204, 205, 206, 207, 208, 209, 210, 211, 212, 213, 214, 215, 216, 217, 218, 219

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 It has been a long time since I wrote. Life is feeling a bit squeezed out. I'm exhausted. Things have been going fine. There have been tough times at work. A lot of work, some people problems, and just overall bummer. But the sun came up, the sun came down - things went forward, things got done. It's Diwali today and I'm not feeling happy at all. In fact, I'm feeling a strange, familiar, age-old heavy sadness. I don't think it's a happy new year. In fact, I don't think it's a New Year at all. It's some inheritance of loss that I am carrying forward and this next year will be the same. And the year after that. And the year after that.

I went to Pune the other day. It was a trip that reinforced a few things - that nothing really changes. Life really is a haze. You see shadows of people, things, memories that you think are concrete and sharp and here. But no - their outlines are illusions, their existences are illusions, and they all pass. No one stays, nothing remains, and still, there will be more to come with their own special pockets of ennui and pain.

I only met one person in Pune who I knew from a long time ago. Maybe that was the only segment in my stay there that I felt a little bit on this world. Otherwise, I felt that I was just moving through one ball of cloud to another. It's Diwali and I had a tiff with my father. Not feeling good. But still, I suppose I will renew the practice of listing the things that I am grateful for. But this Diwali, I will actually give my thanks to the sadness. It's endurance amazes me.

1. Papa is well. 

2. The heaviness I feel - today I am feeling slightly detached from it. I am actually grateful for that. If I have to peg it down to the few moments in the day when I feel like a human, it's when I am observing this sadness. It's heavy and a lot. It shifts shapes and seems to have an elegance you typically won't assign to it because of its weight. But when I sit still and observe it, I can see that it's a dance. It's actually a gentle beast trying to love the bright spark within you that wants to run away to the next sparkly thing. So, yes, I am grateful for that pain.

3. My cleaning lady came today. I thought she wouldn't come. She's also not well. She said that this Diwali it's really hot in Bombay. Maybe the weather is telling us something that soothsayers aren't.

4. I have the use of my limbs.

5. I ordered from Swiggy. So grateful for those resources.

6. Wi-fi is working.

7. The blog is up and hasn't been hacked or anything. So that's good.

8. I have stationery and lots of good books to read and learn.

9. My home is clean and pretty. 

10. I have a home.


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