirting and small talk with potential clients. A lot of things that I found superficial, immoral, and disingenuous was what he would do on a routine basis. I also heard a lot of strange put-downs about writers and writing (what I did). That would make me defensive and angry. Not to mention sad. But it did, interestingly, help me with some important work later on. 

I got an inside peek into how salespeople are prone to think. It is a department that is largely binary in terms of win or lose - either you meet a target or not. In India, at least, sales still seem to be a lot more about personality than process - so the way you look, your partner looks, your house looks, your car smells - is important. So if your partner sits there with chipped nail paint while your colleague's wife or girlfriend has the latest blush lacquer on - maybe you see it as a threat to your future promotion. 

It is a role that is soaked in rejection. From morning to night, they may hear a ton of 'Nos' or 'Maybe's' that convert into 'Nos' or 'Yes-es but not now' the whole day. Unless there is some emotional resilience, the ego does become very fragile. 

So, at the time, I had started working on a sales training course. It was supposed to be a routine course with a few sales tactics blended into a simulation. But because by that time, I knew what I knew, I developed a short module on authenticity and healthy self-preservation. That was a big hit. It was the most amount of money I have earned in the shortest amount of time developing the material I did.

3. When the toxicity started, that's when I started reading a lot more and trying to figure out what was keeping me tied to the man. I would walk up 18 floors in Noida just so I could delay going up and entering the house. To date, I don't know why I did it. I could have walked out at any point. I could have retaliated at any point. I was earning - more than him. I was self-sufficient. I had/ have a very supportive family. Still. I think I left the night something happened, and in my pain, I imagined that if my daughter were in the same position as me, would I expect her to stay? Absolutely not. 

And I could not be the hypocritcal mother who would tell her daughter to be brave when I myself was a wuss. I think I am just really grateful for that experience when I encountered just how tight the chains of the mind can be. They actually are stronger and tighter than anything else. But you can slip past them and escape but if you don't really smash them, they can sneak up and close in on you again. (And I left for the well-being of a daughter I don't have. The imagination is a very strong thing.)

Well, there we have it. For today, the heart opened up just this much to allow myself to forgive the man for this. I don't know if a 100% forgiveness will be possible soon...but I am willing to release the pain and shame now. It's time.

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 I have not been feeling grounded today. Felt and floated my way through the whole day. Anyway, a quick round-up of what I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Went to the gym today. The first time in 2 months chatted with someone. Got some interesting resources. I got a Hindi version of Laal Kitaab that was interesting. That is definitely something I would like to learn. And it would be definitely good to go back to Hindi again. 

3. Enjoyed the food I had so far. The fasting is difficult but we have hit the halfway mark here.

4. Met my friend after many days in the gym. He told me something interesting about AI. It's confidential, so I can't share it here. But I learned something.

5. Had a good chat with someone at work. Sometimes the way you connect is the way you connect. 

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The heart has been feeling very heavy and my stomach quite knotted. The chakras are fairly imbalanced. There is something strange about these 9 days of Navratri. I am observing the fast so I am not sure if a lot of what I feel is a result of abstaining from grains...after all, food is memory and when you stay away from the regular, it creates space for some other stuff to emerge. (I am typing on my phone and I have no idea why this is all getting center-aligned. Must be the pictures. It's okay. This is what we will work with. I have lit the lights on the Christmas tree and also lit a couple of candles. Did a little bit of meditation earlier and will wind down with some more later. It was tough at work and it promises to be a rough ride for the immediate future as well. Still, to remind oneself of a season of quietness is a high-order duty.)

Anyway, here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I spoke with him today. As of today, it remains sweetest sound in the world...the cheery way he says "Hello!"

2. Cook had made sabudana khichdi with roasted peanuts. That's gotta be good.

3. Missed gym but had a deep nap. Was feeling a little weak. Feel better now.

4. I finished my first draft and one round of revisions on time.

5. Managed to go for a couple of meetings without cancelling them.

6. The blog seems to have really taken off! This month has seen a 300% increase in stats over last month. And the month is not yet over. I don't know why or how this is happening. The numbers do point to a glitch in algorithm or something. But whatever it is. Feels good. 

 

 

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Rough, tough, but sweet confounding days. Went to the gym yesterday but did not go today. Heart has been feeling heavy. Back of the neck hurts. Periods are on, so there's that. 

I wrote something on LinkedIn. Reposted that content in the post before this.

