Chiffonesque

 I have deleted this line several times. I wanted to write something but I decided to not do it. I'm convinced that recruiting people with experience is possibly the worst strategy for projects requiring stamina. People with experience come with a strange, stubborn fragility that is hard to break or erode. Now that I have a lot of experience, it is critical for me to not use it. In fact, the thing to use is the strange, now buried 'beginner's mindset' - because that part is young, that part doesn't get an ulcer, doesn't rationalize anxiety, doesn't get possessive about their own notions of the right way to do something. Feeling a little disappointed with whatever I am seeing around me. But they are life lessons nevertheless. Here are all the things that I am grateful for: 1. Papa is well. I did have a long chat with him about a family matter and he was quite zen about it. He always is but his capacity to accept reality is really unparalleled. 2. Was tired bu...

 I am exhausted. So much information to process. So many things to go through. Such long distances to cover. I wonder if I will have the strength to endure all this. Anyway, here are a few things that I am grateful for: 1. Papa is well. He texted me once I reached and it made me feel relieved. 2. Had a safe and pleasant flight. Air India Vistara is lovely! I had a yummy rice and daal plate and a square of carrot and almond cake with a thin custard layer. 3. Had a nice time at my uncle and aunt's place. 4. I was worried about my cousin. I still am. Losing a mom - especially for people like him and I who are not always well accepted by the world - that is a heavy loss. But he was watching TV and shared a meal with me. He is doing well considering everything.  5. I got an auto to go to the airport quite easily. My aunt had arranged for a familiar guy. That was comfortable. 6. So so grateful that Papa had sent the driver to the airport to pick me up.  7. I had left my house k...

 I had some disturbing images yesterday. I read about a man who was sodomized in jail because he was arrested for raping his baby so. There was a picture of him facing the wall and his pants were soaked with blood in the butt region. The pants were white and the blood had dried. It was an alarming image. I also slept badly and I thought my hotel room was haunted. I remembered a dream I had seen earlier where the ceiling was falling on me and at the door entrance my parents were looking at me but they weren't doing anything and I was also unable to move. I saw a video about sleep paralysis and how that happens when an entity overcomes you in a parallel universe. That scared me. But I am doing the Narasimha Kavacham - rather than listening to it. So I feel as if I have done my bit to shield myself. Anyway amid so much fear and pain, there are still things to be grateful for. So we list them here: 1. Papa is well. I spoke with him and he sounded good. 2. I visited a cousin and I also ...

 I am so sleepy and I have another call at 11:30. At the bar and am waiting for my drink. It's a really pretty bar and I am alone with my book. It's nice that it is not dimly lit. I can read my book, which I probably should.  But it's a rather heavy read.  Oh! My virgin Mary has arrived. The chilli salt rim looks gorgeous! I just sat in front of a HUGE red blossom in front of me and it's good.  Life is good and beautiful! 

 I am in Bhubaneshwar now and it is cold. Had gone to my aunt's house and it is hard to believe that she is no more. But I hope she is with Ma and my uncle and they are having a good time. Living without a mother is so rough and I think it is strange how little anyone can say that will help soothe the pain. You just have to give life a chance to take you through. There's not much one can do to stop the pain. Anyway, here are a few things that I am grateful for: 1. Papa is well. Spoke to him. He did sound a little sad. But he has long told me to keep expectations low - of people, time, world, fate, everything. You stay calm and steady and things happen. I think I am beginning to see the merit in this. 2. It was really nice talking to my cousin and hanging out with him. We sat on the terrace of the house for a long time in the afternoon and it was nice. I had a nap after a good, solid lunch. We had chai in the evening and then I returned to the hotel. It felt like a lifetime. I d...

I am very tired and have tons to do... basically pack up and leave for the airport in the next couple of hours. But I wanted to just take 5 minutes to note down a few things that I am grateful for...just these little interludes of peace and sweetness with friends while chaos and uncertainty surround us. Here are all the things that I am grateful for: 1. Papa is well and I spoke to him today. He sounded healthy so am really grateful for that. 2. A couple of friends came over and we had a full evening. One friend had got me dhansak that I had for lunch. I made her try pitla with methi which she liked. Then another friend joined us and we went to Toto's first and then to Bandstand and then Carter's. We had coffee at Coffee by Di Bella and it was lovely. We caught a performance on Bandstand and spotted a couple of happy labradors on Carter Road. I just got the feeling that life is short and I have a feeling that these times with friends will also run their course. But sometimes we ...