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224

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 I was dreading today and it's 5 past midnight. So got done. 1. Papa is well. I didn't get a chance to talk to him today but no urgent or frantic calls. So safe to assume that he is well. 2. The house really stunk up with the food that went bad because of the fridge getting spoiled. It took me many frustrated hours in the morning to catch hold of an electrician to come sort this out. Then the other day some socket had blown up. So got another election to sort that out too. Strangely on Urban Company, I kept getting the message that in Bandra, they didn't have any electricians servicing the area. It cost me a lot of money. But really grateful that I got through the day and sorted out the electrical issue. 3. Had money to buy food. 4. Now this is not something I am happy about but am grateful that I allowed a little bit of destiny to show me what it wanted. I really think that I will not be meeting a couple of friends again in life. Those days are done. It's a sad thing b
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223

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Fridge conked off. And I have to travel dayafter. Just perfect - all that food will go waste. And then there was a client call which has now translated into lots of hours of rework.    Maybe I should live without a fridge. Or maybe I should live without cooked food. Or maybe I should live with a cook who only makes fresh food for me. Anyway I should stop whining and spot the good things. 1. Papa is well. Spoke to him. 2. I have work. 3. Controlled my temper for some time. 4. Pali Hill was so pretty! It's decorated so well! It looks like prom night for the fairies. 5. I have a home and have mobility. That is good...and it is enough to tackle other stuff later. So help me God!
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222

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 Well, the day had its ups and downs. But here are a few things that I am grateful for: 1. Papa is well. He is thankful for. 2. I had a nice Americano at Starbucks, per my late night ritual. 3. Finished a book, " We used to live here " by Marcus Kliewer. Wrote about it here: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/book-4-we-used-live-here-marcus-kliewer-mukta-raut-cuvof. There are a few things that I have actually not written about my experience of having read that book. It was a surreal experience. I had strange occurrences and some coincidences that made me feel as if the story was oozing out from the book and affecting everything around me. 4. Had electricity and water. 5. Am safe and I have a house. I am so so grateful that I love my place where I can be myself, relax...After reading that book, that's what I became particularly sensitive to - that I am safe in my house. It's not haunted or occupied with people who suffocate me.  This much is good. 
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221

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 I am sitting in a Starbucks and I have finished my glasses of water and iced tea. Will make this quick. Here are all the things that I am grateful for: 1. Papa is well. I didn't speak to him today but there were no emergency calls. So that was good. 2. I went to the gym today. Did some basic treadmill stuff but I liked the feeling. 3. I came across a lovely listicle with some interesting books. Ordered a bunch of them. I realise that I am becoming a hoarder. But next year, I do intend to take some proper reading holidays. 4. Had poha after very long. It was so good. 5. Am wearing my Kermit-green linen shirt that I got from Linking Road. I like the way it looks. I do feel that the days ahead seem heavy and dark. This is why my commitment to keeping this gratitude list going is stronger than before. It is an important reminder that no matter what, there's always something the heart can give thanks for. 
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220

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 It was not a very good day. Made some unwise choices and I don't think I will be making wiser ones anytime soon. But a couple of soothing pockets did emerge. Here they are: 1. Papa is well. I spoke to him today. 2. Found a silk kaftan that I wore today. 3. A friend came over for tea. 4. Enjoyed my lunch. The daal was nice. 5. Had water and electricity. 
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Some more

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Yesterday I wrote a little bit during the morning hours. So that cleared the head and heart space a little. Some heaviness lifted. In the evening I met a friend in Aram Nagar. We tried out a new cafe, Silk Road Coffee Company. That was nice enough. They brought us the dishes in the wrong order. But the Mediterranean sandwich was still nice I feel.  Went back to my friend's house and we chatted awhile. There's some huge pain that I am sensing around me. I am confused about whether it is there now or whether it is a foreboding of sorts.  Last night was Kali Puja. I had to do something but I didn't do. There are so many things that I think I should do but I don't. This is painful.  The cleaning lady has come. She lets herself in.  Time for chai but she tells me that there's no milk. Oh well.  One more day in Paradise. 
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204, 205, 206, 207, 208, 209, 210, 211, 212, 213, 214, 215, 216, 217, 218, 219

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 It has been a long time since I wrote. Life is feeling a bit squeezed out. I'm exhausted. Things have been going fine. There have been tough times at work. A lot of work, some people problems, and just overall bummer. But the sun came up, the sun came down - things went forward, things got done. It's Diwali today and I'm not feeling happy at all. In fact, I'm feeling a strange, familiar, age-old heavy sadness. I don't think it's a happy new year. In fact, I don't think it's a New Year at all. It's some inheritance of loss that I am carrying forward and this next year will be the same. And the year after that. And the year after that. I went to Pune the other day. It was a trip that reinforced a few things - that nothing really changes. Life really is a haze. You see shadows of people, things, memories that you think are concrete and sharp and here. But no - their outlines are illusions, their existences are illusions, and they all pass. No one stays
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