Realised I am quite indisciplined. Feeling unmotivated regarding a few things like doing prayers and meditation, when this really is the time to lock down on it. But I do think of Ma. But in the same way as the other days. I was hoping to be more stringent this Navratri but it's okay. As Tolkien said, "Little by little, one goes far."

Here are a few things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I had called but couldn't speak with him. However no frantic calls from home, so it must be all good. Will try again tomorrow but for today, we say thanks for peace.

2. Managed to stick to my fast today.

3. Managed to complete a few loose end-type tasks today at work.

4. I wrote out a piece for LinkedIn and I feel good that irrespective of whatever feedback I get on LinkedIn (or otherwise), I keep writing.

5. I have sweet lassi from Pakeeza in the fridge. That's just joy chilling out in bliss and within reach. 

Only the Lonely

(As published on LinkedIn)

(Ref.: Pexels - Photo by Anthony 🙂: https://www.pexels.com/photo/purple-petaled-flower-132422/)

I was listening to a specious radio show on the treadmill (so I was not in my most receptive mood). The show had a panel of people. They must have been very popular because I had not heard of any of them. They were discussing the notion of ‘urban loneliness’. There was a lot of talk around the usual buffet-listings of terms: mental health, breakdown of connection, isolation, and trauma. The solutions offered were heartfelt, earnest, and in my opinion, dangerously vapid. “Go out, make friends, reconnect, expand your circle, sneak into some other circle, etc.”

The solutions themselves aren’t not bad. They will afford some benefit at some point. But I think they (and we) may be misunderstanding a problem and therefore solving something that does not need to be solved. Because loneliness is not a contemporary, urban, 21st-century, post-WW-11, neo-industrialist problem.

It is an existential condition. Always has been. Always will be.

Which human being in what condition has not felt bereft or lonely? And I won’t get into this fine splicing of ‘alone’ and ‘lonely’ etc. I will stick to loneliness. That you are by yourself. You are for yourself. No one else understands you. No one else wants to. That kind of loneliness.

I wonder how long we need to live as a species or how much a population should grow before we realize that the issue we are so hard trying to eradicate is the essence of who we are. Which is why at 8.2 billion, we are still combating loneliness. Because we have come to believe that we must not be. We ought not to be.  (Once in Bangalore, I was working on the pitch deck for a founder. He was from an elite college. We were stuck in traffic from Koramangala to Whitefield. Exasperated, he mentioned quite seriously, “I’m so talented and I graduated from X! Why should I be in traffic?”)


This innocent (at best) and ignorant (at worst) reading of loneliness stems from the exclusion of reading Philosophy as part of our reading. This is why we equate avoidance of loneliness as an absolute goal instead of considering loneliness as a longing for the Absolute (the Platonic perspective) or misplaced dependency (the Stoic perspective). None of our stories or angst is new, special, or unique. People have lived through this, thought through this, and figured this out in different, elegant ways before.

Our drive for connection will be true when we are actually seeking the connection itself, not when we are avoiding something else. What will be the calibre of a connection if the only thing it is based on is a need and urge to escape? That’s not connection. That’s prison break – back into prison.
I have not been invited to any radio-based panel discussion on the subject.

So this is my response to the final question the host asked on the show, “How do we treat loneliness?” My response, “As a friend. Because of all the other emotions, this one has probably proved to be the most loyal of all – always by your side.” hashtag#reflections

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 It was a nice day yesterday. Began with a rough frame of mind but things got better. In no small part to my resolve to not let those same feelings get the better of me. 

I went for a hair spa. Then came home and set up the house for some pooja and journaling. A friend came home and we did some meditation and journaling together. It was a beautiful evening. We had Diet Coke and Maggi and the day ended.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. I have a beautiful, loving home that holds space for both wounds and healing.

3. Have the resources to buy lots of candles. (And Instamart now has tons of them.)

4. Had food, water, and electricity.

5. Maggi and Diet Coke are excellent combinations for a rainy night with a friend. Enjoyed well.

6. The weather was luscious!

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 I don't know. May be the Amavasya energy or something but it is really painful. I am waiting out of the building for a friend. She said she was picking me up in an Uber and I see tons of yellow license plates cruise past. A lady just walked by wearing an interesting salwaar kameez in black with silver sequinned horizontal stripes. 

