Day 15 of 108

I am so tired. I had a very strange and vivid dream last night. Actually I have been having strange dreams over the last few days. Many times I imagine a human (maybe me) in the center of some kind of nothing landscape. There's no ground and there's no sky. Around this figure (me?), there are large panels. They may or may not be mirrors but they seem to have some kind of a reflective surface. And this figure is kneeling in the center, head bowed down...not in prayer. Maybe defeat or resignation. 

I think the dream points to living in a multiverse. But I don't know.

Not been feeling well. Still had a meeting. Got through the day.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Spoke to him today. He sounded chirpy.

2. Managed to go to the gym today. Worked out more than yesterday.

3. Paid up my help's salary. I really like making the payments at the start of the month...on the first. In the middle, a month or so, I was not able to do that. My payments were coming in late. That had bothered me somewhat. This month, rectified it.

4. Resisted my temptation to eat meat.

5. Read a little bit.

A quick snack

 Here's what I whipped up: mashed avocado with chaat masala to which some kiwi slices were added and a cube of cheese was shredded into. Also a lot of pepper was folded in. 

A very interesting and yummy dish! 

Day 14 of 108

 Paid the electricity bill today. Alarmingly high, I thought. The rest of the bill payments begin tomorrow. It's 12 now and my birthday month has begun! Given that I have been having such a rough and tough time lately (and I have full faith that the grief and sadness will continue - being such resilient little beings), should I even celebrate my birthday? I mean...I suppose I will because all things aside, life has been good and kind. Even if a tad merciless at times.

Okay, I haven't worked out today. Maybe will do some stretches after I finish a little bit of my coffee. 

Okay, am back. I just did two surya namaskars. My God! My body has become so stiff! When I used to learn yoga, my instructor had once taufght us that the emotions and thoughts - when they get crusty, the body gets stiff. And lately with the way I have been feeling, my body showed up! Gosh! I am so lucky that I remember the Surya Namaskar steps! It is deeply, deeply life affirming.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He had called me today. He sounded happy and upbeat!

2. Cook came today. She will take leave tomorrow but landed up today. She made an Andhra rice cake dusted with chilli masala that was quite tasty!

3. Was listening to Kun Faaya Kun while doing yoga. I never really liked Rockstar the movie. But this song is sweet and haunting. I imagine an enchanted yet desolate forest. It seems eerie when you are standing at the outskirts and then when you enter it, some dappled shade makes you feel as if you are home.

4. I attended work today. Made some progress - very little...but still did that.

5. Today I slept off a little bit in the middle of the day. Sometimes that is the luxury of an otherwise ordinary life. 

Day 13 of 108

I think once my job is done by the end of the week, I will take two months off to write. Will keep my phone off. I realise I am spending way too much time here. 

I had a realisation today. I felt that we are already a storehouse of everything that we will ever feel in this life. And those feelings pass the same way the hours of a day pass on. So passage of time is simultaneously an existential concept as it is a bona fide temporal one. The passage of time lives inside our bodies. And they occupy the same space. Just as dawn and dusk of a Tuesday are inherent in the Tuesday when it begins. So the instances when I feel resentful or hopeful or happy or sodden with grief - it's the same source...a heart that beats. How can it be wrong?

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He sounded energetic in the morning.

2. Ordered a really large Margerita gourmet pizza today. To hell with anyone telling me that I should not be eating it! Hundo's. It was very nice.

3. Went to the gym for a really short while. To hell with anyone telling me that I should spend more time there. I know what it took to get there. So that's that.

4. Had a good cup of tea.

5. Have water and electricity. There's money in the bank. I have ordered lots of books. Also I already have a lot of books. Grateful for that. 

Day 12 of 108

 

This year is just so emotionally draining. I don't think I have it in me to suffer one more rough day. I am so exhausted. Actually more than exhausted, I am feeling really defeated today. I have been feeling this way for a few days now. Some planetary transit am sure. Because otherwise nothing is terribly wrong. Yes, the world is pretty much in shambles. But there are pockets of peace. 

If in the future, I lose my memory and I still get something back from my earlier days, I hope that I come across this blog post and I remember that there were still things to be grateful for...and that I still remembered life with a grateful heart.

1. Papa is well. I did not talk to him today. But there were no frantic calls. So all is well. 

2. I have been having heaps of emotional churning now. I have no idea what is going on. But the extent of weepiness and heavy heartedness is surreal. It really feels as if I am possessed by someone that needs my body for an emotional release. I talked to V for 4 hours today...and am sure it was not the best way for him to spend his Sunday. But it was oddly compelling. I honestly have no idea what is going on. But I am listing it under things I am grateful for because...this too is part of my human experience. Something good will come from this.