Okay. Disjointed post. I hadn't registered for the independent film so we couldn't get in. Felt really guilty because my friend was really looking forward to seeing it. But we went to Colaba causeway after. Uff! The stuff there - especially the accessories! Gorgeous! I got a really interesting neckpiece - like a coiled snake that I want to wear soon. Should I wear it to work? Maybe. On a Friday. 

Anyway, heavy day. I need to write down a few things and make a curriculum for self and all that. I woke up today with a sense of pain and deep overwhelm. I want to get rid of a lot of things in the house and have one room empty. But it is hard. However, I want to at least use as many things as possible. Starting with the clothes. I think now I won't care about fancy things or occasions. Have clothes. Will wear. However it may seem. So time for a saree tomorrow or some low cut top and short skirt or some such. Then sit and work on a content outline. 

Anyway, here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Enjoyed lunch in Vashi. Cook had made a simple accompaniment of onions, dried red chillies and mustard oil (raw). Went so well with rice. She had also made palak paneer. That was also awesome.

3. Am safe.

4. Had a nice dinner at Jia in Colaba. Pan-Asian cuisine.

5. Managed to do the Ma Kali temple visit.

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 Not good days. Feeling sad and heart feels heavy. Ironically now I am finding it slightly easier to identify all the smaller moments in the day that led up to this penultimate or ultimate point of blue. I think working out is definitely helping...not just in feeling happier (because that is not the case today) but in assisting the investigation of strange weird sadness.

Still, one can and will find things to be grateful for. Here's my list:

1. Papa is well.

2. I cooked today and it was good. The cleaning lady had taken leave. I think next month on, I will cook something every week.

3. Wasn't feeling like it but went to the gym and did a full workout.

4. An uncle in my building completed 96 years. We celebrated his birthday today and it was lovely. We got cake, chips, dhokla, aaloo wada, and bun. Yummy. Their family also gave a goody bag with chivda, stationery, etc. in it. The bag is really pretty. It's a gorgeous yellow satin bag with Krishna's fingers playing the flute.

5. I have a sweet, cozy home. 

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Wasn't feeling too well today so took leave. This is sickening. 

Started feeling a little better in the evening.Had slurpy khichdi with lots of garlic, some paneer, etc. Then had masala potato wafers with some thick sweet lassi. Oh, it was divine! Lays really is the best potato chip manufacturer. I like Plain Salted best, followed by the Caribbean slightly sweet one. But I had bought this masala one in a bind and it was gorgeous!

Had a good workout at the gym. Maintained a steady incline of 16 at the treadmill and a resistance of 18 on the cycle. Legs feel good and strong. I love my legs. I love legs in general. I love that you can just use them and go anywhere. I love walking. I. LOVE WALKING!

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Haven't spoken to him but no strange messages or panicked calls. So, there's peace.

2. Really enjoyed my food today. Such joy!

3. I had this thought today that we may not be living different days. We are just living days that may be echoes of some sharp day that may have screamed across an abyss of eternity and got heard or registered by our life. And this is what each day is...an echo of whatever happened ages ago. Feels eerie, strange, beautiful.

4. Cleaning lady's baby granddaughter is so tiny and cute. Her stories are really sweet. 

5. Have a home, water in the taps, electricity, and everything else is fine. 

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 A little boy had come to the gym today with his father. Apparently he was crying at home and his father was unable to get away. So he got him. I played with him with the...large ball... don't know what it's called. I sensed he got thirsty so I took him to the cooler and gave him water. He drank peacefully. As he drank the water, I wondered if I should tell him to not take stuff from strangers. But I figured this unsolicited advice would be crossing a line. And maybe the world is filled with kind strangers who will give a child a glass of water. He was so tiny, with his cut-off shorts and yellow sweatshirt. It was fun! Kids are so cute! 

Here are all the things that I am grateful for today:

1. Papa is well.

2. Worked out. Towards the end of the session, it got tired but pushed through. 

3. My cleaning lady shared pictures of her grandchild with a floral bonnet. 

4. I had an interesting rick guy who predicted futures for a living. Said I was destined to be rich and wise.

5. Had tasty food.

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 Things are really weird today. Went to the big gym today and I think I pushed myself a fair bit, so it is okay. 

i want to write about something but I am not sure how to write it. Will not belabor the point. I am suddenly very deeply interested in Ganpati today. A burning interest, not the sweet happy interest I have had forgotten this deity for so long. I find this symbolism of Ganpati beautiful - that it's wisdom that removes obstacles. Not strength. And then it is wisdom that is deeply strong.

Suddenly heart feels full. Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. I have my home. A friend told me to sell this place and I told him not now. But my inside screamed Never. I wonder if it is connected - this interest in Ganpati and this occurrence to leave my house.

3. Heart feels heavy. Grateful because at least it beats and it feels.

4. Had good tofu sautee today.

5. Had wi-fi and electricity. 

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 Rough and tough day. Had a rather heated discussion with a friend about something. Am contemplating whether I should write about it or not. Maybe later. For now, suffice to say that it got me thinking about the construction of identity and how much we hold on to it. And what about religiosity and political identity make them so susceptible to clinginess. Is it because life is so tough that we are looking for ways to be let off the hook? And strands of established identities allow us that more conveniently than others?

Started the day with a massage that was not good. I think Urban Company is losing its touch. 

Raining now. Anyway, here are all the things I am grateful for. And now more than ever I feel it is imperative to stick to this practice, even on days that the going is endlessly rough.

1. Papa is well. Did not speak to him but no frantic urgent calls. So that's cool.

2. Resisted urge to order from out today even though I really felt like a treat.

3. Had heated chats with a couple of friends but it seems we are on a plane of peace today. (At least as of now.)

4. Spoke to another friend and I have a Diwali invitation. Yay! YAY!

5. House looked really clean and beautiful with the cloudy light coming in. Gosh, I love this space so, so much!

6. Walked up Pali Hill to withdraw money and it was such a gorgeous little walk. My heart Just swells with joy when I walk up this path.

7. Really enjoyed the khari twists and the bakery biscuits from Muhammad Ali Road that a friend had bought me. I love those! 

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 1. Watched Roses at the Lido PVR, Juhu. Oh I LOVE that theater! I had gone there for the first time. It was drenched in yellow lights on the outside and it is smallish. I think only 3 or 4 screens, not sure. Each screen has a few seats, they are all massively spread out, and it is just so cozy and lovely! And it's perfect for me. Not as far as Fun and Infinity that I used to visit often, not as local as Globus. Also the Juhu Lido PVR at least promises to screen movies that don't involve people in latex and capes. It really does feel like Goldilocks variant of a theater. 

2. I liked the movie but mainly because of the cast. Honestly I thought the Michael Douglas was better paced and I had been more invested in the story, etc. But then I was young and unmarried. Now I am older and divorced. So am sure there is something to be said of your life affecting your choices. 

3. I was really unwell...have been unwell for a while now. But Friday was particularly bad. I slept off the whole day. Work has been slow so I didn't expect anything to come my way. Turns out those are the days when things do come your way with a tight deadline. I was supposed to complete it by the end of the day but I asked for the first half of Saturday to finish it. I did that. It was good. I like writing video scripts. 

Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I did not meet him because he had gone out. This was a surprise for me - that regular programming has been resumed. I felt a little disappointed but I now see it as a chance to break a pattern for emotional reactions. So, not sure if I did a good job of that. But I tried to do the job. And that is something.

2. I was listening to some music in the auto on the way to Vashi. It was awesome but then there was some problem with the network and my phone stopped working. I thought I would just observe my thoughts. It was a painful cacophony in there! That was crazy. I thought I had much of my thinking under control especially during times when I was peaceful. Turns out,no. It was like watching a jungle of micro-organisms under a microscope. It was fascinating. 

3. When we were going over a bridge, I saw a plane descending to land. It looked so elegant and peaceful. On the other side, there was a dusty lorry with a loud bearded man in henna-colored hair. Sometimes I feel it is quite clear and obvious that we are not living in one reality. It is just not possible. And I don't even mean metaphorically or philosophically. I mean actually. We are, at any moment, stepping on one cobblestone of reality while multiple other realities along different dimensions and timelines and personality multiverse exist. Right then and there. Then you just step to the right or the left or straight ahead. Or even back. Living is like a bit of a hopscotch.

4. Weather was fantastic.

5. Had a great lunch. There was a lot of carbs but that's all good. (I will get onto more protein tomorrow or next month onwards.) But today I had soyabean cutlet, rice, fried chilli, salt, daal,aloo and striped gourd poshto. Awesome! 

6. Reached home safe and sound. The cab guy was going too fast at first but later it was okay. I just love entering my Bandra. I love it so so so much. It's a cozy, peaceful little best lines with love and truth and peace. At least enough of it that the fledgling of gentleness in me is still kept alive while the rest of me turns granite or grey stone. Who knows? One day it will hatch. 