3. Ordered ramen and cooked it now. Indulgence. But necessary.

4. Went to Starbucks with a friend. It was a relief that I could catch him before he left for home. I really needed an escape today.

5. Wrote a vignette today. If from the debris of all this crap and chaos something creative comes out, I am glad. 

Giving up for lavender

The pond was purple. It could be because of the amethyst mountains that lay crushed in its depth. It could be because of the candied sunset in the sky. It could be the light dusting of the purple snow that graced the world that evening. 

But no matter what the reason was...the pond was purple.

Lykio sat by the pond and twirled some flowers. They were for her daughter, Nola. Nola liked flowers with five petals. Although she was a little baby and couldn't count to five. But Lykio did believe that her daughter's favourite number would be five when she grew up. Or that's what the pond had told her before it had washed up to the banks last season and taken Nola away. 

Lykio had cried and pleaded. But had now been worn down to wise negotiation.

A million twirled five petal flowers in return for a baby with a little lavender birthmark.

Day 11 of 108

 

Well, we are chalking one more day of living through a war. India is not involved yet. But the noose around gas is tightening.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Went to meet him today. He was looking quite cute. We had a drink together- lemon with nolen gur (palm jaggery that our cook had gotten from Kolkata) and minced ginger. It was very refreshing. 

2. Today the cook had made katthal. Which I had with steamed basmati rice. I am so, so grateful for these meals even as the chaos around us tightens.

3. Both help came today. Cook made me some tasty ragi dosas. 

4. Went for a walk after I reached home. Went to Boojee but they were done with their last orders. So I walked up to Carter Road and returned home. Really enjoyed listening to Savage Garden on my walk! 

5. Enjoyed the cold, sliced pineapples now.

6. Am safe. 

Day 10 of 108

 Officially my resignation is in the system. I feel oddly at peace. Still a little stuck. 

But... it's okay. Such is life.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Got through the work day even after nursing a headache.

3. Both help came today.

4. Friend came over for a short while. We shared a Diet Coke.

5. Ordered some nice warm porridge from Bokka. 

I really want to break through something. Not able to put my finger on it...but something needs to shatter and crumble for something to get released. 

Day 9 of 108

Well, one more day squeezed past. My days in this job are winding up soon. It will be end of this month maybe. Feels strange but with whatever else that is going on, what else is new?

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. I have money today to tend to myself and my family. 

3. There is water, electricity, food, and safety.

4. Both help came today.

5. Broke my fast today and had katthal biryani! Yummy yummy yummy! 

Day 8 of 108

I have no real memory of what happened It has been meetings since morning and some weird and strange things have happened. And are happening. 

So here we go. These are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. I am safe.

3. Met someone I had gone out with last night. It was strange. I felt like I was a stranger...watching someone's smile that had meant so much to me a while ago. It's odd how quickly one forgets the pain that one has undergone...and the lengths to which one can go to avoid it...or succumb to it. Much the same thing. Anyway, a conversation was had. Coffees were had. Surface level updates were exchanged. And goodbyes were said. I felt the way I feel when I see non-veg nowadays...there was deep love and strong affection for that time. And I gave it up. Because it got too heavy for my system. Sure, I have started enjoying vegetables and all. And I will not go back to eating meat...but a good platter of fish fry or mutton curry...and I remember very fondly...the person I was. The happiness I 'd felt. The life I'd lived.

4. Had tasty aaloo bhaji.

5. Had electricity. 

Day 7 of 108

 My days feel so hazy and gauzy sometimes. Like they are made of vapor.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He called me in the morning to warn me about a heat wave. He sounded so energetic. To me, it really is the sweetest voice in the world!

2. Went out with V in the evening today. As usual it was such good fun! Walking through Bazaar Road and having a pineapple juice at Balaji! I bought a silver chain for myself for the first time in my life. I wasn't planning to. But...this seemed like a little soothing prayer in metal. I feel a little odd... having something around my neck. But it's okay. I feel a little supported.

3. I got a call from an old friend. Friend... someone I had some history with...it brought back a lot of strange feelings. They were uncomfortable feelings but I am listing them down as something I am grateful for. Part of the human experience.

4. I had enough money to buy some fruits. I am really missing my rice and daal. Waiting for the fast to end so I can eat pani puri. But at least I can eat some fruits. My help was telling me that at Danda, ration shops have already closed down, she is not getting cylinders, etc. And she now has a little granddaughter. She and I generally share breakfast every day and neither of us like fruits. We actually like mangoes and papayas. I did not see any papayas or pumpkins in the marker. Let's see...if I get a chance tomorrow, will go to buy papayas, pumpkins, and lauki. Boiled lauki with jeera tadka is very tasty!

5. Had electricity and I have a safe place to stay. Just for that much, really, I am grateful.