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 I had the loveliest morning. Went for a walk a little late in the morning around 9 am and it felt as if I had discovered sunlight for the first time! Gosh!The sun really is a glorious glorious entity! It sounds strange but I have been active throughout the night so much in my life that this felt like a revelation. Andrew Huberman was right. Getting morning sun is superb! It's effect on the mood and mind is life-altering. I still feel an ache and heaviness but I see it with some detachment. Rather I felt this detachment as iwas taking the bend towards Carter Road. I love, love, LOVE Bandra. And this morning it looked like a baby that had woken up with a smile! 

I tried out this cafe Jaago on Carter Road and it was so perfect for work! Empty, clean with glorious foliage and a good enough cup of Americano but really little. 

Went to the gym for some stretches in the evening and it was good.

My cleaning lady did not come today because she had to go to her daughter's mother in law's funeral. She will be back tomorrow night. But today I had called a guy to do pest control in the house and all the stuff in the kitchen was removed and put in the living room. He was contracted to only remove the dishes, not put them back. So now my living room is filled with kitchen stuff.

I am alarmed with the amount of things I have. So.much.stuff. That too for the kitchen. Can you imagine?!

I was really tempted to order food from out but I decided to not do it. I have been thinking that next month on I will need to live frugally so I should work om the discipline to not order take-out. And also, take public transport as much as possible. 

It is hard to manage the logistics of a lot of things. Not hard. Tedious 

Anyway, all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Spoke with him.

2. I cooked rice with haldi, salt, and clove. Can't say if it is because I was cooking for the first time this year or whether the dush was good...but it turned out really tasty.

3. Enjoyed my morning ever so much. I even borrowed a pen from a patron and sketches a bit.

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 Living with a full ache. Today I did not go to the gym and felt like reaching out to people. Started with a trip to the tailor. Gave my favourite pair of Zara denims for the tailor to mend. The fabric at the seams was fraying. Wore my fire engine red shirt with my grey skirt. I quite love that look. I have a red lipstick from Sugar - it is a kind of a chilli pepper red that is gorgeous. 

Then called up a friend from Pune and we talked about ghosts. He sent me a horror film.

Then went over to my neighbour's house where I met her mother and had lovely homemade cold coffee. She looked healthy.

Then went out with a friend. That was nice. Bandstand is just so nourishing!

Read and article that I found idiotic: https://bymanujoseph.com/2025/08/16/about-insulting-men-for-not-reading-novels/

Just because you are an author of some reputed, you start drenching biases in broad strokes and call it social commentary? So now penalize people (women) for having a preference for men who read? Anyway his perspective. It's quite parochial though.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Got really good onions from Farmers Market. They were expensive but really good.

3. Got through a workday without losing my cool.

4. Had tasty food yesterday. Cook stewed some fruits with jaggery and used them as a spread on toast as a compote. Nice!

5. Conversation with a friend went well.

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 I had a dream but I am not sure if it was a dream or something crossed over...because I still remember it vividly. Opposite my building, there is a building under construction. Last night, it was an eclipse so I was praying - after a long and sad night of trying to work through something. So I don't remember if I was praying or meditating or had drifted off to sleep early morning. But I sensed I saw that in my dream. There are large tin barricades in the building under construction. I saw a thin woman in a blue t-shirt and tights - with dead eyes, she looked like a zombie, move the two sheets of the barricade aside and climb out of some dug up groove and cross the road to come to my building. Her eyes were dead but they were looking at me. Her face is really vivid and it has been over 10 hours of my waking up, but I still see it. 

What could it mean? But maybe I will pray on it and ask her what she wants me to know. But something should stop in Bandra - this digging up should stop. I think we are dislodging some graves and some unrest is happening.

Based on my understanding of dream interpretation, here is my reading:

1. Eclipses are times when the 'veil' between this world and the next are thin. The underconstruction sites, dug up grounds, and the barricades could suggest that this is the veil that was opening.

2. The lady looking at me, even though she was the undead or a spirit, wanted to be seen. Maybe that's why I got the sense that maybe she was not so much haunting but asking me to take also acknowledge her in my ancestral prayers. Not sure if she was my ancestor or like in the Haunting of Hill House, I was seeing my own undead version in the future. (In that EXCELLENT series, one little girl sees a dead girl hanging from the ceiling or some such. It's her in the future. As an aside - so, even after all of the years after being dead and all, I am still in Bandra? Awesome!) But it just is good sense to pray for your own departed soul when one is still living. Actually, part of us is  dying every day anyway - cells, etc. May as well acknowledge that - all that lived memory gone.

3. That shade of blue - I think there is something there. I am not sure what significance or symbolism it is - it is an ordinary blue. Could it be Mother Mary's background blue (now that Bandra Fair will begin on September 14th)? But something about that blue is regular, working-class, and all.

4. The expression had purpose. That is the one thing that struck me - that I reckon that she was a ghost with dead eyes but they still registered an expression. (Now as I type this, I am a little scared.) Could that somehow mean that even after one dies, the purpose lives on? Or that unless I fill my purpose, I will meet that fate? Or one of my ancestors had died without fulfilling her fate and that's what I want to know? The last one could be it. 

Anyway, moving on to more mundane things. Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He sounded hearty and happy.

2. Work was okay. 

3. Made the decision to not go to the fancy gym from today. But went to the building gym and got a workout done.

4. Had some hash browns today.

5. Had rice and daal. Went to the drug store and got Diet Coke. Now that the gym is out, I think I will need to consciously get out of the house. 

506 of 534

Not wearing spectacles as I type this and it is feeling a tad uncomfortable. I don't know. This eclipse has been rough. A lot of heavy emotions seem to be surfacing. I am also getting a knot in my stomach. The feeling should go away I guess.

Anyway, even in the midst of strange unease, here are a few things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I didn't speak to him but there were no frantic calls. So that's good.

2. It was my friend's daughter's birthday. She turned six. Spoke with her and she told me about the cat that visits her. 

3. Went to an alumni meeting of sorts. It was an interesting experience.

4. Weather was nice today.

5. Went to the salon and had nails painted purple and shampooed and set my hair. Felt good and I thought I looked quite polished.

6. Wore heels after ages! It was uncomfortable but heels Just make you feel as if you are going places. At least that's how it is with me. I feel as if I have taken on a new personality that is far more put together.

7. I started reading the Vishnu Sahasranam today and came across a very interesting practice described in the book - Nyasa. (This Vishnu Sahasranam is published by the Chinmayanand Mission). Nyasa is like a spiritual tattoo. Using certain mudras you touch certain points in the body such as the crown of the head, the lips, etc. Each part you touch is establishing Vishnu in your body such that your body actually is getting set and positioned as a temple. You even end this practice by touching your own feet, so you are finally generating yourself. The whole idea is to blur the distinction between the worshipper, the god being worshipped, and the practice of worship itself. Wonderful explanation. It came with the caveat that this was mainly practiced in the South.

This much is good for now. 

505 of 534

It was one sort of day...the day of the big Visarjan. I had to go to Vashi and the plan was to leave early and return early but I was meeting a friend. So...I left in the afternoon and reached home a little late. Went to the temple, just quickly checked in on Papa and had tea, and then went off to meet my friend.

She treated me to Pani Puri and a yummy Bombay masala veg toast at Prashant Corner. Then we went to her really pretty place and we had coffee and stuff there. It was lovely!

Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Had the resources for creature comforts such as a cab, a rick ride home, etc.

3. Friend gifted me a gorgeous sequinned dress. Looking forward to wearing it 

4. Controlled the impulse to spend.

5. Had nice soya chunks and rice for dinner.

504 of 534

 It was not a very good day yesterday. I am tired but didn't accomplish much. That seems to be the theme of September. I am not liking something. Mind is too scattered and I am not able to pin myself down to something. I am not able to get myself in gear and I don't know what is bothering me so much. But something is.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Spoke with him. He has started stepping out. That is a cause for concern but I am glad that he is trying to return to his normal life.

2. I went to the gym and did a lot of treadmill on a really high incline. Feels good.

3. Am safe.

4. Tofu scramble was great. Made at home.

5. Enjoyed wearing a pink-maroon saree this morning.

503 of 534

Anger is on the rise. Am not feeling too good but can handle it. Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Had a good stretching session in the gym.

3. Wrote a tough message to a friend - tough because I wanted to explain my stance. It was a frank message. But I think we may have sorted things out.

4. Got a rickshaw quickly.

5. Had a nice dinner with rice, daal, potatoes and hung curd. 

The city in you

 (As posted on LinkedIn)

The City in You

It was a rainy day and my first day at St. Xavier’s. I was traveling by train for the first time. Mom (and I) had wanted to travel by car but my father had insisted that I take the train. Second class that too. He’d told me that there was no point in studying in the city if I didn’t see how the other people living in the city travelled to work as well. I was scared. Those days, Bandra station was really a no man’s land. You got tickets from a tiny hole in the wall. It was a cardboard rectangle of paper – perpetually damp, God knows from what, that had nothing legible on it. Whether it was Churchgate or Charni Road – you couldn’t really tell from the ‘type’ – just the cost of the ticket. The platform numbers weren’t written. I didn’t know that ‘Fast’ and ‘Slow’ locals did not refer to speed as much as the number of stations a train stopped at. (This also translates into lesser time taken to reach the destination but anyhow…) Then the journeys started – the crowd, the pushing, the strange camaraderie that developed with the women who would travel in the same train at the same time – that look of recognition, that smile of familiarity, and the melting away into the crowd. The purse being pick-pocketed at Kurla station and the night at the station master’s office in Kurla (where Kurla looked like something out of a Victor Hugo novel – dark, labrynthian, meat shops with carcasses of goats and large slabs of meat on the tables), the tedium of waiting for cancelled trains, the sights of filth when you stand by the train but then – in that filth, you see a strange, beautiful purple flower blooming from a cracked wall. It was all walled and balled inside me - the fear and the frustration – and what inevitably follows both these feelings – freedom.

After a long, long time, I had to take the train again – this time to Vashi. I took a train after nearly 15 years. At first, it was all very overwhelming and scary. The resistance was deep and walled-up – that I should not have to get back here. This is what I worked so hard to escape from. But it was a beautiful afternoon – cool and grey. Bandra station was reasonably empty. I sat and finished a rather dull thriller that everybody had raved about, played with a cute child who was tugging at my shirt, chatted with a woman who asked me about my chipped mail paint – and just like that, I was home.

I get the strange feeling that something will shift in my life soon that will require me to start again – a prospect I want to avoid at this age and stage. But given that I was to avoid it is how I know its inevitability. The safe house is the spot to vacate. And it’s important to carry that part of the world with you that represents all the pieces you can pick up to start over again. In my case, it’s the Mumbai local. 

502 of 534

 Went to the gym today and it was a good sesh. I really pushed myself today and the stretching that followed was beautiful. A gym is a nice place though. I never quite liked it but to be in the midst of people (at the time I go, it's all men) who are really pushing their limits gives a strong impetus to do the same. 

Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is getting better.

2. Had a nice, sweet drive up and down Carter Road with a friend.

3. Really enjoyed the gulab jamuns and parathas. Gulab jamuns were from Annapurna.

4. Help came today.

5. Found my white and black striped Zara t-shirt.

6. Got a rick to the gym quickly.

7. Got asked to start on a new assignment for my boss.

8. Am safe.

500 and 501 of 534

 On the 500th day of my tracking, went to Lonavala with a friend. It was such a nourishing, happy little trip. Even the early morning ride through Bandra to her place was like zipping through a fairytale kingdom. I don't wake up early, so watching the day break across the sky shyly, watching the purposeful bustle of the people selling newspapers, flowers and milk...that was sublime.

Okay - really sleepy now. Later on will write more. 

***************

It is the next day and now I think I will write some more.

I saw two really sweet children yesterday at the signal asking for money. A little boy holding a chubby tiny girl. I gave some money and asked the kid what their names were. The boy was Tehervi (I wonder if the name meant 'Thirteenth' and if it did, was it because he was the thirteenth child or whether he was born on the thirteenth? And the little girl was called Poochiya. Such a cute name for a golu baby!)

I had misplaced my phone and I found it in one of the shops - the shop I had least expected it. I had to travel to Vashi by train. (Was waiting for the bus but buses from Bandra to New Bombay are not convenient anymore. The frequency has reduced, the AC bus has been discontinued, the buses now start from Santa Cruz depot so by the time they come to Bandra startion they are full). So I took the train instead. That was so awesome! It was dirty and all - and the creep alert at the station was high. But just that sweet community feeling - which you don't get in a bus and definitely not in a shared cab - just that - was so good.

I thought back to the time that I had started taking the train when going to college. So much was new, scary, and confusing. Even now it was - I had no idea that Bandra station had bloated up to that extent. But...we got where we had to and the ride was fun. That much is a delicious miracle!